<Back | Next>

CHAPTER 5

Howling Coyote attacks Zelph in his teepee.  Zelph learns of a conspiracy against him. The Nephite war was manufactured by the Lamanite military industrial complex. Onandagus conspired to make Zelph part of the final solution so he could take his wife, Tiger Lilly. Howling Coyote smitten down by Zelph. Zelph and Melph leave the battlefield. Kicking Deer is in charge of the Lamanite forces. [About 380 A.D.]

1. And I shall continue the account of my life in the Lamanite army.

2. And it came to pass that I, being a light sleeper, was awakened in my teepee in the middle of the night, yea, even did a figure appear before me, and he did havest a sword, and did attempt to slay me.

3. But yea, I moved quickly, and did subdue my attacker, and did restraineth him, for it is that I am exceedingly skilled in hand to hand combat.

4. And it came to pass that my story doth take a dramatic twist, for my attacker be Howling Coyote, even the commander of the Lamanite forces, for he did betray me, even did he attempt to slay me with his sword in my teepee.

5. And after the manner in which I did restrain him, yea, I bound him with rope, and spake unto him: Behold, Howling Coyote, why doth thou betray me, yea, why doth thou attempt to taketh my life?

6. And Howling Coyote, being bound with rope, replied: Behold, Zelph, I shall talk not, and giveth no information unto thee, yea, even shall I die before I talk.

7. And it came to pass that I struck Howling Coyote many times with my fists upon his face, then did I remove my sword and smite off his pinky finger. And these things I did in an attempt to make him talk.

8. And after the manner in which I removed the pinky finger of Howling Coyote with my sword, yea, I spake: Behold, Howling Coyote, I shall continue removing thy fingers until thou doth speak. And if thou doth speak not, yea, then shall I remove thy toes, after which I shall remove thy precious parts.

9. And  after the manner in which I did threaten to remove his precious parts, yea, Howling Coyote did begin to speak, even did he explain why he did attempt to slay me, yea, even attempt to taketh my life.

10. And Howling Coyote said: Behold, Zelph, remove not my precious jewels, for I shall speak. Behold, I do only follow orders, for it is commanded of me to ensure thou doth die in battle. Nevertheless, thou doth die not, for thou art exceedingly skilled in the art of combat, wherefore, it must needs be I slay thee myself.

11. And I replied: Behold, Howling Coyote, who gave unto thee thy orders, yea, even orders to maketh me die in battle?

12. And Howling Coyote replied: Verily, behold, I did receive my orders from Onandagus, who doth desire to see thee killed, for he lusts after thy wiife, yea, even doth he lust after Tiger Lilly, whose beauty exceeds all others.

13. And the words of Howling Coyote were offensive unto me, for Onandagus be my friend, yea, even my leader. And I spake unto Howling Coyote, and accused him of lying.

14. And Howling Coyote spake: Behold, ye should believeth me, Zelph, even should ye search thy feelings, for ye know it to be true. Behold, many years ago, yea, even before Melph be born, Onandagus did accidentally walk into the wrong teepee and beheld Tiger Lilly changing her clothes, and he beheld her nakedness, and did lust after her. And Tiger Lilly was startled that Onandagus did walk in while she did change clothes, and commanded him to depart from her teepee. And Onandagus did apologize unto her, and did depart from her presence, nevertheless, her naked flesh was seductive unto him. And when ye did join my army, yea, even after thou did marry Tiger Lilly, I was commanded to maketh sure ye die so as Onandagus shall comfort Tiger Lilly in her mourning, and taketh her as his wife. Wherefore, I did always place thee in the line of fire, and did give unto thee small armies so as ye shall surely die. Nevertheless, ye did die not, for thou art good at fighting. And Onandagus doth grow impatient, and demands ye to die. And I thinketh ye shall die when ye assaulted the Nephites with thy small mob of Anti-Nephite Lamanites, but wo, ye perished not. Wherefore, it must needs be I slay thee myself. And these things I do on orders from Onandagus.

15. And I desired not to believe the words of Howling Coyote's mouth, nevertheless, it doth make exceeding sense. For I do always be put on the front lines, and do always be given a small army, and I do always fight against great odds, and Onandagus doth always act funny around Tiger Lilly.

16. And I spake back at Howling Coyote: Behold, does there exist a Nephite weapon of mass destruction, and do the Nephites have powers from the stars, or art these things also lies, and the work of Onandagus?

17. And Howling Coyote replied unto me: Behold, there be no weapon of mass destruction, for that is a lie of the Lamanite leaders to justify war with the Nephites. For many wealthy Lamanites desire war, for war is profitable, yea, even the chariot makers, and catapult makers, and tomahawk makers, and club makers, and spear makers, desire war with the Nephites to increase profits for their goods. For the Lamanites do war one with another, which doth generate much profits, nevertheless, war with the Nephites is exceedingly more profitable. And because of the money of the wealthy Lamanites, yea, they havest great influence over the Lamanite leadership. Nevertheless, the conspiracy to make war with the Nephites doth begin long before Onandagus doth lust after thy wife. And when the people do begin to oppose war, yea, the Lamanite leaders do thinketh up the idea of the crop circles. And they maketh the crop circles themselves using wooden planks and ropes, and they blame it on the Nephites and their mysterious powers, and they do these things to frighten the people into war.

18. And I replied: Behold, I hath proven myself on the battlefield, wherefore, if the Lamanite leaders desire to defeat the Nephites, why doth thou taketh orders from Onandagus to eliminate me? For I am exceedingly skilled in the art of warfare, and am an asset to the Lamanites, for I kill many Nephites. Wherefore, it maketh not sense to kill me.

19. And Howling Coyote replied: Behold, Onandagus did convince the Lamanite leaders that thou shouldest be destroyed, for the final solution must include all white skinned people, yea, even thee. And the Lamanite leaders do agree to makest thee part of the final solution, so as there shall be no white people amongst us. Behold, the Lamanites desire not this war to end quickly, for they desire to drive profits up, which thing doth happen when war drags on. Nevertheless, because the people do support thee, even art thou popular, we must to makest it look like the Nephites killed thee. For if it is discovered that the Lamanite leaders did conspire to assassinate thee, yea, their shall be much rioting amongst the Lamanites, for they shall lose faith in their leaders.

20. And I raised my sword, and did say unto Howling Coyote: Behold, doth thou have more information?

21. And Howling Coyote did reply: Nay, nothing, exceptest the men who did burn down thy casino were not Nephites, yea, even were they Lamanites disguised as Nephites.

22. And I replied: Behold, who did dress as Nephites and destroyed my casino?

23. And Howling Coyote replied: Behold, the Lamanites who did destroy thy casino were Runs with a Limp, the brother of Crazy Deer, Noah the younger, and me, for I did lead the vandalism on orders from Onandagus, who desired to entice thee into battle against the Nephites, for thou did refuse to fight for him. And Onandagus did think that if thy casino be destroyed by Nephites, yea, thou shalt join the war. Nevertheless, Zelph, because I be honest, and because I was simply following orders, yea, thou shalt spare my life, right?

24. And I replied: WRONG!!

25. And I did raise my sword and did smite off the head of Howling Coyote. And after the mannner in which I did slay Howling Coyote, yea, I did bury him outside my teepee.

26. And I desired to leave the battlefield, and to get revenge on Onandagus for the things he doth do. For he doth lust after my wife, and he doth desire me to die, even doth he order Howling Coyote to maketh me to die on the battlefield, and to slay me in my teepee and I desired to get revenge on him for making me part of the final solution.

27. And I did gather up my weapons, and did go to retrieve my son, Melph from his teepee. And I did find him, and spake unto him to gather his gear and come with me, and to question me not, for we must quickly depart from the battlefield. And Melph, being a good son, did gather his gear, and did travel with me, and we did sneakily attempt to leave the army camp.

28. And we were approached by Kicking Deer, who desired to know why we did go. And I spake unto him that it was personal family business, and I did go to get my revenge.

29. And Kicking Deer, who did thinketh me to be a goodly leader, and who loved me like unto a father, desired to join us, for he did always desire to serve me. And I spake unto Kicking Deer that I needed not his help, and he is now in charge of the soldiers, for Howling Coyote is dead, and I spake unto him to lead like unto me. For I cared not anymore for Nephites or Lamanites and desired to let them fight.

30. And Kicking Deer accepted the job as commander of the Lamanite forces. And after the manner in which I putteth Kicking Deer in charge of the Lamanite forces, yea, I speedily traveled away from the battlefield with my son Melph, for it must needs be we gather the plates, and rescue Tiger Lilly, and then shall we leave this land of war, and escape to the wilderness where we shall live in peace and harmony.

31. Nevertheless, before I shall live in peace, behold, I shall first get revenge on Onandagus for the things he did do, yea, and I shall kill him slowly, and he shall beg me to accelerate his execution, and I shall rejoice at his pain and suffering.

  Home

© 2005 Josh Anderson Enterprises, All rights reserved. 

<Back | Next>