<Back | Next>

An account of Zelph, the white Lamanite, beginning with the commencement of the wars between the Nephites and Lamanites.

CHAPTER 1

Zelph and Tiger Lilly are married, Melph is conceived. Zelph leads the warriors of the Chief Onandagus tribe onto the battlefield against the Nephites. They march to the land Northward to prepare for battle. Zelph lets his men travel to town so they can have sex on their last night before a suicide mission. His men  don't return, go AWOL. Zelph is demoted to a foot soldier under Mighty Curelom. [Between 360 and 361 A.D.]

1. And it came to pass that I, Zelph, shall begin writing an account of my life, yea, even shall I write it upon these pieces of leather, which are part of my father's collection of writings. And I promise thee that the things I am about to write are true, and they really did happen. Wherefore, prepare ye to readest these true writings.

2. Now, after the manner in which I did reread the records that do precedeth mine, yea, I do see that my father did last write that he gavest the records unto me, and did retire with Nephi, even the former Lamanite chief of this tribe.

3. And it came to pass that my father, being a goodly father, did raise me up with all manner of skills so as I may havest a good life. Wherefore, I am exceedingly grateful unto my father, for it is that I am twenty and five years old, and I am skilled in magic, and sorcery, and even am I skilled in the art of war.

4. And it came to pass that Onandagus, being the tribal chief, for he doth inherit the title of chief from his father, doth lead different from Chief Nephi. For Chief Onandagus doth believe in strong defense, and even doth he believe in a strong army. And he doth order all young men to train for combat.

5. And it came to pass that the Lamanite King, even the King of all the Lamanites of the land southward, did send an epistle to the Nephites in the land northward, even did he issue a challenge to the Nephites. And the epistle did say that peace is over, and war shall commence. And this thing he did to defend the Lamanite people, for the Nephites possess a great weapon, yea, even a weapon of great destructive power, even a weapon of mass destruction that they do conspire to unleash upon the Lamanites. And all know this thing to be true, even that the Nephites shall unleash a weapon of mass destruction, for it is spoken by our leaders.

6. And it came to pass that it has been prophesied by the wizards, and sorcerers, and fortune tellers, and glass lookers, and hypnotists of the land that the Nephites shall takest possession of all the land, and the Lamanites shall be servants unto them. Wherefore, it must needs be that the Lamanites engage the Nephites in a preemptive strike so as to thwart the prophecy.

7. And Onandagus calleth upon me to command the Chief Onandagus Tribal Army, and I did havest fifty and seven men under my command. And they were all goodly men, for they are all from the Chief Onandagus tribe, which is the new name for the Chief Nephi-Lamanite tribe, which tribe is the greatest of all tribes, and which tribe doth produce the greatest of all Lamanites.

8. And it came to pass that in the year three hundred sixty-one AD, yea, it came time for me to lead my men to the narrow neck of land, and join with the other Lamanites to commence our assault on the Nephite lands. Nevertheless, I desired exceedingly to marry my girlfriend, yea, even to marry Tiger Lilly. And we desired to marry before I do go off to battle, for I was desirous to have posterity in the event I lay down my life on the battlefield.

9. And it came to pass that Chief Onandagus did perform a marriage ceremony for me and Tiger Lilly, and we were married. And after the manner in which we did marry, yea, we did cleave unto one another in my teepee, and I did spray my man juice within her, yea, even did I fertilize her tender loins with my mighty seed in an attempt to create posterity.

10. And after the manner in which I did fertilize the loins of Tiger Lilly, yea, I did gather my men, even my fifty and seven soldiers, and we did march northward to battle. And because my father did maketh me custodian of the precious records, yea, even the plates, I did gather them up into a handcart to taketh them with me into battle.

11. And the Lamanite armies do gather at the narrow neck of land, near the Nephite-Lamanite border, for we shall soon attack when our forces have gathered, and the Nephites shall know not what hit them.

12. And it came to pass that we marched toward the gathering place, yea, even did I lead my fifty and seven men. And we did sing as we marched, yea, even did we sing mighty warrior songs, for we were like unto mighty warriors. And we did travel through the narrow neck of land, yea, even did we gather at the gathering place at the Nephite-Lamanite border, even amongst the other Lamanite armies.

13. And it came to pass that Captain Howling Coyote did havest command of all the Lamanite forces. And he did giveth unto us much motivational speeches, even did he speak that we shall slaughter all the Nephites, and scalp the men, and rape the women and girls, and cast the young children into the sea. And such hate talk did disturb me, for I did thinketh we shall spare the women and children, but yea, it was part of the final solution to slay all Nephites, yea, even women and children. Wherefore, it must needs be that I follow orders, yea, even evil orders.

14. And it came to pass that Chief Howling Coyote spake unto all the Lamanites, even did he say: Yea, we shall attack our enemies at dawn. And Zelph and his men shall be the first to attack, yea, even the first wave of our assault. And after Zelph hath breached the Nephite front lines, yea, I shall send reinforcements to help takest control of the city. And ye must kill all the men and boys, but keep alive the women and girls for thine own pleasure. Wherefore, sleep well, for tomorrow we shall taste victory.

15. And the words Howling Coyote spake were disturbing unto me, for I knew not that me and my men shall be first in, yea, even shall I be expected to breach the Nephite front lines with only my fifty and seven men. For a first wave of only fifty and seven men shall be a suicide mission, yea, even shall it surely fail. Wherefore, I spake unto Howling Coyote, and bade him to supply more men unto me so as I shall have advantage over my Nephite enemies, yea, even did I plead unto Howling Coyote to giveth unto me the tools so as I shall succeed in my task.

16. But yea, Howling Coyote spake unto me that he had not men to spare, yea, even did he plan all phases of the assault and no surplus soldiers shall be available unto me. And I spake angry words at him, even did I say that he doth send me and my men on a suicide mission. And I spake that the blood of my men shall be on his hands.

17. And Howling Coyote spake back at me, even did he accuse me of cowardice. And he spake that if I followed not his orders, yea, I shall be executed for treason.

16.  Wherefore, I gathered my men in my teepee for a meeting, and I spake our orders unto them, even did I explain that it shall be a suicide mission. And my men did havest exceeding fear in their eyes, even did they look like unto men who knew they shall soon be dead. And I felt sorrow for them, yea, and I did seek to makest them happy again.

17. And because we did camp nearby a Lamanite village, yea, and because many desirable women dwelt in the village, and because I desired my men to like me as their leader, yea, I spake unto my men, and persuadeth them to go unto the nearby village, and find pleasure with the women there. And after the time of finding pleasure doth end, yea, they must to return, even return before dawn so as we shall carry out our orders, and commence our suicide mission. For a good leader am I, even do I desire my men to experience much happiness before they die.

18. And it came to pass that verily, verily I said unto them: Behold, eat drink, and be merry, for tomorrow ye shall die.

19. And it came to pass that my men did cheer, and did thank me, and they did go unto the Lamanite village to find women, and because I did havest a wife, yea, I went not amongst the village, for I desired to be faithful unto Tiger Lilly, yea, even a faithful husband. Wherefore, I did fornicate myself with my hand while thinking of Tiger Lilly. And after the manner of fornicating myself, yea, I did fall asleep in my tent, and did dream of the goodly life I did lead, yea, even my happy memories, yea, and the child who doth grow in Tiger Lilly's loins, even the child I shall never know, for tomorrow I shall surely die.

20. And it came to pass that I was awakened the following morning by Howling Coyote, and he spake unto me: Behold, Zelph, the time hath come for our first assault upon the Nephites. Wherefore, gather thy men and prepare to march on my orders.

21. And I went amongst the tents of my men, yea, even to awaken them for their suicide mission, but yea, they dwelt not in their tents, for they were nowhere to be found, as if they returned not from the Lamanite village.

22. And it came to pass that I sought them out from amongst the other Lamanite soldiers, but none had seen them since the previous night. Wherefore, it was obvious that my men had deserted me, yea, even did they all go AWOL, for they did know this mission shall be suicide, and it is that they sneaked away when I did send them to the village for pleasure, yea, even do they take advantage of my kind leadership, which thing doth anger me exceedingly.

23. And it came to pass that I gathered my weapons of war and went before Howling Coyote and spake unto him: Verily behold sire, it hath come to pass that my men hath deserted this battlefield, yea, even hath they gone AWOL. Wherefore, I haveth not an army to lead into battle.

24. And Howling Coyote spake unto me with much anger in his voice: Behold, Zelph, thou art a poor leader, yea, for how did thou not see thy men desert and not prevent it? For it is thy duty to keepeth thy men from deserting, for all foot soldiers desire to desert, wherefore, it must needs be they have a strong leader.

25. And I spake back at him: Behold, Howling Coyote, I desired my men to havest much pleasure before they die, yea, because thou desires to send us on a suicide mission, I thinketh it be a goodly idea to send my men into town, yea, even so they can experience much pleasure during their last night alive, even to fornicate with the village women. Wherefore, it is that I am a goodly leader, for I desire happiness for my men.

26. And Howling Coyote laughed at me, and after the manner of laughing, yea, he spake much more anger, even exceeding anger: Behold, Zelph, hear the words of my mouth. Thou art an exceedingly bad leader, even the most exceedingly bad leader I hath yet known. For it shall come to pass that after we taketh the city Desolation, yea, then shall we commence the raping and pillaging, and there shall be much Nephite women to enjoy, yea, even to fornicate against their will. For after we conquer the Nephite cities, yea, there shall be women and girls like unto the sands on the beach, even white and delightsome women. And we shall divide them up, even shall all the soldiers taketh turns raping and committing exceeding acts of whoredoms upon the Nephite women and girls. Wherefore, it is unnecessary to leave the battlefield to find pleasure with women before battle, for that is why we fight, and the reward for victory is pleasure with the enemy women. Wherefore, thou shalt be demoted for thy bad leadership, even shalt thou be a simple foot soldier.

27. And after the manner in which Howling Coyote demoted me, yea, he did look upon the other Lamanites, and spake unto one of the other officers, yea, even a Lamanite named Mighty Curelom, and he spake at him: Behold, Mighty Curelom, taketh this demoted officer and makest him a foot soldier in thy weak little army. And after the manner in which thou taketh Zelph as a foot solder, yea, march thy army to the front line, and attack the Nephites, for it is that thy army shall replace the army of Zelph in the first wave. Wherefore, gather thy forces and attack in one-hour's time.

28. And it came to pass that I gathered my weapons and joined my new army, yea, even the army of Mighty Curelom. And my new comrades, yea, even the other foot soldiers amongst the army of Mighty Curelom did murmur much, even did they murmur against me. For it was that they taketh over on the suicide mission, yea, and they knowest they shall soon die, and they did blame me for their own deaths, for they thinketh I did cause my men to desert, which thing doth cause them to go on the suicide mission.

29. And it came to pass that we did gather, yea, even me and the army of Mighty Curelom, and we moved into our positions on the front line, and we did prepare to march forward at the Nephites, even shall we march on the command of Howling Coyote.

30. And it came to pass that because I did bringeth my handcart of plates, and I desire them not to be lost, yea, I hope not to die, for if I do, this record shall surely fall into the hands of strangers, yea, maybe even Nephites. And I do thinketh I need to find a good spot to keep the records safe, but I had not a spot. Wherefore, I shall hide them in my tent, and I shall fight with all my might so I may survive and prevent this record from falling into the hands of mine enemies.

  Home

© 2005 Josh Anderson Enterprises, All rights reserved. 

<Back | Next>