<Back | Next>

The son of Abitch does not return. Laman and his soldiers travel to the Nephite village to inquire of his whereabouts. Jacob claims to have not seen him. Refuses to allow the Lamanites into the Nephite village to investigate. The Nephite woman who had sex with Lemuel the younger tells the other Nephite women how great it was, beginning the sexual corruption of the Nephites. Jacob is very angry about it. Laman threatens to attack the Nephite village if they do not cooperate in his investigation of the son of Abitch's disappearance. The Nephites begin constructing an arena, which leads Laman to believe the son of Abitch's body was disposed of in the cement foundation of the new arena. [Around 550 B.C.]

1. And I shall commence my narrative, even several days after the son of Abitch did travel to the Nephite village to retrieve his poems.

2. And it came to pass that after several days, yea, even after the space of many weeks, the son of abitch returned not, which thing did maketh many to worry of his whereabouts. For the son of Abitch, being an old man, and being frail, had not the means to survive the elements, nor did he haveth the means to defend himself from a Nephite attack.

3. And after the passage of many weeks with no sign of the son of Abitch, yea, Laman determined it must needs be to send a search party into the wilderness, and to the Nephite village, to seek out his whereabouts.

4. And it came to pass that Laman selected four Lamanite soldiers, even the strongest of Lamanite soldiers, to travel with him to the Nephite village so as they can investigate the disappearance of the son of Abitch.

5. And after seeking him out in the wilderness, and yelling his name many times, yea, they found not the son of Abitch. Wherefore, Laman decided it must needs be to continue his search for Nephi at the Nephite village. And he spake a warning unto his men to be prepared, for he knew not what reception awaited him.

6. And the search party came upon the outskirts of the Nephite village, and the Lamanite men stood all amazed. For it was that the Nephite village was exceedingly impressive, even was it not a village, for it was a city. For it did it have within it many fine buildings and exceedingly good craftsmanship.

7. And it came to pass that as the search party approached the village, Laman ripped a rent from his white shirt, and waved the rent part over his head as a sign of peace. For he desired to giveth a sign unto the Nephite soldiers that he came not to attack.

8. And Laman was greeted at the entrance of the Nephite village by an elderly man, even a man who had the appearance of authority, nevertheless Laman did know whom the old man was. For he did look upon the face of his little brother Jacob.

9. And Jacob spake unto him: Behold Laman, if Nephi discovers thou art here, he shall become angry, even exceedingly angry.

10. And Laman replied: Fear not Jacob, for I come in peace, and seek not to disrupt thy village. For it is that we are not an army, but are a search party. For we seek out a friend who is lost. Wherefore, is it that thou can help us in our search?

11. And Jacob beheld Laman's men, and did grin, and spake unto Laman: Yea, Laman, I behold thy people doth haveth nice tans. Does thou not believe the power of god? For behold, the dark skin that Nephi did place upon thy followers by the power of god is proof that god is real, and Nephi is his anointed leader. Wherefore Laman, repent and return to the fold.

12. And Laman replied: Behold, little brother, I know not how Nephi performed his magic trick. Nevertheless, his so called dark skin curse hath been an exceeding blessing upon my people. For the dark skin doth make us exceedingly attractive, even more attractive than thy pasty skinned Nephites. And because of our exceeding beauty, we can't keep our hands off one another, and our wives love their husbands, and our husbands love their wives exceedingly. Wherefore, behold, we do multiply like rabbits, and our numbers shall soon overwhelm thy people, even shall we have millions counted among us within a few generations. And it is also that the dark skin of my people doth protect them from the hot rays of the sun. For it is that I, having not received the dark skin curse, for Lemuel did block it from me, even do I burn exceedingly when I spend time under the sun, yea, even only twenty minutes doth maketh me to burn. But yea, Lemuel and the other dark skinned Lamanites do tend garden and hunt all day without burning their skin, only does their skin turn even more exceedingly dark and beautiful. For the dark skin is like a shield from the elements, which doth increase productivity tenfold amongst my people. Wherefore, giveth unto Nephi a message from me. Tell him Laman says thanks for the curse.

13. And after the manner in which Laman finished explaining how the dark skin curse of Nephi did bless the Lamanite people, yea, Jacob frowned, and desired to change the subject. And he spake unto Laman: Behold, Laman, none here have seen the man ye are looking for.

14. And it came to pass that Laman became exceedingly suspicious, and replied unto Jacob: Behold, Jacob, I said not that our missing friend is a man. Nevertheless, thou doth knowest I speak of a man. Wherefore, I suspect thou doth know more than ye admit. Wherefore, I demand thee to speak the truth.

15. And Jacob shrugged his shoulders and replied: Behold, Laman, read not too much into my words. For it is that I assumed ye were speaking of a man. For it is that women are allowed not to journey in the wilderness alone. Wherefore, when thou sayest thy friend is lost in the wilderness, I did only thinketh such thing could happen unto a man.

16. And Laman replied: Yea, good point. Nevertheless, let us enter thy village to seek out clues. For we have reason to believe our missing friend may have come upon thy village to retrieve something.

17. And Jacob shook his head and replied: Nay, for none have come upon this village for an exceeding long time, even none who are visitors from the Lamanite village. For thou art the first Lamanites to visit this village ever. And it is the law of Nephi to mingle not with the Lamanites. For ye art unbelievers, and shall not be allowed to lead the people of Nephi astray with thy wicked poetry.

18. And Laman spake unto Jacob: Behold my brother, did I say anything about poetry? Nay, for it is that thou doth knowest of whom I speak. For ye did now makest two mistakes in answering my questions, which thing doth make me to believe ye know more than ye admit. Wherefore, I demand thee let me pass so as I can interrogate thy people.

19. And Jacob replied: Behold, I do knowest of the poems only because the wife of Arragornia did bringeth the vile, and wicked poem unto her leaders. And we did read it at our leadership meeting last week, and behold, for it was filled with all manner of abominations and evil. For the poems she did bring to us did drive the spirit away. Wherefore, we refuse to allow thy people to pollute the minds of the Nephites with such filth, for we struggle to keep our people pure. For thy people did already pollute the mind and body of the daughter of Joseph, who is my niece. For we did find her amongst thy village a few weeks ago, and did return her here so as she may begin the repentance process, but wo unto her, for I fear she is damaged goods.

20. And Laman did reply: Thou doth admit to sending a spy? And this spy did commit thievery by robbing the son of Abitch of his poems. And thy spy did also assault my nephew, Lemuel the younger, and did tie him with rope, which thing is a crime against my people. Thou doth admit this?

21. And Jacob replied: Yea, a spy was sent to thy village to investigate the poems that speak evil of Nephi. For evil speak against the lord's anointed is a crime. And the spy, after discovering the evil poems, discovered my niece amongst thy people, which thing is also a crime. For my niece hath committed fornication, which thing is an exceedingly great transgression. Even did she commit fornication with a Lamanite, which thing is punishable by death. For we do live the laws of Moses, which laws are exceedingly harsh. Nevertheless, Nephi, being a goodly leader, and a lovable leader, desires not to execute his niece. Wherefore, she hath begun the repentance process.

22. And Laman replied: Yea, 'tis good that she not be executed, for kids shall be kids.

23. And Jacob replied: Behold Laman, it is that Nephi spake that same thing, even did he say kids shall be kids. Nevertheless, Nephi is exceedingly angry that our niece regrets not her actions. For she doth speak unto the other Nephite women, and doth corrupt their chastity. For she doth say that knowing a Lamanite is like heaven on Earth, which thing doth maketh many Nephite women curious about knowing Lamanites. And she doth sayeth these things to all who shall listen, and she doth tell all that they should expirement with fornicaton, for she doth say the act of knowing another through fornication is good, even exceedingly joyful. And I fear she doth corrupt my people. And I fear that when it comes time for me to lead this people, they shall all be unchaste, even more unchaste than the Lamanites, and it must needs be for me to preach chastity unto them.

24. And it came to pass that Laman replied: Behold, that's nice, but it must needs be that we discuss my missing friend. For thou doth admit to sending a spy who doth steal the poems of the son of Abitch, but thou doth deny knowing anything of his disappearance?

25. And Jacob replied: Yea, for that doth sound right, for I know of the spy, but not of thy friend's disappearance.

26. And after the manner in which Jacob denied knowledge of the son of Abitch's disappearance, yea, Laman gazed behind Jacob, and beheld much construction, even were the Nephites waxing diligently in the construction of a large structure in the distance. And Laman inquired what it was that the Nephites were building, and when they did commence construction.

27. And Jacob replied: Yea, many amongst us desired a cultural hall for non-religious activities such as archery tournaments, and chariot races. For such activities are deemed inappropriate in the temple, and the other church buildings. Wherefore, we shall build a great arena for such a purpose. And yea, construction began a few weeks ago, even after the project was sustained in conference by the uplifted sign.

28. And it came to pass that Laman was exceedingly suspicious, and did thinketh a conspiracy existed within the Nephite nation. And he spake an accusation unto Jacob: Behold, it is that a large construction project shall be an exceedingly good place to hide a body. For if one were to place a body in the cement foundation of thy arena, yea, never shall the body be found. And if it shall come to pass that if it needs be for me to dispose of a body, behold, it is that I would begin a construction project, and bury the body in the foundation. Wherefore, tellest Nephi that I admire his strategy for disposing of Lamanite bodies that he doth order murdered.

29. And after Laman spake his accusation unto Jacob, yea, it came to pass that  Jacob was exceedingly offended by the words of Laman's mouth, even exceedingly angry was Jacob. And he spake harsh words unto Laman: Beware of who ye doth mock, Laman. For the words thou speak are blasphemous. For when thou doth accuse Nephi, thou doth also accuse god. Wherefore, doth thou callest god a murderer? And if thou doest, than may god have mercy on thy soul, for no mercy shall save thee.

30. And Laman replied: Behold, 'tis not Sunday Jacob, wherefore, givest me not a church sermon. And verily I say it is that I am here to seek out my friend, who is missing. And I suspect the Nephites in his disappearance. For thou doth admit to sending a spy to steal the poems of my friend. And it came to pass that my friend traveled to this village to retrieve his poems. Wherefore, behold, someone amongst thee doth know what did happen unto him. Wherefore, let me enter thy village and interrogate thy people so as I can solve this mystery.

31. And Jacob spake a reply unto Laman: Behold, Laman, thou shalt never enterest this village. Wherefore, depart this land, and return to thy wicked village. For if thou doth return here, exceptest to repent of thy sins, behold, it shall be an act of war, and we shall find it needs be to defend ourselves, even our wives, and our children, and especially our church, from thee and thy dark followers. Wherefore, I bid thee adieu.

32. And Laman replied: Behold Jacob, if thou refuses to admit me into thy village to conduct my investigation, yea, thou hath committed the crime of obstructing justice, which thing doth mean thou art guilty, even art thou guilty in the disappearance of my friend. And it shall be considered an act of war against my people. For aggression against one Lamanite is the same as aggression against all Lamanites. Wherefore, assist me in my investigation, or face the consequences. And I shall return in the space of a week, and if thou doth refuse to accept my terms, I shall bring my army against thee, and destroy thee, and thy nation. Wherefore, the choice is yours. Takest my demands to thy leader, Nephi, and I shall return in a week, with my army. We shall either investigate, or attack. Wherefore, adieu.

33. And after making his threats upon Jacob, it came to pass that Laman and his men did leave the land of the Nephites, and did return to their village.

  Home

© 2005 Josh Anderson Enterprises, All rights reserved. 

<Back | Next>