Home - Book of Zelph - The Whores - Chapter 2

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THE BOOK OF THE WHORES

THEIR LIVES AND TEACHINGS

 

CHAPTER 2

The parents of Zerith request Laman apologize to their son for threatening to behead him. The mother of Zerith wears fine apparel. The whores covet her wealth. She offers them a business opportunity, writes it upon the son of Abitch's scrolls. Arragornia commands Laman to repent and begin the repentance process. Laman forcefully removes Arragornia from the village. [Around 550 B.C.]

1. And it came to pass that I Yi Ping shall write some more things concerning this land, for I did inherit the plates from Laban, and shall continue appending my record unto his.

2. Now some days did pass from the time that Laman threatened to behead the two Nephites. And Laman did continually have the Lamanites prepared for war, for he did suspect Nephi to attack soon.

3. And it came to pass that a man and woman did approach, and they were Nephites. And Laman did order his men to their combat positions.

4. But the son of Abitch spake again unto Laman: Behold Laman, it is that thy old age hath made thee exceedingly paranoid, and even senile, for the people who doth approach our village are unarmed, and even is one a woman. Wherefore, stand down thy army and receive them as guests, for thy aggression and paranoia shall spark a war with Nephi. And it is that we must give peace a chance, for peace is preferable to war.

5. And Laman did listen to the wise counsel of the son of Abitch, for the son of Abitch did advise him on many things, and it was always that his counsel was good. Wherefore, Laman did order his men to be at ease.

6. And the Nephite couple came upon the entrance to the village. And Laman did greet them, and spake, saying: Greetings Nephites. What is it that thou doth want?

7. And the man spake unto Laman: Behold, it is that I am the brother of Joriah, and this is my wife. And it is that we are the parents of Zerith, who came to this village, as a duty to the prophet Nephi. And Zerith was threatened by a man named Laman, for Laman did threaten to smite off my son's head, and place it on a stake, and display it at the entrance of this village, which thing I find offensive, and which thing doth anger me exceedingly. Wherefore, where is Laman? For I desire to speak some words of anger at him, even to get some things off my chest.

8. And Laman spake, saying: Behold, I am Laman, and I spake those threats because thy son refused to listen to the words of my mouth. And thy son was a trespasser in these parts. Wherefore, brother of Joriah, it was necessary for me to maketh a violent threat unto thy son so as to remove him and his partner from this village.

9. And the brother of Joriah replied: Behold Laman, thou may callest me Arragornia, and yea, thou did hurtest my son's feelings, for it came to pass that he did cry much when he returned home from this village. And he doth refuse to eat, and does now have low self-esteem. Wherefore, thou must apologize to my son. I beg of thee to have compassion.

10. And Laman said: Behold Arragornia, if it is that my words did injure thy son's feelings exceedingly, behold, I shall apologize unto him. Nevertheless, I still demand him not to attempt to teach the things of Nephi unto me. Wherefore, show him unto me so as I can apologize unto him for my threat?

11. And after Laman agreed to apologize unto Zerith, Arragornia did turn and whistle into the woods. And Zerith did emerge from behind a bush, for he hid himself behind a bush because of his exceeding fear of Laman.

12. And Arragornia did yell out to Zerith: Come son, for Laman doth have something he would like to say unto thee.

13. And it came to pass that Zerith approached, and Laman beheld that Zerith was not the Nephite who did talk much, but he was the younger Nephite who did remain quiet during the visit. And Laman felt exceedingly bad, for it was that the talkative Nephite did anger him, not the quiet one.

14. And when Zerith came near, Laman beheld that he did wet himself, for he had a wet spot down there, which thing doth mean Zerith to be exceedingly frightened of Laman.

15. And Zerith stood before Laman, and trembled in fear of him, and did look at the ground. And Arragornia spake: Behold my son, be not afraid, for Laman doth have something he desires to say unto thee.

16. And Laman spake unto Zerith: Behold Zerith, I meant not to hurt thy feelings. For it was that thy partner did anger me, even exceedingly, and thou did gettest caught in the crossfire. Wherefore, take it not personally, for it is that I desire not to smite off thy head, for it was but an idle threat.

17. And Zerith looked towards the ground, and spake: Yea Laman, I guess it is okay.

18. And Laman did place his hand on Zerith's shoulders, and spake unto him: Now Zerith, how old is it that thou art?

19. And Zerith replied sheepishly: Behold, Laman sir, It is that I am sixteen years old.

20. And Laman replied unto Zerith: Sixteen? It is that sixteen is too young to be doing the work that a prophet demands. For boys like thee should be playing in the woods, wrestling cureloms, and chasing girls.

21. And Laman patteth Zerith on the back, and did laugh a belly laugh as he spake these words. And Zerith did smile at Laman, for he was now at ease with him.

22. And Laman spake: Behold, Zerith, it is that I have a son who is sixteen, even do I have three sons who are sixteen, for I did plant my seed inside many different women at the same time.

23. And when Laman spake of knowing many women, even at the same time, and even when he did laugh about committing such acts, Arragornia and his wife did look exceedingly disgusted. Nevertheless, they beheld the smile upon the face of Zerith, and did chastise not Laman's wickedness, for he did maketh their son to smile for the first time in many days.

24. And Laman did point to several Lamanite children who did play in the woods, and spake Behold Zerith, it is that my sons are playing with their friends in the woods. Does thou desire to play with them?

25. And Zerith did smile and did run and play with the Lamanite kids.

26. And Arragornia spake unto Laman: Laman, I thank thee for apologizing unto my son. Nevertheless, it is that I am at thy village on other business. For Nephi did receive thy request to remove thy name from his list, and did command me to come here to process thy request.

27. And Laman replied: Why is it that Nephi did not come himself?

28. And Arragornia spake: Behold, it is that the prophet Nephi is old and sick. Wherefore, he did request of me to perform this duty for him.

29. And Laman did reply: Behold Arragornia, it is that I also am not a spring chicken. Nevertheless, it doth sadden me that Nephi doth waste time on such things, for he doth simply need to cross my name off of a list. Wherefore, let me sign the forms so as we can end this foolishness.

30. And Arragornia replied: Yea Laman, it is that it shall not be that easy, for the lord's house is a house of order. Wherefore, is it that we can discuss such matters in thy teepee?

31. And Laman agreed, and they did disappear into Laman's teepee, and did leave behind the wife of Arragornia. And I spake unto the wife of Arragornia, and did offer unto her food, even did I invite her to sit with me and mine daughters while she doth await her husband.

32. And the wife of Arragornia accepted my offer. And we did eat food, and did drink grape juice while the men did conduct business.

33. And it came to pass that we spake with the wife of Arragornia, even did we have a conversation, and learned of the wife of Arragornia's life, and from whence she came. And it was that she was exceedingly wealthy. For she had upon her body garments of exceeding elegance, and did wear much gold and silver, and even diamonds, which things did maketh my daughters exceedingly envious of the precious things she did possess.

34. And the wife of Arragornia desired exceedingly to know where it was that we did come from, and how it was that we did come to live amongst the Lamanites.

35. And I commenced explaining the situations that did bringeth us to this land, even I did explain that we onced worked as harlots, and the skill of knowing men was the only skill we doth possess. And because we ceased to be young, and ceased to be beautiful, yea, we no longer worked as harlots, for it is that I am an old woman, as are my daughters, and because no man desires to pay for our services, nor doth any man desire to know us for free, yea, we shall live out our lives gathering berries for the village, which thing doth require not skills.

36. And when we did explain the circumstances that did bring us to this land, even did bring us to this land thirty and nine years earlier, yea, and after we did explain to the wife of Arragornia that we had not the skills or means to maketh a living except to gather berries for the village, yea, it was that she did offer us an opportunity. Even did she say it was an opportunity that we could not refuse.

37. And we did listen to the words of the wife of Arragornia's mouth. And she did explain the means by which she did haveth fine apparel, and much gold and silver, and even diamonds.

38. For it was that her husband, Arragornia, was exceedingly wealthy, and did build his wealth through business. And it was that the wife of Arragornia did assist Arragornia in making exceeding profit through their business dealings. And it was that their business was not a harlot business, nor a massage parlour, like unto the business that I did have in Nahom, even long ago, and far across the sea.

39. And because their business was not a massage parlour, and required us not to entice men to pay us for fornication services, yea, it was that we could maketh exceeding wealth even while being old and wrinkly, according to the words of the wife of Arragornia's mouth.

40. And it came to pass that the wife of Arragornia did unveil her business plan, even did she teach it to me and mine daughters.

41. And she spake her business plan, and it did involve us each teaching the plan to five other people, who would then teach the plan to five more people each, and so forth. And if we do follow the plan, yea, the wife of Arragornia doth promise us exceeding wealth, yea, even beyond our wildest dreams.

42. And it was that I was skeptical of such a thing. For it was that my father did teach me, even long ago in my homeland, an ancient Asian proverb which doth say: If something seems to good to be true, behold, it probably is.

43. And it came to pass that I spake my doubts unto the wife of Arragornia. And my daughters were frustrated at my skepticism, for it was that the wonderful and marvelous promises that the wife of Arragornia spake were enticing unto them. For she did fill their minds with much dreams of wealth, which things were enticing unto my materialistic daughters.

44. And the wife of Arragornia did attempt to ease my doubts. And inasmuch as she desired to illustrate her plan for us, yea, she did ask if we did haveth something for her to write upon.

45. And we beheld a papyrus scroll nearby, which thing the son of Abitch doth use to write his poems upon. And we did borrow it so as the wife of Arragornia can illustrate her business plan for us, for she did promise to only use a small section, and we did think the son of Abitch shall not mind.

45. And the wife of Arragornia did draw upon the papyrus, and did illustrate how it was that the business did work using circles and lines, and exceedingly large numbers. And when she did finish her drawing, it did show us how it was that we could generate exceeding wealth.

46. And the plan did make sense, and it did makest my daughters to be exceedingly excited, for it was that they desired to have much fine apparel.

47. And I spake unto the wife of Arragornia, and did ask of her: Behold Arragornia, the thing that thou hath shown unto us, even unto me and mine daughters, yea, is exceedingly enticing, and doth seem too good to be true. Wherefore, I doth believe there shall be no free lunch. What is it that we must do for thee so as we can be part of thy business.

48. And the wife of Arragornia did reply: Behold, Yi Ping, thou doth ask a good question, for it is that all that is required of anyone who doth desire to join me in my wonderful and marvelous lifestyle is a payment of ten nuggets of gold. After thou hath paid me, yea, I thus take a portion and pass the remainder of the ten nuggets to the person who did sign me up. And that person thus takes a portion, and passes the remainder up the chain, even as I did draw it upon the papyrus.

49. And the wife of Arragornia did motion to her illustrations and did continue speaking: Yea, it is that after thou hath given me ten nuggets of gold, then do ye join me and the others in the business, and we are above thee. And when it is that thou doth sign people up under thee, then will thou getteth a portion of their ten nuggets of gold when they doth pay up. And when the people who ye doth sign up doth sign up more people, verily behold, thou shalt receiveth a portion of their payment too. And thus shall commence the period that gold, even nuggets, and even piles of gold, shall begin flowing into thy hands like rain on a rainy day.

50. And the business plan did make exceeding sense to me and mine daughters. But wo, it was that we had not ten nuggets of gold amongst us, nor even a flake of gold. Wherefore, we had not the means to sign up.

51. And when the wife of Arragornia heareth we had not the means to pay ten nuggets of gold, yea, and that we could afford not to join her business, yea, she did reply and did tell us that we should not pass up this opportunity, and we could not afford to not join. And it was that she was exceedingly persuasive in her words.

52. And the wife of Arragornia pleadeth with us saying: Behold, ye must find a way to get the gold, so as ye can join up, for others desire also to join up, and it is that I have limited space for new members. Wherefore behold, ye must quickly find the gold to pay me so as ye shall join the business before the opportunity doth pass ye by. For this is a golden opportunity, even literally is it a golden opportunity, for much gold awaits you.

53. And it was that my daughters did beg of me to find gold, so as we could join the business before others take our spot. And I spake unto the wife of Arragornia, and did tell her to give me twenty-four hours in which to gather the gold so as me and mine daughters could join her business.

54. And the wife of Arragornia did agree to meet me the following day, under the great oak tree in the wilderness. And she spake that if I had not the payment for her, she would need to sign up another, and we would miss our opportunity. And I did promise her that I would get the payment for her tomorrow.

55. And it came to pass that when we did finish discussing the business opportunity, yea, we did hear loud voices that did come from the direction of Laman's teepee. And there was much ado within his teepee. And it was that  Arragornia did quickly emerge from the teepee, and did run fast, and spake unto his wife: Behold, we must leave at once if we desire to live.

56. And Laman did emerge from the teepee with his sword drawn. And Arragornia did grab his wife by the arm, and did pull her to her feet. And they did run from the village, and did grab Zerith from where he did play, and the three of them did quickly run away from the village.

57. And I spake unto Laman, and did ask him what it was that did happen.

58. And Laman did reply: Yea, it was that Arragornia doth refuse to remove my name from Nephi's list unless it is that I apologize unto Nephi, and begin the repentance process. And I did disagree with him and did threaten to behead him. Wherefore, I suspect I did cause more tensions between our two nations.

59. And I did agree with Laman's suspicion. And I did worry not about such things, for it was that my mind was occupied with the things that the wife of Arragornia doth teach us. For it must needs be that I find ten nuggets of gold for me and mine daughters.

60. And now I make an end to writing the second chapter of my record. Wherefore, Sayonara.

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