Welcome to Testimony Meeting
We hope these testimonies help strengthen your knowledge that The Book of
Zelph is true.
(Scroll to the bottom for the newest testimonies)
It saddens us that you don't want to bear your testimony.
New Page 1
Name: Mark Hoffman
Location: Utah State Prison, Draper, Utah.
Testimony: This is no cheap forgery. It's the real deal!
Name: An Daoren
Location: Beijing
Testimony: This is so funny!
Therefore, I knowest that itsest trueth.
Name: Mr. T
Location: South American Mission South
Testimony: Hi, I'm a missionary trying to get into the doors of millions and
proclaim the gospel of Zelph. I bear my testimony that it is true. Read it for
yourself and roll the dice, then you can know like me. So many other smart
people believe, why don't you give it a read?
Name: Sid Rigdon
Location: Mesa, Arizona
Testimony: Praise to the man who discovered this inspirational long lost text!
May he hie to Kolob in the twinkling of an eye.
Name: in awe
Location: utah
Testimony: My third cousin's brother-in-law said that he knew of a guy in the
next county who had been visited by three mysterious beings. They identified
themselves as the three Asian Whoramites, women who had been allowed to linger
on this earth to minister to the needs of the sons of Laban until the second
coming.
I am just blown away by this and I know it is true.
Name: Robert Mein
Location: Cardston Alberta Canada
Testimony:I know the Book of Zelph is God's word on earth. When I read it I feel so
special. A warm feeling passes through my chest, like heart burn , but nicer.
Thank you for letting me see how the Book of Zelph testifies to the truthfulness
of the Book of Mormon. Thank you for bringing forth this marvelous work and a
wonder.
Ooops, I have to go eat my jello now. Bye.
Name: Testimony of the Twelve
Location: Ascended Realms
Testimony:We, Billy Bob Whitmer, Billy Joe Whitmer, Billy Marie Whitmer, Bob Billy
Whitmer,
Billy Whitmer Joe, Lisa Marie Prezlie, Billy Bob Thorndun, Billy Joe Thorndun,
Lisa Marie Smith, John Smith, Billy Bob Smith, and Billy Whitmer Smith all say
that this book is true, and the man what translated it testifietheth to its
greater truth, and youse all better believeth it, because we all says it be
true.
Name: Queen Lamoni
Location: New York State or Mesoamerica--I'm not sure which
Testimony:Yea, having read the Book of Zelph, I know that others say that it is dead and
that it stinketh, but as for myself, to me it doth not stink.
Name: Mickey
Location: High above the Great Western Sea
Testimony:I bear my testimony that I know Josh Anderson is a true prophet of something, I
know not what. I know the Book of Zelph is true, for I know a little something
about Asian Whores myself, and they completely explain the lack of Jewish DNA in
modern Lamanites.
Excuse me! **Sniffles. Sobs. Snorts***
When I read the testimony of the thirteen (or was it 14?) witnesses, I felt a
burning **Snort!**that was like no other**sob!** I have ever
felt***belllllch!***. It can only be a sign from god, and can't have anything
to do with the Thai food I had for lunch. I haven't read the Book of Zelph but
fully intend to do so, I swear.
I say these things in the name of Jesse Shrike, Amen!
Name: Jungle84025
Location: SLC
Testimony:I would truly be ungrateful if I didn't take the opportunity to stand before you
all and express my gratitude to God for sending Josh Anderson before us who
translated the Book of Zelph, Another Testament of the Book of Mormon. I just
wanted to let everyone know that I know the Book of Zelph to be true beyond a
shadow of a doubt. There was a time when I took all this for Granite but after
my pet turtle died and I felt so lonely, I decided to test Melph's promise and
roll to see if what was written on the Leather Plates was true or not. I was
very skeptical at first that I would roll a 7 since that would require a 3 and a
4. In fact I didn't even notice that I rolled a 7 the FIRST try because it was
a 6 and a 1! But something told me to look a little closer, and when I did I
realized that 6 and 1 do equal 7!! I know that the Lord truly helped me to add
correctly that day because he wanted me to find the truth. I bear my solemn
witness to these things in the name of Cheezy Rice, Amen.
Name: Adrienne
Location: Land of Zion
Testimony:My life has been changed for the better because of the Book of Zelph. I KNOW
beyond a shadow of a doubt that this book is true and I KNOW that Josh Anderson
is an inspired prophet! Praise to the man!
Name: Daniel Piedersen
Location: Provo, Utah
Testimony:My research findings indicate that the Book of Zelph is a miracle! I have
identified several instances of chiasmus in the Book of Poems, which are
remarkably similar to those found in the Old Testament. Moreover, certain
evidences indicate that the entire Book of Zelph was translated within just a
very short time. Thus, it does not seem plausible that such a work, so rich in
Hebrewisms and completed in such a brief period of time, could have been
conceived by the mind of an uneducated Chucky-Cheese employee. This book is
true.
Name: Epstein
Location: The Mission Field
Testimony:The fact that so many people think the Book of Zelph was made up is proof that
it is true! You should pray to know that it is true. And if you don't get an
answer, you should believe it anyway. And if you don't believe in it, you will
damn all your posterity to hell forever and ever.
Name: Halle
Location: New Hampshire
Testimony:I'm sure the Book of Zelph is true. But that's not the point. Boy, are you
going to be in truuuuuuuble!! Gordon B.'s going to spend five minutes with you
and come out shouting, "Who's your mama now, huh?"
P.S: can I be a prophet in
your church, even though I'm a girl, can I? Can I??
Name: Lili Von Schtupp
Location: Blazing Saddles AZ
Testimony:Is it twue what they say?
Oh, it's twue, it's twue, it's twue, it's twue!
Name: Zelphina
Location: Happy Valley, UT
Testimony:I am four so my daddy is typing this for me. I was named after Zelph.
I want to bear my testimony that the Book of Zelph is true.
I know Josh Anderson is a true prophet of God.
I am so happy that Josh Anderson works at Chuck E. Cheese and hope that means we
get to take pizza bites from that silver tray on Sunday instead of those dry
bread pieces.
I pray that God will answer my prayers to let me be Tiger Lilly (Zelph's baby's
mama)for Halloween.
Inthenameoffisherpriceamen
Name: Dave
Location: San Rafael
Testimony:Has it a name? Oh does it ever, its Zelph.
Name: Molly
Location: Sandy UT
Testimony:Don't listen to me to learn that the Book of Zelph is true. Read it yourself or
just one verse then pray about it and wait for the warm fuzzies! That warm,
gassy feeling will tell you that it's true!
Name: Jarrod
Location: The Land North of the Land of Zelph
Testimony:I have doubts about the Book of Zelph. I have gone through several dozen pair
of dice and have not rolled a seven in at least two thousand throws.
I have been in contact with a very fat man at FRUMPS (Foundation for the
Righteous Understanding of Mormon Pseudo-Science) who tell me that I may need to
understand "seven" as a different number altogether. He has me reading the
remarkable writings of Thomas Kuhn, who says that I can't really even know if I
roll a seven, or what "seven" means anyway, so maybe I have only ever rolled a
seven and nothing else. Deep stuff!
Progress is slow, but I know with every fiber of my toenails that I will one day
roll a seven and know that the Book of Zelph is a true and sacred record.
Amen.
Name: Jennifer Hart
Location: Not saying
Testimony:this bok is written for this generation. it speaks to the people of this
generation. read it an you will see. this book is TRUE!!!
Name: Dave
Location: Redding, CA
Testimony:awesome awesome book!!!!!!!
Name: Scott Keller
Location: Washington State
Testimony:I know this book is true. It is absolutely incredible. I can't believe some
people actually think Josh Anderson wrote it all by himself and it is fiction.
The guy is a high school drop out who works at Chuck E Cheese's. Give me a
break. This is definitely an inspired book that no uneducated person could
write. Check it out.
Name: Reba Johnston
Location: USA
Testimony:The Book of Zelph changed my life. I am so thankful I read this great and true
book. I know The book of Zelph is true. I Know Josh Anderson got it the way he
said he did. There is no way a high school drop out could of written this book.
It is such an amazing book. But don't take my word for it. Read it for yourself.
Name: Jim Whalen
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
Testimony:I would like to take the time to bear my testimony about the truthfulness of the
Book of Zelph. No book is truer than this book. Please take the time to read it,
you will thank me when you finish.
Name: Janice
Location: Des Moines, Iowa
Testimony:I know for a fact that the book of Zelph is true. It is such an awesome book!!
Read it for yourself, and you to will know it is true.
Date & Time: Monday 06th of June 2005 08:14:53 PM
Name: Not saying
Location: Not saying
Testimony: Looks like some idiot with a computer has way too much time on his hands. What a stupid joke. When you get done slapping yourself on the back for this retarded website, maybe you will realize how tearing down other people\'s faith is a terrible way to waste time. Grow Up!!
Date & Time: Tuesday 07th of June 2005 12:52:04 AM
Name: Ms. K Kirk
Location: Indiana
Testimony: Many people persecute those that know the truth of the Book of Zelph, but as you can see from the testimonies of these my brothers and sisters, that just makes us stronger.
If you want to know if it is true, you must read it while knowing that it is true. Then pray and ask God to send a burning to your bosom to enhance your knowledge that it is true. If your bosom doesn\'t burn, then you obviously read it not knowing it was true.
Another solution to the absence of a burning bosom is to eat a couple of pizzas while reclining.
Date & Time: Tuesday 07th of June 2005 02:08:28 AM
Name: Marcus Twain
Location: Hannibal
Testimony: Testimony: \'Tis some of the best chloroform in print that I ever laid my eyes thereupon. And, I reckon I have laid my eyes on a lot of beautiful things, in my day. So, hooray! Just do as I did and follow your nose: because the nose knows where to find leather \"plates\" as perfectly preserved...even better than...any old preserves made out of strawberry, that is for sure!. Just imagine how leather could ever have been preserved that long, without worms and cockroaches devouring it (and eating it up, too!) Miraculous! Even though I now feel sooo sleepy, from all those methane and CHLOROFORM fumes that that-there leather is giving off. Zelph, you old Hamitic White Lamanite, you! You are playing tricks on my mind! Night-night! Zzzzzzzzzz.
Date & Time: Tuesday 07th of June 2005 02:34:44 PM
Name: A Mormon
Location: U.S.A.
Testimony: Bwahaha. Very funny. It\'s losers like you that prove the church is true. No other church has so many anti-sites than the mormon church with all the anti-mormon crap we contend with daily. You must be worried otherwise you wouldn\'t spend so much time mocking the LDS church, the one and only true church.
Date & Time: Tuesday 07th of June 2005 02:45:26 PM
Name: Satan
Location: Hell
Testimony: Dammitt!! Now I have another true church to contend with. I\'m gonna need a partner.
Date & Time: Tuesday 07th of June 2005 04:09:33 PM
Name: Z-boy
Location: New Mexico
Testimony: I know the Book Of Zelph is the truest book in the bom. And it came to pass.
Date & Time: Tuesday 07th of June 2005 04:21:45 PM
Name: Sideon
Location: East Bay, California
Testimony: I know the Book of Zelph is true because Nephi was gay.
Amen to iron rods.
Date & Time: Tuesday 07th of June 2005 04:50:39 PM
Name: Fly
Location: my house
Testimony: I would indeed be ungrateful if I did not take this opportunity to stand before you today and express my gratitude for the *sniff* Book of Zelph.
(Oh, I promised myself that I would not cry this time! *sob*)
I feel the Spirit so strongly every time I read the Book of Zelph. Brothes and Sisters, I *know* it is true. I know that Heavenly Father loves us, because he has given us this incredible gift. Someday, if I live a worthy life, I want to be able to stand in the presence of Zelph in the Celestial Kingdom and thank him for his labors and sacrifices so that we could have this book of scripture.
And I say these things in the name of our savior, even Jesus Christ, amen.
Date & Time: Tuesday 07th of June 2005 04:53:59 PM
Name: Needie A. Life
Location: Corridor, Utah
Testimony: I read the Book of Zelph. For some reason, I had reservations about it being true. I left the decision up to the dice. I rolled a seven on the FIRST try. I fell to my knees and begged forgivness for ever doubting the truthfulness of the Book of Zelph! I now know it was the influence of Satan (or alcohol) that made me doubt it to begin with. May I add, my life has remained absolutely unchanged since the revelation of the truthfulness of the Book of Zelph.
Date & Time: Thursday 09th of June 2005 07:34:49 PM
Name: Josh Terry
Location: Vancouver Island - The Other Right Place
Testimony: Be it known to all lurkers, posters, administrators, and people unto whom this work shall come: That Josh Anderson Enterprises has correctly represented the side of the Lamanites, and that the record born here is true and faithful; for I have read selected portions and have hefted rocks that are probably very similar to the Zelph stone:,,:; therefore, I bear record with words of soberness, though I be drunken, or at least buzzed; that the said Anderson has got the stone of which I have spoken. I lie not a little, Jeebus bearing witness of it.
Date & Time: Friday 10th of June 2005 01:12:09 PM
Name: Gordon B. Hinkley
Location: Salt Lake City Utah
Testimony: It is marvelous to live in this season of the world\'s history and to see the Lord unfold this divine and glorious work. The Book of Zelph contains a grand message; that a Living God continues
to speak to his children by the most preposterous and unbelievable means. We extend a hand of fellowship to the world, and ask all our fellow Christians of good conscious to read the Book of Zelph, and ask yourself: \"is it really any more preposterous than the Book of Mormon?\" I prophesy and bless all of you that you will hear a divine whisper within your heart \"no, it is just as true.\"
Date & Time: Wednesday 15th of June 2005 02:24:44 AM
Name: Van Hale
Location: The State of Deseret
Testimony: I have never seen the Book of Zelph taught before, so that means that it does not exist. My personal experiences are representative of all Mormons, and therefore you can rest assured that the Book of Zelph is just another anti-Mormon tool of the Adversary.
Date & Time: Wednesday 15th of June 2005 07:15:07 PM
Name: W. Marriott
Location: The Promised Land
Testimony: I experimented upon the word of Zelph, yea I did fake it until I made it. I testify unto all ye fine inhabitants of this land that Zelph was indeed white (except when he failed to bathe on a regular basis).
My faith in the power of The Book of Zelph was strengthened when on a camping trip. Yea I was showered with hot sparks from the fire while reading my Book of Zelph and I was only burned where the Book of Zelph was not. Miracles do occur in the latter days by reading the Book of Zelph.
In the name of Zelph, Amen.
Date & Time: Friday 15th of July 2005 03:59:09 PM
Name: U. Thummim
Location: Banks of the Mississippi
Testimony: Because a testimony of the Book of Zelph is to be found in the rolling of
it, I kept rolling the dice until they come up with a seven. Just because
the first 19 rolls were snake eyes there was no reason to doubt, but just
keep rolling. I am here to testify that I finally rolled a seven so there
is now need to roll the dice any more. My thinking is now done. I know
with every fiber of my bran cereal that it is a true book because I
eventually rolled a seven. I hope that you too can find the joy I have by
putting Melph\'s promise to the test
Date & Time: Tuesday 19th of July 2005 12:26:16 AM
Name: Moon Quaker
Location: Taurus-Littrow Valley
Testimony: In my patriarchal blessing I was promised that the inhabitants of the earth would someday visit the moon and teach me the ways of Zelph. To this day, only the Apollo astronauts have visited me, apparently they had more important things to do. It wasn\'t until Josh Anderson created this blessed website that I have been able to learn of Zelph. My posterity will be forever blessed. Josh Anderson has done more for the salvation of man (even more so than Joseph Smith and Jesus combined) than any other man to walk the earth. I say these things in the name of Josh Anderson, amen.
Date & Time: Friday 22nd of July 2005 03:12:13 PM
Name: In-Bread
Location: Alabama
Testimony: You know you stole my plates. I know you also have my stone. Put it against your head and you will know who I am!
Date & Time: Tuesday 26th of July 2005 03:49:54 PM
Name: Mickey
Location: In the Great Western Sea
Testimony: Brothers and Sisters. Previously I bore my testimony to you concerning the Book of Zelph. I am sorry to say that in the intervening time I have been sorely tempted by Satan and his Anti-Zelph minions, fell into apostasy and couldn\'t get up.
It was the whores, probably.
Yet, I returned to this site and read the 13 things that we believe, and my testimony is being edified with each passing second, yea, even as I type this.
I paid my titing on line, after which I felt a burning in my loins. After taking a leak, and applying ointment, I opened my mail and found I had received $81 in Staples Rewards credit to be used just like cash in my next purchase of office supplies from Staples. I now have a testimony of paying a full tithe to the Book of Zelph Church, or whatever it\'s called, because I obviously was increased by virtue of this Staples Rewards credit after paying my tithing. Therefore, The Book of Zelph must be true.
I say these things in the name of Jerry Rice, Amen!
Date & Time: Thursday 28th of July 2005 05:21:26 PM
Name: Joe Hova
Location: earth
Testimony: Yeah man. This book finally opened my eyes to the truth. I have never been happier in my cabin in the woods where I hide my 25 wives. I hope to one day baptise all your dead bodies so you too can know my celestial bliss.
Date & Time: Thursday 28th of July 2005 05:26:15 PM
Name: Elvis
Location: Secret hideout
Testimony: The missionaries found me and I\'m glad they did. I just love this book.
Date & Time: Thursday 28th of July 2005 05:28:52 PM
Name: Elvis
Location: Secret hideout
Testimony: The missionaries found me and I\'m glad they did. I just love this book.
Date & Time: Thursday 28th of July 2005 07:17:35 PM
Name: Stephen Bendon
Location: Exile, AZ
Testimony: I am here to proclaim the Book of Zelph a lie and Josh Anderson a fraud! I speak from experience as a long time member of the Church of Zelph - five weeks, did you hear me?! Five long weeks I gave my life over to the Church of Zelph! I rolled the dice and got a 7! I paid my full tithe online! And then I stumbled across a list of the ten markers of a cult and the Church of Zelph qualified for 9 of them! Plus, Josh propositioned my wife and told her Zelph had promised her to him in a past life but he had to settle for one weekend a month with her in this life. AND I discovered he changed his original story of his discovery of the Plates of Zelph that he told Becky four times! What a crock! What a lie! It IS a cult! I am leaving and starting a web site for Recovering Zelphons. You may come and begin your recovery today. We also have optional online tithe offerings. http://www.exzelph.com
Date & Time: Thursday 28th of July 2005 11:26:03 PM
Name: Brad Greenwood
Location: Zarahemla
Testimony: Zelph has had such an impact on me that I have taken his name online...
zelph_2000@yahoo.com
Date & Time: Friday 29th of July 2005 09:58:43 AM
Name: Mujun
Location: California
Testimony: I want to bear my testimony that I know the Book of Zelph is true, and that The Prophet Josh translated it by using the Uma Thurman.
Date & Time: Friday 29th of July 2005 10:01:54 AM
Name: Jane Sorenson
Location: Provo, Utah
Testimony: I have not read the Book of Zelph yet. I don\'t need to. Just by spending five minutes on this site, my life has been blessed immeasurably! My doctor called and said my cancer is in remission and it\'s all down to faith in Zelph!! I know it\'s true. I know Brother Josh is a true prophet! I don\'t know how I can ever thank you enough. I owe my life to Zelph and his miracles!
Date & Time: Friday 29th of July 2005 10:06:42 AM
Name: Octavia The Great
Location: Boise, Idaho
Testimony: I just wanted to type before all of you today and publicly thank my Father in Heaven for giving us this online translation. I know that Josh Anderson was a prophet of God. I know with every fiber of my being that this book is true. I know these things because I\'ve been programmed to believe that feeling this way means God\'s talking to me and saying YES in advance to whatever the Mormon church may teach. It\'s not just a chemical response to emotional stimuli. I know with all of my heart that I am not a robot. I say these things in the name of Josh Anderson, Amen.
......... snif snif
Oh, where\'s that kleenex box when you need it!
Date & Time: Friday 29th of July 2005 12:22:33 PM
Name: Josh Anderson Sr.
Location: Palmyra
Testimony: Having raised Josh from an early age, I know and understand his capabilities. Having never finished the fifth grade, he is in no way capable of writing such a book. Therefore, the Book of Zelph must be true. I bear witness to the truthfulness of this book. Now please donate money so the message of the Book of Zelph can move forward.
Date & Time: Friday 29th of July 2005 12:40:17 PM
Name: Edgar Allen Poet
Location: Limited Geography
Testimony: Zelph, the white Lamanite
Had a big sword,
Man he could fight
For the Lord.
He beat all the dark ones
To heck and back,
Fathers and sons
All got a whack.
Zelph, the white Lamite,
Righteous was he,
I’m glad he was white,
Just like me.
Date & Time: Friday 29th of July 2005 01:27:34 PM
Name: Jake D
Location: Utah
Testimony: I felt a burning bosom while reading the Book of Zelph. She liked it too!
Date & Time: Friday 29th of July 2005 10:05:05 PM
Name: TruthSeeker
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Testimony: Although I have not read The Book of Zelph, I know that it is true because last night I was playing backgammon, and later, after I\'d gone to bed, in my dream I saw my last roll (a double 5) on a very dark blue textured background. When I saw the cover of the book of Zelph on this website (today is my first time here), I knew that the Spirit of the doG of Zelph had led me to the truth! Thank you, Josh Anderson! You have done a mighty work and the Almighty dorL whom Zelph doth worship in His Holy Magnificence will bless you and your posterity exceedingly, yea even until the resurrected spirits of Zelph and his descendants have obtained their inheritance in the land of Siom (the \'S\' is pronounced like a \'tph\'), which is in modern-day Iraq.
By the way, can I pay my tithing using a Discover card? (I like to collect the points).
Date & Time: Saturday 30th of July 2005 12:35:34 PM
Name: Joe Jr. the third
Location: fighting the \'Holy War\' in Iraq
Testimony: When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can\'t explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.. So the book of Zelph has to be true.. there is no other explaination
Date & Time: Saturday 30th of July 2005 02:27:38 PM
Name: new prostelyte
Location: land of the labanites
Testimony: I joined because I wanted to learn to swing like the whores taught us to do.. so I just believe!!!!!!!!!!!
After all what is good for Joseph Smith has got to be good for the rest of us right?
Date & Time: Saturday 30th of July 2005 11:51:11 PM
Name: Mahonri
Location:
Testimony: Just remember my brothers and sisters if you do not roll a 7 one your 1d20 die, it is not the book of zelph that is lacking. It is you.
Date & Time: Monday 01st of August 2005 12:25:40 AM
Name: it become thee to testify
Location: for as much as the moon s higher then ..
Testimony: I was asked to bear testimony tody, and I consider it a great honor to type before you all as to the truth of the book of Zelph. I was once an unbeliever carried away by various and diverse sins of the menial kind. But, it came to pass, that it came to pass, in the due course of time, by the Hevanly father\'s own time, that I also lifted rocks of similar weight, being such rocks as the earth bringeth forth after it\'s own kind in in same manner of shape , and in same manner of constitution, and in same manner of color and size, that I became fully convinced, that such manner of rocks do indeed exist in the earth. Further, I was confronted by all manner of men in suits , smelling of cheap colone, bearing the title of elder, that I decide maybe he church welfare program would work for me too. I futher had a revelation that underwear are indeed holy garments. I took up the study of geneoloy and discovered that my great, great uncle that was never baptised by full emersion. Wanting to save him from hell fire because he was a Jack Mormon, I decide to be baptised for him, and it came to pass that I was fully emersed after the manner of full emersion, after the manner of baptisim, for my dead great, great uncle. So I know the church of Zelph is true.
Date & Time: Monday 01st of August 2005 03:48:07 PM
Name: Mike Norton
Location: Layton, Utard
Testimony: This \"Book of Zelph\" goes against everything I believe. I will not read it in MY house. I will not read it with a mouse. I will not read it in a box. I will not read it with Vivica A. Fox.
Wait, scratch that last one. She\'s pretty hot. I WOULD read it if you could hook me up with her.
Norton
Date & Time: Tuesday 02nd of August 2005 07:55:32 PM
Name: Sanford Loobins
Location: Reality
Testimony: Hey loser.... I\'m gonna start a webpage like yours.... It will be called www.imaloserandhavealotoftimeandnogirlfriend.com
Date & Time: Tuesday 02nd of August 2005 07:57:37 PM
Name: Ima crappyProgrammer
Location: future
Testimony: I think maybe I will use my talents and energies to show my extreme imaturity and lack of character. Oh, maybe not it looks like the admin of this site is already doing that.....
Date & Time: Tuesday 02nd of August 2005 08:05:59 PM
Name: Josh Anderson
Location: Fantasy Land
Testimony: I believe in masturbating as much as I can. I have no life. I sit in my room all day feeling sorry for myself because I am a pathetic human being. I may get enough courage on day to actually do some intellectual reading. Oh no, maybe not, I might have to go to the library and they won\'t let me in with all of the vaseline on my hands..... What am I to do? Oh, maybe I can rdcule someone\'s religion. Oh yeah, I\'ll do that. Pass the porn password and the vaseline!
Date & Time: Tuesday 02nd of August 2005 08:07:57 PM
Name: Josh Anderson
Location: Rainbow Flag Guy
Testimony: I am a fag. I got kicked out of the mormon church for kissing other men. So now I am a poopy pants cry baby with marginal programming skills. Boo Hoo.... Don\'t you feel sorry for me? I am mad. Maybe I\'ll make a webpage about it.... Yeah. I am a winner!
Date & Time: Tuesday 02nd of August 2005 08:10:00 PM
Name: Josh Anderson
Location: 5th grade was hard
Testimony: When I was in 5th grade people used to beat me up! So now I am 30 and still play dungeons and Dragons. I am mad. I am sad. Pass the 8 sided dice and I will slay the mormon drgaon with neat little webpage.....
Date & Time: Wednesday 03rd of August 2005 07:10:45 AM
Name: Josh ANderson
Location: My mom\'s basement
Testimony: I am 30 and I still live at home with my mommy. I saved up money I stole out of her purse to buy a \"PHP for dummies\" book. Now I can show the world cool I am!
Date & Time: Wednesday 03rd of August 2005 09:01:05 PM
Name: Josh Anderson
Location: Chupacabra\'s Lair
Testimony: I am anvid gamer. I don\'t need a real girlfriend. I hav a virtual one online. It is awsome. I just spank my monkey and imagine one day actually talking to a girl. I am a WINNER!
Date & Time: Wednesday 03rd of August 2005 09:22:32 PM
Name: the captian
Location: closer to home
Testimony: See.. proof that Josh Anderson could not have written such a masterpiece as the book of Zelph.. I mean com\'n the guys surely not worthy of the elite halls of modern morman scribes and pharisees. Josh Anderson is the new prophet of the great white mormon religion!! I belive Josh.. I believe!!
Date & Time: Wednesday 03rd of August 2005 09:34:32 PM
Name: In Awe
Location: on my way
Testimony: I believe Josh Anderson should have 40 wives, one third of them should be underage, and another third of them should be married to other men. That way Josh can be just like Joseph Smith! The \"\"Real Prophet\"\" of the real one and only true religion.
I am convinced this is true because, I saw Holy underwear at the Victoria\'s Secret website and had a revelation.
Date & Time: Friday 05th of August 2005 09:11:39 AM
Name: true believer
Location: hieing to kolob in my space capsule
Testimony: Only the TRUTH and the TRUE PROPHET get persecuted - that PROVES it is true! Josh Anderson is a modern day prophet and The Book of Zelph is true because they are now being PERSECUTED by Satan\'s minions (who will burn in hell for their unbelief). I testify in the name of Zelph. Amen.
Date & Time: Friday 05th of August 2005 09:56:16 PM
Name: Jozelph Smiff
Location: Salt Lake City
Testimony: How darre sum pepol critizize Josh Andursun who is a tru profete.
We ar smart and know that the Book of Zelph is tru. And why do we say that??? Anser??? Because we do.
And the very fact that we don\'t doubt it also pruves it. So there.
So the next time you doubt that Josh is a profete, jus ask him and he\'ll tell you so, just like Joseph Smith did. How can you argu with that sorta logic???
God spoke to Josh and I am one of those witnesses that bares my testeemony.
And you can tell that I\'m a Zelphite because of my great spellin...just like the poeople of that other relijun that crizicize and doubt ares.
All you who doubt Josh will probly burn in hell and are majur masterbaiters. Cause you can\'t simply doubt us and be normul.
House that for logic???
I say these things because there tru.
Thank you. Nuff said.
Date & Time: Saturday 06th of August 2005 03:47:35 AM
Name: LeahHona
Location: VA
Testimony: Choose ye this day who ye will serve...as for me and my house, I will serve the Book of Zelph. Hosanna and Hallelujah to Zelph and Melph! Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna!!
Date & Time: Saturday 06th of August 2005 05:25:39 PM
Name: Great white hope
Location: Superiour MT
Testimony: How can anyone doubt the book of Zelph? It was written on plates. How do you explian the Zelph cravings? How do you explain, the testemony of so many believers who also bear wittness? How do you explain anything? How do you explain how to explain? How do you explain all the \"it came to pass\" statements and other Biblical language used throughout the book of Zelph? How did I get here to bear testimony... nothing is by accident you know.. so how do you explain that? How do those little ships get inside bottles? If you can explain that, how can you expect to explain anything? How come women like arrogant rough guys instead of whimpy wuss\'s who are soooo nice. Huh? tell me that one! I don\'t have to explain anything.. the book of Zelph has all the answers.. so shut the f... up!
Date & Time: Saturday 06th of August 2005 10:57:47 PM
Name: Bammer
Location: Orange County
Testimony: I know Josh Anderson is a true and living prophet, seer, and revelator-type-of-guy. And that the Book of Zelph is true. The spirit, a spirit, some kind of spirit, maybe it\'s more like a feeling-spirit. Anyway, something in my heart tells me this story is true. Truer than true. I\'m so grateful that Josh sacrificed so much of himself to bring this book forth. Praise to the man!
Date & Time: Wednesday 10th of August 2005 09:25:17 AM
Name: Molly
Location: Provo, UT
Testimony: I can\'t believe that I have been so blessed as to recieve the word of Zelph! *sob* I know that the book is true and anyone who mocks it is a tool of Satan! I will follow Zelph for eternity!!!
For I have recieved the burning and know that the Book of Zelph is true!!
Date & Time: Saturday 13th of August 2005 02:26:57 PM
Name: star in the sky
Location: above the center of the earth
Testimony: I am here to bear my testimony of the truthfulness of The Book of Zelph. I know it is just as true as the book of Moron.
Date & Time: Sunday 14th of August 2005 12:48:59 PM
Name: Chris
Location: Germany
Testimony: I testify that The Book of Zelph is truly the word of Josh. He was inspired no question about it. At first I was a little leary about the dice but after rolling 20 or 30 times, the truthfulness of the book was revealed and I could not deny it. Now I must go and begin my work on designing the new and everlasting Zelphish temple. Even so, Amen.
Date & Time: Monday 15th of August 2005 09:23:24 PM
Name: Jozelph Smiff
Location: Parvo, Utah
Testimony: All theze grate testemonies give me hart burn, I mean a burning in my hart, a burning in my busum.
Now I know that the Book of Zelph is trur than when I knew it was relly tru evun befor.
All thoze who agree that Josh is a tru profete signify by a show of hands...all thoze appozed????
I dident think so.
Now I know all this is tru even further.
Why even vote? Who\'d have the guts to appoze all thats tru?
Josh is a tru profete and revlonator.
I dont know about yu guys, but I feel like donning my plain borin white shirt and hokee tie, getting on my trisickle, plasturing that nobodeez home smile on my face and evangulizin the wurld.
Date & Time: Friday 19th of August 2005 04:42:03 PM
Name: all knowing one
Location: everywhere
Testimony: God is constantly communicating with you. If you can hear her, turn up your hear-aid! That\'s not static. it\'s saying.zellphhh..zelph.. zzzzeellllph
Date & Time: Friday 19th of August 2005 07:01:53 PM
Name: your mamma!
Location: telephone booth
Testimony: So what commandment of Josh\'s couldn\'t you live?
I hope it doesn\'t take a tragedy to get you to repent.
You still know it\'s true!
I\'m so dissapointed in you. What\'s wrong with you?\"
I don\'t believe any of those anti-Zelph lies. The Book of Zelph is true and that makes the church true - don\'t make excuses.
I\'ve had too many spiritual experiences with the Book of Zelph to ever deny it.
When things get really hard in your life, you\'ll come back.
Date & Time: Monday 29th of August 2005 11:34:31 PM
Name: Anti-Anti-mormon
Location: California
Testimony: Must feel good to bing down someone else's religion.
Date & Time: Sunday 04th of September 2005 01:51:11 PM
Name: Sir feelsrealgood
Location: Babaylonian pleasure garden
Testimony: yes.. I cannot tell you how much I enjoy bashing anti anti mormons
Date & Time: Tuesday 06th of September 2005 07:37:06 PM
Name: Uppin' the anti
Location: California
Testimony: It only feels good if it leads you into using your God given mind and not being so gullible as to believe outlandish lies like the Garden of Eden is in Missouri, or a skeleton found by Joseph Smith was some guy named Zelph, or the Book of Abraham or the Book of Mormon which have no archaelogical basis is fact...simply because Joseph Smith said so. Then yes, that would make me feel good.
Cause then you'd be on your way from self-imposed darkness, just because you believe in man named Joseph Smith, and on your way to turning your heart and your head to the truth of God and His proven Word, your supposed Saviour, Jesus Christ.
Date & Time: Thursday 15th of September 2005 10:27:36 AM
Name: Jake
Location: toilet of toilets, armpit of armpits
Testimony: i dont understand why people get on here complaining about us bringing their religion down.. dont they see? their religion brought itself down, into long dark years of apostacy. Zelph is merely a restoration of the truth! i promise with all my soul, heart, and scrotum, nowhere else in the world can you find a logical explanation for the lack of semitic DNA in native americans. Only through Zelph. I know, cuz it changed my life, i stopped thinking logically, and began to understand that only when quakers live on the moon will i be redeemed. In the name of poopie pie, amen.
Date & Time: Thursday 15th of September 2005 10:28:14 AM
Name: Jake
Location: toilet of toilets, armpit of armpits
Testimony: i dont understand why people get on here complaining about us bringing their religion down.. dont they see? their religion brought itself down, into long dark years of apostacy. Zelph is merely a restoration of the truth! i promise with all my soul, heart, and scrotum, nowhere else in the world can you find a logical explanation for the lack of semitic DNA in native americans. Only through Zelph. I know, cuz it changed my life, i stopped thinking logically, and began to understand that only when quakers live on the moon will i be redeemed. In the name of poopie pie, amen.
Date & Time: Saturday 17th of September 2005 11:45:57 AM
Name: Lil Stevie Smith, age 4
Location: Testimony Meeting
Testimony: uhm, (a child is lifted by his mom, up towards a pulpit, sound of microphone being lowered to toddler level, slight static, then a breif humming sound, followed by the sound of whispered suggested sayings) uhm, I wuv my sister and my brufah, I wuv my pawents, I wuv the gospel and the choich, I know my hevny fadur wuvs me, and i know the book of zeff is true, uhm, (very quickly)name jesus christ amen.
Date & Time: Thursday 22nd of September 2005 01:29:27 PM
Name: Roberto
Location: Tennessee
Testimony: The Book of Zelph is one of those rare occasions where the sequal is actually better than the original. Seriously.
Date & Time: Wednesday 28th of September 2005 12:19:29 PM
Name: Donottaketheredpill
Location: Exmormon.com
Testimony: For it came to pass that I The red Pill did laugh out loud at the great webpage that Joe did create from the plates of leather that his father did create from thin air. And Therefore It came to pass that is was struck dumb by the great and abomitable chruch of Joe Smith. And it came to pass after reading zelph he has made me whole. For it came to pass, Yeah I was excedingly happy yeah.
Date & Time: Sunday 02nd of October 2005 12:57:19 AM
Name: Tyler
Location: Utah
Testimony: It is sad to me that the author of this website would mock such sacred things. And to quote things of that have never been said by those who were quoted. I hope nobody takes this serious.
Date & Time: Sunday 02nd of October 2005 01:04:18 PM
Name: Paying tithingmyway
Location: bathroom stall
Testimony: Yes ..underwear are indeed sacred things.. and so are golden idols on top of great works of architecture.. who cares if joe smith slept with other men's wives and underage girls.. (by which he died a real public execution).. and to mock that marvaleous work and wonder is really sad... sniff...
Date & Time: Tuesday 04th of October 2005 03:30:13 PM
Name: Joseph Smith, Jr.
Location: Polygamy paradise just left of Xenu
Testimony: "Emma, stop being such a bitch and let me stuff as many buxom teenagers that I can get my hands on." Thus saith the Lord.
Date & Time: Wednesday 05th of October 2005 06:01:55 PM
Name: Martin Banks
Location:
Testimony: As one of the four witnesses I would be remiss if I didn't add my own testimony of the truthfulness of this great and marvelous work. I have read this book 8 times now, and the more I read the Book of Zelph, the more true I know it is. Josh Anderson has brought forth this amazing record of real Indians who used to live on this continent for the benefit of this generation. I know this book is true with every fiber of my being. Please read this book and roll the dice on its truthfulness. You won't be sorry, I promise.
Date & Time: Friday 14th of October 2005 10:58:58 AM
Name: P. Hilton
Location: Paris
Testimony: As many of you know, I own a largest fleet of cruise ships in the world and I am so certain that the Book of Zelph is true that I make sure a copy of the Book of Zelph is in every cabin on every ship in the fleet. Many people who came aboard my ships for a pleasure cruise confessed to me that while watching the porn which I provide (for only $4.95 per day) picked up the Book of Zelph and couldn't put it down for the whole cruise. Many even took the book with them to the ships liquor bar to read while getting sauced. They then started to feel warm all over and got a buzzing in the bosom and then went into the ships casino to down a few more shots and then roll the dice according to Melph's promise and verily all of them were amazed and fell down upon the floor as if they were dead. The started to stink so the crew took them to their cabins for the night. When they awoke the next day they all confessed that they had seen Zelph and that they had the worst hangover that they had ever had. They all came to my suite and shouted with one voice, "Yea, verily we know that Zelph was a prophet and that the Book of Zelph is true. Josh Anderson is Zelph's chosen leader in this dispensation We further promise by before the angels and these witnesses that we will bury all our porn and alcohol in the ground even though we will continue to sell it in our stores. Amen.
I am grateful to be an instrument in the hands of Zelph by helping to convert many to the gospel of Zelph by keeping Book of Zelphs on my ships. It is strange how our company revenues drop when I bring souls to Zelph but I know that I one day I will stand on a mountain with beautiful feet and that will be enough for me.
Date & Time: Friday 14th of October 2005 10:59:09 AM
Name: P. Hilton
Location: Paris
Testimony: As many of you know, I own a largest fleet of cruise ships in the world and I am so certain that the Book of Zelph is true that I make sure a copy of the Book of Zelph is in every cabin on every ship in the fleet. Many people who came aboard my ships for a pleasure cruise confessed to me that while watching the porn which I provide (for only $4.95 per day) picked up the Book of Zelph and couldn't put it down for the whole cruise. Many even took the book with them to the ships liquor bar to read while getting sauced. They then started to feel warm all over and got a buzzing in the bosom and then went into the ships casino to down a few more shots and then roll the dice according to Melph's promise and verily all of them were amazed and fell down upon the floor as if they were dead. The started to stink so the crew took them to their cabins for the night. When they awoke the next day they all confessed that they had seen Zelph and that they had the worst hangover that they had ever had. They all came to my suite and shouted with one voice, "Yea, verily we know that Zelph was a prophet and that the Book of Zelph is true. Josh Anderson is Zelph's chosen leader in this dispensation We further promise by before the angels and these witnesses that we will bury all our porn and alcohol in the ground even though we will continue to sell it in our stores. Amen.
I am grateful to be an instrument in the hands of Zelph by helping to convert many to the gospel of Zelph by keeping Book of Zelphs on my ships. It is strange how our company revenues drop when I bring souls to Zelph but I know that I one day I will stand on a mountain with beautiful feet and that will be enough for me.
Date & Time: Wednesday 02nd of November 2005 01:25:28 AM
Name: CAPTAIN MORONI
Location: BOISE IDAHO
Testimony: YOU WILL BE PUNISHED FOR EVIL SPEAKING OF THE LORDS ANOINTED!!!!
I must admit at first I was very skeptical, but in time and with the help of much study, prayer, and dice rolling I have come to know the Book of Zelph to be true. Besides with all of the Anti-Zelph postings here on this site it just proves that the Book of Zelph is true! And that Josh Anderson is a true prophet! I would ask all of the detractors here; how could someone with a 5th grade education that works at Chuck-E-Cheese make something like this up? Think about it. It’s impossible; and that’s precisely why I know it’s true! Listen up all you mean spirited Anti-Zelph jerks out there. Why do you spend so much time tearing down the faith of others? Haven’t you got anything better to do? What SIN have you committed that will not allow you to roll the dice and find out the truth for yourself? You’re sins have darkened your minds. I would exhort you to REPENT and roll the dice, so that you too can enjoy the happiness that comes from living the gospel found in the book of Zelph.
Date & Time: Monday 07th of November 2005 02:11:09 PM
Name: Skeptic
Location: Arizona
Testimony: My first encounter with the book of Zelph came apponst my time in the hospital when I was diagnosed with skepticism. Now, as a believer in Zelph, I have more time to spend with my family, more money than I know what to do with, and a sports car with a name I can't pronounce. I never thought that signing up only three people under me would bear such amazing results. Thank you Zelph.
Date & Time: Monday 07th of November 2005 07:44:47 PM
Name: Gordon B. Hinckley
Location: Salt Lake City
Testimony: The Book of Zelph is a prophetic piece of work. It proves that the Book of Mormon is true. The Nephites were righteous and the opposition was evil. This book is evidence that the Book of Mormon is true. Well-done Josh! The lord will bless you as a true Prophet just as Joseph Smith was a true Prophet.
Date & Time: Thursday 10th of November 2005 12:37:48 PM
Name: Mormon "Scholar"
Location: BYU Department of Apologetics
Testimony: The Book of Zelph has come forth at a crucial time for the church. As the church struggles with DNA issues, lack of archeological evidence, etc, the Book of Zelph acts as a second witness to show the world that mormons aren't crazy for thinking these things. You see, there is another book with Nephites and Lamanites. We now know why the modern Lamanites have Asian DNA, because the Asian Whores drowned out the Israelite DNA by being whores with the Lamanites. The wors horse really was just a minor translation error as we now have proof the ancient americans rode deer and tapirs. The Book of Zelph should be requred readong for any mormon scholar.
Date & Time: Sunday 27th of November 2005 10:08:07 PM
Name: toweli
Location: south park
Testimony: wanna get high?
Date & Time: Friday 16th of December 2005 07:09:51 AM
Name: NERMORA
Location: HAMTON
Testimony: I Nermora Hamton do add utno the Book of Zelph
comming as an angel on the compture even before a computer is being born - year Behold I Nermora did hear from Paul in heaven After I being cursed with black skin do write a few words to the book of Zelph my Father who rejected me and word not let me write. For I encourage you who believe - take you a pillow and rub your penis on it - and be hold you shall see cum even as people have said in the churches the holy spirit is like spirm,
therefore enlighten yourself with this epistle for I bare witness that Every Kindered tonuge and people shall proclaim of its proceedings- farewell
Date & Time: Saturday 17th of December 2005 12:02:25 AM
Name: Joe C. Ah
Location: San Diego
Testimony: Working class of the world, unite! How much longer will we allow the elitist, spoiled, worthless, snobby, and foul smelling American aristicracy to rule over us? Boycott the Capitalist swine! Down with the free market!
Date & Time: Saturday 24th of December 2005 09:53:15 PM
Name: ray
Location: cafornia
Testimony: the auther(s) of this garbage would not know the truth if if it bite him or her probably "an it(s)" or "fag(s)", on their nasty smelling butt. I sugest you get yourself a Book of Mormon, read it and pray to God that he will forgive you for your blatant stupidity. And while you are reading the book of Mormon I recamend that you also read and compare it to the king james bible. I you are very lucky God will forgive and pure out a blessing that will include the knowledge that teh Book of Mormon came forth from God. Now get to work you have a lot of work to do repenting and reading. There is not not much time left for people like you.
Date & Time: Tuesday 27th of December 2005 11:52:22 AM
Name: Leonard
Location: 506 Walnut Street Dowagiac Michigian
Testimony: Hello, Praise be to thee - I believe in the Book of Zelph - and I wanted to know if you could send me the book in the mail if you can my adreess and such is 506 WALNUT STREET DOWAGIAC MICIGIAN 49047, because I am srating a new religion and I need that book so write to me this is a real adreess or anyone who has something similar to the work wirte to me, and I will accept any book other then the book of mormon
Date & Time: Thursday 05th of January 2006 10:43:30 PM
Name: Cartman
Location: South Park
Testimony: Even I think this is stupid....
Date & Time: Thursday 05th of January 2006 10:55:40 PM
Name: meyoff, Jack
Location: poopsville
Testimony: Guess what guys, it's already been done, but this is one of the best sites iv'e been to today. Very funny. Your like the moddern J.R.R Tolkein, He got his ideas for middle earth from the book of mormon too. I like your book, but I also like the book of mormon. There both good, but yours is fiction.
Date & Time: Friday 06th of January 2006 03:35:31 PM
Name: josh anderson
Location: my butt hole
Testimony: I know this crap is true cause I wrote it. I believe in anything, even the time the doctor told me I was a man, although I dont have a penis. Then the doctor touched me saying zelph over and over. Any way long story short, Im Gay ! In the name of my doctor...amen!
Date & Time: Friday 06th of January 2006 07:56:43 PM
Name: Theodore Nugent
Location: Detroit, Michigan
Testimony: I would like to bury my testimony that the Book of Zelph is the word of God and anyone who readeth the book and masturbateth not shall receive what is wanted through the veil by bowing his head and saying yes.
The Book of Zelph is true because the Smithsonian Institute and Americans for Tax Reform (Grover Norquist, president) have written letters saying so. The Church of Zelph of Latter-day Saints is the fastest growing church on the face of the earth.
Isaythesethingsinthenameofjesuschristamen.
Date & Time: Friday 06th of January 2006 08:06:25 PM
Name: The Kraut Pope
Location: Vatican City
Testimony: This is the best religious satire I have seen in a long time. The author deserves our thanks for being able to ridicule a major American religion in a creative, unique way.
Date & Time: Friday 06th of January 2006 08:11:44 PM
Name: Nominal Mormon
Location: Utah
Testimony: Websites like this must be having a huge impact on the LDS Church's efforts to recruit and retain members. I have to wonder if the prophet, seer, and revelator saw this coming.
I live in a new neighborhood in west Salt Lake Valley, and many of the families moving in tell the local ward people that they are not members and don't want to be bothered. However, about half of them really are members but were hoping to disconnect from the church when they moved to their new neighborhood.
Date & Time: Friday 06th of January 2006 09:48:55 PM
Name: the scarecrow
Location: just off the yellow brick road
Testimony: suck me josh anderson, that's right! I went there!
Date & Time: Friday 06th of January 2006 09:58:46 PM
Name: Micheal Jackson
Location: Never Land
Testimony: Hey Joshie, Long time no peekie. Guess I screwed you up big time. Nahahaha, get it? SCREWED.
Date & Time: Friday 06th of January 2006 10:06:54 PM
Name: Xena warrior princess
Location: not utah
Testimony: uuh humm, I killed Zelph back in the day. There for this crap is crap. AHHYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYA!
Date & Time: Saturday 07th of January 2006 12:26:58 AM
Name: Konggongula
Location: zifferu
Testimony: when I came flying out of the jungle that one stormy night there was HE yes he the one we shall not speek of cuz he is the one that touhes our boys and stays away from our girls, but yet we threw him off a cliff and was thinking he was dead, but we thought wrong, I walked in my suns room there he was banging my son!!!
so I grabed the basterd and shuved my foot up his ass but yet it seemed he loved it cuz he gave out a little giggle.
then I threw him out the window.
Date & Time: Saturday 07th of January 2006 12:29:43 AM
Name: josh anderson
Location: hehehehehehehe
Testimony: I pluck and shave my pewbs!!!!
Date & Time: Saturday 07th of January 2006 05:31:03 PM
Name: sdffbfsd
Location: sfbtbdff
Testimony: ggbgggffcdddssaqwdderffhhfgt
Date & Time: Wednesday 11th of January 2006 12:58:07 PM
Name: THE APOSTLE PETER TEACHER OF THE BOOK,
Location: HEAVEN VISITING EARTH TO COMMISSION
Testimony: In the name of the Father, son- and Holy Ghost and of the comming forth iof Joshua anderson I want to tell you how much interesting truth it is, that my eyes have seen the Box of Scripture which had the leather plates, in it tide to the Penuma.
I delcare then that I give heed to those who deny it. Those who deni it are manily those at WWW.THENEWNATIONOFISALM.COM
OR .ORG. Go and tell all of your people to make war with the man who calls himself the son of man, which he is not but a spirit of Anti-christ, which was spoken of in Melph 2:10. And book of Pomes 1:8. Now I would really like you to go to WWW.NEWNATIONOFISLAM.ORG
so you can destroy him for the better, and please publish the book of Zelph becaue I can only read but a few words. And if ye can I believe that there must come forth a religion from this, and I wanted to bare my testimony that the book is true; and I did role the disce and behold I did overcome the tempation of not believing it, with the number seven of the Dice, and it tells all men everywhere to read it and then take your penis, and thus move your penis on a pillow and you will find the seed of Zelph there. And it shall feel good and I hopest that Johusa Anderson does see this; and Knows that whatsoever things are honest pure, and of good report think on these things - and it shall be noticeable among all people nations tounges and tribles that Joshua Anderson shall have a Church called THE CHURCH OF OUR HEAVENLY FATHER OF THE OMEGA SAINTS WITH MORMON INTREST.
Date & Time: Wednesday 11th of January 2006 01:12:15 PM
Name: BROTHER JOHN
Location: THE CHURCH OF OUR HEAVENLY FATHER 3016
Testimony: READ THE BOOK AND THUS I TELL THEE TO MAKE IT, AND THEN TELL TELL THOSE WHO SAYS THEY WANT IT, YEA IN OTHER WORDS PUT YOUR BOOK ON STOCK IN YOUR CHURCH, USING THE MONEY WE GIVE UNTO YOU TO MAKE BOOKS FOR MANY BE THERE WHO ARE MAKING THINGS LIKE YOU DO; AND CAN ADD TO IT SO PLEASE WE BEG OF THEE LORD JESUS CONVICT JOSHUA ANDERSON TO MAKE THIS BOOK AND PUBLISH IT FOR HIS FOLLOWERS FOR IN OUR CHURCH WE CANNOT HAVE HEAR MANY COMPUTERS FOR OUR FOLLOWERS BECAUSE THEY BE KISSING AND LOOKEST AT PORN WHICH IS AGAINST YOUR TEACHING IS IT NOT? FOR IF IT BE ON THE COMPUTER OUR MINDS WILL GO SOMEWHERE ELSE SO MY BELOVED ONE OF THE CHURCH OF OUR HEAVENLY FATHER; I ASK OF THEE TO HAVE THIS NAME WHICH NO MAN HAS YET HAD; AND IT IS NOT HEAR TODAY; AND I WAS THERE WHEN YOU HAD SEEN MY AFFILCTIONS AND I DID READ VOLUME 2 OF THE HISTORY OF THE CHURCH; AND I DID SEEE THE GOLDEN BRASS AND PENUMA TIED TO IT; THE PENUMA MEANS INSPIRED. SO LET GOD CONVICT YOU TO TODAY; EVEN SHOWING A PICTURE OF YOU LIKE UNTO JESUS; FOR I HAVE NOT KNOWN YOU; BUT I DO KNOW THIS THAT YOU HAVE GRAYISH EYES DON'T YOU? AND BLACK SHORT HAIR, AND PINK LIPS, AND ARE A FAIR ONE RIGHT? THEREFORE WHERE A JAMES BOND TYPE CLOTHES AND HOLDING YOUR MANUSCRIPTES WITH LIGHTS AROUND ABOUT YOU; WITH ALSO YOU LOOKING LEFT; AND HAVING YOUR BOOK OR MANUSCRIPTS FACING YOUR LEFT WAY OF LOOKING AS TO GIVE IT TO SOMEONE. YET YOUR BODY; BEING FACED WHERE ONE CAN SEE YOUR CHEST; OR FRONT PART OF YOUR BODY; I DID SEE THIS IN A VISION AND I KNOW THAT IS HOW YOU LOOK. AND YOU SHOULD ALSO HAVE FAIR WOMEN HAVING ON READ CLOTHING HAFE ON AND WITH BUSHY BLOND HAIR; FOR I DID SEE THE VISION OF YOU SPEAKING TO ME AND SAID "HEAR TAKE UP THIS BOOK AND EAEST IT LIKE HONEY FOR IT IS GOOD; AND I DID EAT AND IT WAS LIKE MILK BUT SOUR UNTO MY SOUL.
Date & Time: Wednesday 11th of January 2006 01:16:32 PM
Name: YOMOR
Location:
Testimony: I AM A GUY, YET IF I DID SEE HIM I WOULD HAVE SEX WITH HIM AND SUCK HIS DICK BECAUSE HIS BOOK IS TRUE AND IT MAKES ME HONREY AND I DO NOT LIEKST IT.
Date & Time: Wednesday 11th of January 2006 01:18:57 PM
Name: MICHICAL JACKSON
Location: SOUTBEND
Testimony: YOU SHOULD CALL IT THE BOOK OF ELMORE; BECAUSE REMEMBER ACCORDING TO DOCTRINE AND COVENANTS
JOSEPH SMITH FIRST PUBLISHED THE BOOK AS THE BOOK OF LEHI AND THEN CHANGED IT TO THE BOOK OF MORMON; JUST A SUJESTION; BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE TO ME THAT THE BOOK OF ELMORE SUPPORTS WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DO; GET IT "ELMORE?" or EVERMORE.
Date & Time: Wednesday 11th of January 2006 01:52:32 PM
Name: Vill suck yodick
Location: Utah
Testimony: I want to suck your dick
Date & Time: Sunday 15th of January 2006 10:38:03 PM
Name: ice
Location: ice
Testimony: ice
Date & Time: Sunday 15th of January 2006 10:39:04 PM
Name: fire
Location: fire
Testimony: fire
Date & Time: Sunday 15th of January 2006 10:42:32 PM
Name: Rocky Anderson
Location: Federal Heights, SLC, UT
Testimony: Gosh, you are really sensetive to all cultures. I really want to support your website. I think it is cool when others make a mockery of what so many people struggled and died for. Yeah. I will make a website mocking a book of sacred scripture. I am one cool guy....
Date & Time: Monday 16th of January 2006 02:22:58 PM
Name: The Great White Dope
Location: Nowhere'sville
Testimony: Remember that time we made out? That was a "gay" ol' time! This website is made from the blood, sweat, and tears of an unfortunately mentally ill, emotionally unstable and yes... a little gay... moron! Even though some of it is pretty funny, how do you expect to ever land a decent guy if you spend all your time on this work of "greatness?" Idiot. I know that's not a complete sentence but... idiot!
Date & Time: Monday 16th of January 2006 02:33:34 PM
Name: Fizgig
Location: Dumpville
Testimony: I have a Q-tip stuck in my crack! My face is like duck! I can't even wait for steak! Oh, and spring! If I had a dollar you can dance a jig! Light up another one cause the cows are swollen and the sun's coming up on the cabbage farm! Let's pour one on the curb for the money makin playas that ain't wit us no mo! Give a man a fish and he'll probably drown... give him two fish and he'll live like royalty in the land 'o plenty for the rest of his days! Can't you smell the colors? They are like a deer with lice and there's nothing you can do about it because you can't help them if they don't want to helpthemselves quit smoking!
Date & Time: Monday 23rd of January 2006 11:20:35 AM
Name: Zelph
Location: CHURCH OF LIFE
Testimony: Dear Joshua Anderson you help suceed Moses, and was a help, therefore even as Joseph smith represented different Josephs in the Bible you should get a bible dictanary, and find all of the Joshuas in the bible and retanslate it with the strongs conclusive contordance of hebrew and greek and for each book of Joshua, or each joshua verse and saying you could translate the King James version into your own words. This is from THE CHURCH OF LIFE, I am not Zelph,
but a ex- mormon kinds man of mine as we were huging each other on the coch watching t.v. and laughing at south -park when they did a show with Joseph Smith
and Jesus and Budda and muhammed and all relgious founders I wish they had charlse T. Russle but he would of been fighting Jesus instead. Anyway I am a pastor at CHURCH OF LIVE, and I wanted to know if you could send me that book, I could be like how King James got the King James Bible and the Epistle of James was though in it but they did not carry the same meaning
at all. Because Iam going to be The King Zelph or Prince Zelph
and tell people at my Church that I found a book with my name on it. Send the book to 3016 Wood Wridge AVE.
Southbend, IN 466-15-3811 A Mexican
American Church of Life group
Date & Time: Monday 23rd of January 2006 11:20:46 AM
Name: Zelph
Location: CHURCH OF LIFE
Testimony: Dear Joshua Anderson you help suceed Moses, and was a help, therefore even as Joseph smith represented different Josephs in the Bible you should get a bible dictanary, and find all of the Joshuas in the bible and retanslate it with the strongs conclusive contordance of hebrew and greek and for each book of Joshua, or each joshua verse and saying you could translate the King James version into your own words. This is from THE CHURCH OF LIFE, I am not Zelph,
but a ex- mormon kinds man of mine as we were huging each other on the coch watching t.v. and laughing at south -park when they did a show with Joseph Smith
and Jesus and Budda and muhammed and all relgious founders I wish they had charlse T. Russle but he would of been fighting Jesus instead. Anyway I am a pastor at CHURCH OF LIVE, and I wanted to know if you could send me that book, I could be like how King James got the King James Bible and the Epistle of James was though in it but they did not carry the same meaning
at all. Because Iam going to be The King Zelph or Prince Zelph
and tell people at my Church that I found a book with my name on it. Send the book to 3016 Wood Wridge AVE.
Southbend, IN 466-15-3811 A Mexican
American Church of Life group
Date & Time: Monday 23rd of January 2006 11:27:07 AM
Name: LEONARD
Location: MCNEAL
Testimony: Joshua Anderson if you are hear, or if anyone is about to make a testimony which some of you are probably at work or school now. But I know Joshua Anderson is a high school drop out but iam not I wanted to know if you see this today write back, or if any one sees this please let me know Iam not the only one who found this please write and say hello or something to let me know someone is still esting on hear now. When you go to personal testinonies on your own web let me know. And Also Josh how long did it take you to make the book of Zelph or your friends if they are keeping watch say something on hear I want to tell you of a book.
Date & Time: Tuesday 24th of January 2006 10:49:06 AM
Name: hmero
Location: femwo nfg
Testimony: Dear Joshua andwerson i WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU COULD SAY SOMETHING ON THIS LINE ON PERSONAL TESTIMONIES BECAUSE I WANT OFO MCALL 1269-477-98-57
Date & Time: Friday 27th of January 2006 12:55:31 AM
Name: Jozelph Smiff
Location: Parvo, Utah
Testimony: I've red quit a few e-mails criticizin ar grate leder, Josh Andersun.
Mostly they say he is gay and then they giv exzamples of his gayness with such grate detail (oh oh I said tail, I hope those righters that accuze Josh of being gay dont get exzited) that it makes me wunder if they have first hand experiunz.
I mean come on guyz, Josh is a profete. He said so himself, just like Jozeph Smith. Can't you all jus accept that??
And it came to pass that it came to pass that the Book of Zelph was a tru testeemony of what Josh beleaves is tru. Just like the Book of Mormon, it's another testeemony...just not filled with so meny incredibal battlez, pretensis "and it came to passes" but it does have that old Englush feel to it, doez uze the word ado a few timez, as well az have quit a few anacrownizms in it just like the other inspired wurk the BOM...yah gotta admit that. It sounds right to me.
So all gays out there who accuz Josh of bein gay, be eazy on him and don't get exzited. I didnt mean in a gay way.
Josh is not gay, he'z a profete.
I say theze thingz cause there tru.
Date & Time: Tuesday 31st of January 2006 12:59:21 PM
Name: BOB SMITH
Location: ERWE
Testimony: Jesus christ came and died on the cross so that Josh Andwerson cOULD MAKE US LORDS. Because of Josh Anderson I came be like Yig Pig
and I know that when Josh Anderson was in his mother womb God caused him to publish this book one day according to this prophecy as a commandment 2007 yea for those who praise Tiger Lilly, and Melzph yea I did role the dice and it was the number 7 and yea I did get money to know about wwww. The Book of Zelph." Abd I do ask of thee Josh Anderson if you will allow us to make this book? I wwant pemission. Now ALL i know is that when Josh Anderson was 12 years of age he begin to question if he was gay or not. And he did not know if his gayness would change so he begin to question God. And God said "No, Gays do not exist," showing him diffent Scriptures
dances with whomever came to him and showed him scriptures but it was different from Our Bibles LEVTICUS 18:22-23 "YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BE LAYING WITH MAN, OR ATTRTIVE TO MEN AS WITH WOMEN.
I HATE THAT SIN DEARLY BUT I LOVE THE SINER.
Then he read to Josh Anderson Romans 1:20 "THEREFORE TAKING IN OF MAN WITH MAN, BEAT WITH BEAST LEAVING GOD AND GOING UNTO IDOALS IN WHICH YOU SHOULD NOT BE FORGIVEN BUT I TELL THEE THAT GOD LOVES YOU, AND YOU ARE WITH OUT MAKING BLAMES." And he read a scripture on that date
that says "Brethren if a man be overtaken in a fault, restore such a onein the spirit of meekness-considering thy self least thou also be temped." -GALATIANS 6:1 So Josh Anderson did as Paul said "To consider himself," and went On the evening of the . . . 2nd of May [2004] . . . I was sitting in bed, after a long shift at Chuck-E-Cheese's, reading The History of the Church Volume 2. While reading, I came upon a passage by Joseph Smith concerning the discovery of the remains of the great white Lamanite warrior named Zelph:
"The brethren procured a shovel and a hoe, and removing the earth to the depth of about one foot, discovered the skeleton of a man, almost entire, and between his ribs the stone point of a Lamanitish arrow, which evidently produced his death. Elder Burr Riggs retained the arrow. The contemplation of the scenery around us produced peculiar sensations in our bosoms: and subsequently the visions of the past being opened to my understanding by the Spirit of the Almighty, I discovered that the person whose skeleton was before us was a white Lamanite, a large, thick-set man, and a man of God. His name was Zelph.
"He was a warrior and chieftain under the great prophet Onandagus, who was known from the Hill Cumorah, or eastern sea to the Rocky mountains. The curse was taken from Zelph, or, at least, in part - one of his thigh bones was broken by a stone flung from a sling, while in battle, years before his death. He was killed in battle by the arrow found among his ribs, during the last great struggle of the Lamanites and Nephites."
This riveting story of Zelph excited my senses, and I had difficulty falling asleep. I opened my encyclopedia, volume 'Z', and looked for 'Zelph'...nothing. I finally laid down and went to sleep. That night I had the most vivid dream. I dreamt of Zelph, the mighty white Lamanite warrior doing battle with his Nephite enemies. As I watched them fight, Zelph chopped some guy's head off, then he suddenly turned to me and said, "Find the plates." I awoke in the middle of the night wondering what that meant. Find the plates? Maybe the dream was a sign that I needed to find some plates, just like Joseph Smith!
According to the History of the Church, Zelph's remains were found on the banks of the Illinois River, near Florence, IL in 1834. This was only about a two-hour drive away, and my Uncle Hank lived in Florence, so I could stay with him! I called my friends Martin, Kenny, Cody, and Rick and told them about Zelph and invited them to come with me to check out his final resting place. None of them were interested so I called my girlfriend, Becky, and asked her. She said it sounded exciting and romantic and agreed to accompany me on my voyage.
I was so excited. On the morning of May 4th, Becky and I started the drive to Zelph’s homeland. Becky drove while I read Zelph passages from the History of the Church, Volume 2. We arrived at my Uncle Hank’s house a little before noon. I asked my Uncle about Zelph. He had not heard of him, but he gave me a map and showed me the area that Joseph Smith and company traveled, and potential sites for the events described in the History of the Church.
Hank fed us lunch, and outfitted us with gear for our journey. We borrowed his canoe and traveled up the river. I felt as if the ghost of Zelph were guiding us. Becky kept trying to fool around, thinking we were on a romantic get away. I kept pushing her away because this was business not pleasure. This upset Becky. About an hour into our journey, I noticed a clearing. I knew it was the place. We pulled the canoe onto the bank and began searching. We searched all day but didn’t find Zelph’s grave or anything else. When it got dark, we went back to Uncle Hank’s house disappointed.
The next morning, I decided to go search on my own, without Becky. I went to the same clearing and searched a little further back into the woods. I came across a grove of trees and sat down to rest when I noticed two personages standing before me. They were both dressed like Indians, but one of them was a white guy, and the other was dark. They were both glowing like ghosts. The non-white guy motioned to the white guy and said, "This is my beloved dad, hear him."
I was confused, so I asked them, "How can you guys be related? You're not even the same race."
And the white guy spoke saying, "Behold, I am Zelph, son of Dances with Cureloms, a Nephite. And I did inherit my white skin from my father. And my son, Melph, who does also stand before thee, did inherit his dark skin from his mother, for I married a Lamanite woman named Tiger Lilly."
I was excited beyond belief! I went in search of Zelph's last resting place, and to search for the plates he mentioned in my dream, and I actually met Zelph himself, and even his son, Melph. We talked all morning for many hours. They finally told me that the plates were hidden in a nearby cave. They guided me to the side of a mountain, and an opening appeared, as if by magic. I gazed inside the cave, and saw a big wheelbarrow with some plates in it. The wheelbarrow was very old and rusty, but the plates were in perfect condition. Inside the wheelbarrow were a couple gold plates, some silver plates with jewels, bronze plates, steel plates, and a few stone tablets. I stood all amazed.
Zelph then spoke saying, "Takest not those plates, for they are exceedingly heavy. Besides, many of the gold plates are missing because Melph melted them down to make gold coins so he could buy things. Here, takest these instead."
Zelph handed me some grungy old leather plates, bound together to form a book, and he continued speaking, "These leather plates I hand thee are an abridgement of the plates ye beheld in that handcart. And I abridged them in a single, easy to read book, except for one thing that doth makest it not so easy to read, for it is written in reformed Asian, therefore, thou wilt need this." Zelph then tossed me a rock.
I caught the rock, and looked at it. It was a round rock, a couple inches in diameter, with a hole in the middle. "What is this?" I asked.
Zelph explained, "That is an ancient Asian magic translator rock, preserved from the time of the Asian whores, and handed down, to whosoever taketh over as translator of these works. And my father, Dances with Cureloms, did inherit it from Asian whores, and he gavest it unto me, and I did givest it unto my son, Melph. And now I do givest this rock unto thee, Josh, so ye shall bring forth these plates to the modern generation. For if ye write it, they will come."
"If I write it they will come?" I asked. "Write what? Who will come?"
And after I asked that question, the two personages disappeared, and I never saw them again. I was left with some leather plates, a rock, and a puzzle to solve. I concealed the leather plates in my bag, and rowed back to Uncle Hank’s house. It was still early and the house was quiet. I loaded the leather plates into the trunk of my car, locked the trunk and went inside.
I wanted to examine the plates, but I knew people would think I was crazy if I told them the story. Nobody could know the truth, at least not yet, not until I get my story straight. When I walked in, Hank and Becky were eating breakfast. “Where the hell did you go?” Becky asked. She was obviously angry that her romantic get away wasn't so romantic. She didn't expect to be eating breakfast with Uncle Hank.
“I went back to the place we were at yesterday. I still didn’t find anything. We should go home now.” I said.
“Sure, whatever.” Becky said, obviously pissed off.
When we returned home, I secretly built a wooden box to hide the leather plates in. I then secretly transported the plates to the box. I placed the plates inside the box, covered it with a tablecloth, and nailed the box shut.
Later that night, I started reading from the History of the Church and other church books trying to find any clues to this mystery. I read several passages that mentioned Joseph Smith using a seer stone to translate his gold plates. According to some witnesses, Joseph put his seer stone in his hat to translate his gold plates. I took the rock Zelph gave me out of my pocket and placed it inside my baseball cap. I then placed my face inside the hat, bringing the edges of the hat against my face to exclude the light. Suddenly words started to appear before me. I began reading the words one at a time, “And”…. “it”……. ”came”……….. ”to”……. ”pass.” I couldn’t believe it. Zelph's magic rock was working!! And Josh Anderson believes that Jesus is the Christ the son of God, and that all men through HIM [JOSH ANDERSON] Might be looking through his book as a religion as Joshua in the bible helped Moses so Josua Caries on the work of Joseph Smith June who brought forth the Book of Mormon- and concerning this book Josh said "I told my friends it is a real Good book."
-THE REVISED TESTIMONY OF JOSH ANDERSON-
FROM BOD SMITH COMPUTER TEACHER WHO FOUND THIS WEB PAGE AND STARTED THE CHURCH OF ZELPH
Date & Time: Tuesday 31st of January 2006 01:06:49 PM
Name: BOB SMITH
Location: ERWE
Testimony: Jesus christ came and died on the cross so that Josh Andwerson cOULD MAKE US LORDS. Because of Josh Anderson I came be like Yig Pig
and I know that when Josh Anderson was in his mother womb God caused him to publish this book one day according to this prophecy as a commandment 2007 yea for those who praise Tiger Lilly, and Melzph yea I did role the dice and it was the number 7 and yea I did get money to know about wwww. The Book of Zelph." Abd I do ask of thee Josh Anderson if you will allow us to make this book? I wwant pemission. Now ALL i know is that when Josh Anderson was 12 years of age he begin to question if he was gay or not. And he did not know if his gayness would change so he begin to question God. And God said "No, Gays do not exist," showing him diffent Scriptures
dances with whomever came to him and showed him scriptures but it was different from Our Bibles LEVTICUS 18:22-23 "YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BE LAYING WITH MAN, OR ATTRTIVE TO MEN AS WITH WOMEN.
I HATE THAT SIN DEARLY BUT I LOVE THE SINER.
Then he read to Josh Anderson Romans 1:20 "THEREFORE TAKING IN OF MAN WITH MAN, BEAT WITH BEAST LEAVING GOD AND GOING UNTO IDOALS IN WHICH YOU SHOULD NOT BE FORGIVEN BUT I TELL THEE THAT GOD LOVES YOU, AND YOU ARE WITH OUT MAKING BLAMES." And he read a scripture on that date
that says "Brethren if a man be overtaken in a fault, restore such a onein the spirit of meekness-considering thy self least thou also be temped." -GALATIANS 6:1 So Josh Anderson did as Paul said "To consider himself," and went On the evening of the . . . 2nd of May [2004] . . . I was sitting in bed, after a long shift at Chuck-E-Cheese's, reading The History of the Church Volume 2. While reading, I came upon a passage by Joseph Smith concerning the discovery of the remains of the great white Lamanite warrior named Zelph:
"The brethren procured a shovel and a hoe, and removing the earth to the depth of about one foot, discovered the skeleton of a man, almost entire, and between his ribs the stone point of a Lamanitish arrow, which evidently produced his death. Elder Burr Riggs retained the arrow. The contemplation of the scenery around us produced peculiar sensations in our bosoms: and subsequently the visions of the past being opened to my understanding by the Spirit of the Almighty, I discovered that the person whose skeleton was before us was a white Lamanite, a large, thick-set man, and a man of God. His name was Zelph.
"He was a warrior and chieftain under the great prophet Onandagus, who was known from the Hill Cumorah, or eastern sea to the Rocky mountains. The curse was taken from Zelph, or, at least, in part - one of his thigh bones was broken by a stone flung from a sling, while in battle, years before his death. He was killed in battle by the arrow found among his ribs, during the last great struggle of the Lamanites and Nephites."
This riveting story of Zelph excited my senses, and I had difficulty falling asleep. I opened my encyclopedia, volume 'Z', and looked for 'Zelph'...nothing. I finally laid down and went to sleep. That night I had the most vivid dream. I dreamt of Zelph, the mighty white Lamanite warrior doing battle with his Nephite enemies. As I watched them fight, Zelph chopped some guy's head off, then he suddenly turned to me and said, "Find the plates." I awoke in the middle of the night wondering what that meant. Find the plates? Maybe the dream was a sign that I needed to find some plates, just like Joseph Smith!
According to the History of the Church, Zelph's remains were found on the banks of the Illinois River, near Florence, IL in 1834. This was only about a two-hour drive away, and my Uncle Hank lived in Florence, so I could stay with him! I called my friends Martin, Kenny, Cody, and Rick and told them about Zelph and invited them to come with me to check out his final resting place. None of them were interested so I called my girlfriend, Becky, and asked her. She said it sounded exciting and romantic and agreed to accompany me on my voyage.
I was so excited. On the morning of May 4th, Becky and I started the drive to Zelph’s homeland. Becky drove while I read Zelph passages from the History of the Church, Volume 2. We arrived at my Uncle Hank’s house a little before noon. I asked my Uncle about Zelph. He had not heard of him, but he gave me a map and showed me the area that Joseph Smith and company traveled, and potential sites for the events described in the History of the Church.
Hank fed us lunch, and outfitted us with gear for our journey. We borrowed his canoe and traveled up the river. I felt as if the ghost of Zelph were guiding us. Becky kept trying to fool around, thinking we were on a romantic get away. I kept pushing her away because this was business not pleasure. This upset Becky. About an hour into our journey, I noticed a clearing. I knew it was the place. We pulled the canoe onto the bank and began searching. We searched all day but didn’t find Zelph’s grave or anything else. When it got dark, we went back to Uncle Hank’s house disappointed.
The next morning, I decided to go search on my own, without Becky. I went to the same clearing and searched a little further back into the woods. I came across a grove of trees and sat down to rest when I noticed two personages standing before me. They were both dressed like Indians, but one of them was a white guy, and the other was dark. They were both glowing like ghosts. The non-white guy motioned to the white guy and said, "This is my beloved dad, hear him."
I was confused, so I asked them, "How can you guys be related? You're not even the same race."
And the white guy spoke saying, "Behold, I am Zelph, son of Dances with Cureloms, a Nephite. And I did inherit my white skin from my father. And my son, Melph, who does also stand before thee, did inherit his dark skin from his mother, for I married a Lamanite woman named Tiger Lilly."
I was excited beyond belief! I went in search of Zelph's last resting place, and to search for the plates he mentioned in my dream, and I actually met Zelph himself, and even his son, Melph. We talked all morning for many hours. They finally told me that the plates were hidden in a nearby cave. They guided me to the side of a mountain, and an opening appeared, as if by magic. I gazed inside the cave, and saw a big wheelbarrow with some plates in it. The wheelbarrow was very old and rusty, but the plates were in perfect condition. Inside the wheelbarrow were a couple gold plates, some silver plates with jewels, bronze plates, steel plates, and a few stone tablets. I stood all amazed.
Zelph then spoke saying, "Takest not those plates, for they are exceedingly heavy. Besides, many of the gold plates are missing because Melph melted them down to make gold coins so he could buy things. Here, takest these instead."
Zelph handed me some grungy old leather plates, bound together to form a book, and he continued speaking, "These leather plates I hand thee are an abridgement of the plates ye beheld in that handcart. And I abridged them in a single, easy to read book, except for one thing that doth makest it not so easy to read, for it is written in reformed Asian, therefore, thou wilt need this." Zelph then tossed me a rock.
I caught the rock, and looked at it. It was a round rock, a couple inches in diameter, with a hole in the middle. "What is this?" I asked.
Zelph explained, "That is an ancient Asian magic translator rock, preserved from the time of the Asian whores, and handed down, to whosoever taketh over as translator of these works. And my father, Dances with Cureloms, did inherit it from Asian whores, and he gavest it unto me, and I did givest it unto my son, Melph. And now I do givest this rock unto thee, Josh, so ye shall bring forth these plates to the modern generation. For if ye write it, they will come."
"If I write it they will come?" I asked. "Write what? Who will come?"
And after I asked that question, the two personages disappeared, and I never saw them again. I was left with some leather plates, a rock, and a puzzle to solve. I concealed the leather plates in my bag, and rowed back to Uncle Hank’s house. It was still early and the house was quiet. I loaded the leather plates into the trunk of my car, locked the trunk and went inside.
I wanted to examine the plates, but I knew people would think I was crazy if I told them the story. Nobody could know the truth, at least not yet, not until I get my story straight. When I walked in, Hank and Becky were eating breakfast. “Where the hell did you go?” Becky asked. She was obviously angry that her romantic get away wasn't so romantic. She didn't expect to be eating breakfast with Uncle Hank.
“I went back to the place we were at yesterday. I still didn’t find anything. We should go home now.” I said.
“Sure, whatever.” Becky said, obviously pissed off.
When we returned home, I secretly built a wooden box to hide the leather plates in. I then secretly transported the plates to the box. I placed the plates inside the box, covered it with a tablecloth, and nailed the box shut.
Later that night, I started reading from the History of the Church and other church books trying to find any clues to this mystery. I read several passages that mentioned Joseph Smith using a seer stone to translate his gold plates. According to some witnesses, Joseph put his seer stone in his hat to translate his gold plates. I took the rock Zelph gave me out of my pocket and placed it inside my baseball cap. I then placed my face inside the hat, bringing the edges of the hat against my face to exclude the light. Suddenly words started to appear before me. I began reading the words one at a time, “And”…. “it”……. ”came”……….. ”to”……. ”pass.” I couldn’t believe it. Zelph's magic rock was working!! And Josh Anderson believes that Jesus is the Christ the son of God, and that all men through HIM [JOSH ANDERSON] Might be looking through his book as a religion as Joshua in the bible helped Moses so Josua Caries on the work of Joseph Smith June who brought forth the Book of Mormon- and concerning this book Josh said "I told my friends it is a real Good book."
-THE REVISED TESTIMONY OF JOSH ANDERSON-
FROM BOD SMITH COMPUTER TEACHER WHO FOUND THIS WEB PAGE AND STARTED THE CHURCH OF ZELPH
Date & Time: Thursday 02nd of February 2006 11:40:49 AM
Name: LEOPNAR
Location: WENOW
Testimony: WoW, Josh I just started reading the book of Zelp h and it is better then the book of Mormon for my head is not confused or nothing like that. It is much peaceful and I feel nearer to God. I had a vision that you would make many other books. Another revelation is called "THE HEART OF VOICES," Which will be a prolog to doctrine and covenants for your church. On another website or add that as sacred. P.S. Can you write to me on the testimony and tell me how to have a name like Mormon and Zelph for my book to speak concerning African trade and Americans,
who team up to destroy Mexicans and latter- are tempted to sleep with the same sex but are delievered? I know est thou art my savior.
Date & Time: Monday 06th of February 2006 10:43:08 AM
Name: WE
Location: FW
Testimony: I HATE NIGERS, REALLY BAD. SO IAM GOING TO PREACH THE BOOK OF ZELPH
Date & Time: Monday 06th of February 2006 10:43:50 AM
Name: WE
Location: FW
Testimony: JOSH IS A BITCH AND YOU SHOULD SUCK HIS DICK
Date & Time: Wednesday 15th of February 2006 12:59:21 PM
Name: minister Louis Farrakhan
Location: NATION OF ISLM. WWW, THE NEW NATION .COM
Testimony: Dear Joshua Anderson,
can you help me find an ideal of a name Like Mormon for my holy book?
And can you help me find a good name better then Mormon Jehovah's Witnesses, and such or give me an assignemnt with Names on it? So I can begin a work like you? I talked to an angle name Alomer and he told me about www. Book ofZelph.com and he told me to consult with you, and if I did not we would all be destroyed. All of us, and this is true. So I would that you try this spirit for every spirit that confess that Jesus Christ is the son of God, is of God. Well? Iam. So I confess Jesus as son of God, therefore help. My name is Leonard Daniel McNeal, you can write to me at 506 WALNUT STREET DOWAGIAC MICHIGAN 49047. By the Way this history is going to be about Mexicans and blacks who form something like the New Nation of Islam. This group also consist of the Laboanites, and the Simieonites which are the principal ancestors of the Mexicans who are like blacks, and it tells men what they must do to be saved, and it also speak of the comming of the destruction of america prophecying the Fall of buildings. It speaks also about the second comming of Christ in you, and it tells of the revelation of JESUS CHRIST, as revealed through a man named Josh. It is a splenor work to be publish of the Church of Zelph.
So please Iam not jiving I really nead a name, I've been praying and praying to bare the name. For I saw it in a book so please help me, please I tell you or we will be destroyed. Because it is ashame how all you white people get names. And I want to honour whihe people and make an Unkle Tom religion. However we will be against slavery but still praise an Unkle tom who has short blond hair, blue eyes and a white shirt. In other words the book will be about the lady that was on Good Times, who believed in a white Jesus and was against all nigers if you will who did not help soicety and believed Jesus was black. This planly is my teachings that Iam cursed and no fullers white sope can help me. Now you show me that Iam wrong? Iam I wrong. See I know how to brain wash you to make you do it, because you believe in a white man and I do to. So you do it now. because its not fair if you get to do it and we don't. If you don't do it, you will in your latter years be cursed with one black mark on your cheek. Believe me this will happen, you will be cuased and your friends shall not longer read your book. I am the only one hear bearing a testimony, Now I want you to think for a moment. Didn't you say in THE BOOK OF LABAN 1:25. And it came to pass that Lemuel did continue his story: And that be not all, for then does Nephi continue to teach from the brass plates. And he doth teach that thou shall not kill and thou shall not steal. And when he did teach these thing, I did raise my hand and sayest unto Nephi that he did steal the book that teaches thou shall not steal, and he doth killest Laban to get the book that doth teach thou shall not kill. And I spake unto him that I did find that fact exceedingly ironic. Then did I point and laugh at Nephi. And after I did point and laugh at him, Nephi became exceedingly angry with me, and cdid hastise me. Then did our father Lehi join Nephi in chastising me, and they accused me of desiring to stir up contention, which thing is of the devil. Then Nephi stood, and cast me out of the tent in the name of Jesus Christ, and I was humiliated in front of everyone, and none did stickest up for me, exceptest it be Laman, who did callest Nephi a hypocrite and did also leave the tent with me." Or are these mine own words, because you would be like Nephi if you do sometihng and findest a name, and therefore having found a name, like Jospeh Smith none knowing where he find it would be like saying what it says in the book of Zelph of Phil 3:8. And Nephi did agree to wait for me to return with the swords, and he did agree to not flee the land, and to stay and fight, and defend the people from the Zutite invaders, and he did order the women and children to hide in their teepees. Now you are disaproving yourself brother wrighting what God said, and then disowning it. You are worthless if you do not help me, someone is going to kill you one day if you do not help me find a name. O YOU ARE GOING TO WISH YOU NEVER HAD DONE THAT. And let me tell you something if you thank that Morni did not let joseph smith get away with it do you think I will let you get away with it? Because these are somethings that are going to happen to you. You are going to wake up one day, and your mother or father or relitives are going to kill you because you are in a pentecostal home doing Mormons. Or someone is going to convert to Pentecostal Church. Now say that Iam lying , that's happening now it's it. And all you other white people, who don't help us you are just a peace of Crap. You are defile and O so mad, you shall never make it into the peace of God, because your life is not in God's Hand Josh anderson has made you seem to be not true. Iam the Lord and Iam God. Iam the King of Kings and Lord of Lords nad the maker of days and the peaces of the days which makes it hard to seee because he speaks lies and roomers of life and lthe gheoaner . " DOCTRINE AND APOSTLES 1:4 A COMMENTARY ON THE BOOK OF ZELPH.
Date & Time: Wednesday 15th of February 2006 01:01:57 PM
Name: minister Louis Farrakhan
Location: NATION OF ISLM. WWW, THE NEW NATION .COM
Testimony: AND IF YOU SHALL BELIEVE THESE WORDS, JOSH SHALL NOT BELIEVE THESE WORDS;
FOR THEY ARE THE WORDS OF SATAN, AND THEY TEACHES ALL MEN TO DO BAD, AS TO MASTERBATION
LYING STEALING KILLING,
AND DESTRYONING YOUR LIFE WHICH MAKES THE MANTION E
Date & Time: Thursday 16th of February 2006 10:02:40 PM
Name: Leon, son of Zeon
Location: Bible Belt
Testimony: While in the midst of Chapter 5 of the Book of Zelph I felt a tremendous burning in my bosom and I knew the book to be a true translation of an ancient record translated by the Prophet Josh. Later, when I was having a triple bypass at UAB two personages, both of whom were exceedingly white and both naked and exceedingly well hung, appeared before me and one said "Listen to him" and the other said unto me, "The Book of Zelph is true. Those who do not believe it are an abomination in my sight. Get circumcised while you're here." And then the personages disappeared and when I awoke I felt even a greater burning in my bosom. I also got circumcised and my rod is part of my testimony now which I share with others.
Date & Time: Tuesday 21st of February 2006 09:06:45 AM
Name: COOLER TIME J.
Location: SOUTHBEND
Testimony: Surely I had been watching T.V. and did sees SpongBod on the 22 of Feburay, and yea it was their movie special Spongbad something I cannst not remember. And I had wenest to seepest,and did have the samest adventest that thou hadest, and I believest how they speakest Elizibethanest. And the Lord Jesus Said tell Jon Anderson to masterbate with a pillow, untilest sperm come out and keep doing it evest if it heartest and so as toest goest about; finding a name of a Churchest called THE CHURCH OF THE LORD'S SUPPEREST OF THE BRETHREN OF ANTI-SADOM SO ALL MEN EVERYWHERE WILL KNOW THAT YOU ARE A SON OF MAN. YOU WILL TEACH PEOPLE THESE DOCTRINES AS JESUS TOLD ME ONE "You are not a Christian? Like how the prophetest on trading house wife said it, and didst break every wound of their devil worshipers head. Taken from Melzph 2:4 and then you teach them the Trijan doctrine instead of Trinity to teach it from Dictonary of Mythologhty, and then you will also teach the revelation of Noes bleading for the Salvation of mankind, taking of the blood putting it in the cup,
and therefore having remision of sins. I cooler will continue giving word what God showed me in earler time. Thankest God that according to Z Timonty 4:5 Josh Anderson also fulfilled Acts 5:6 with the message of us being able to save the world through preaching of the Jesus of Zelphism. Yea I follow Zelphism which Josh told me in a dream before he even didst such I not knowing who he was yetest believest in him and thou trust it,
yea he doest make a book like Mormon doest and therefore is a Zelph which means AS jOSH calls it 'zipping
up,'' get it Zelph "Zelphi since in Zelph 4 :8 he quotes and thou knowest it. I will be your teacher for Josh Anderson my name is Cooler Time J. Writest down what I said. Evenest thou knows what the word of God in the Book of Zelph said that I thinnk these words will sum up with truth what this book is all about. It says in the Book of Zelph concerning these things The Book of Hores says "2. And it came to pass that I contributed little to these plates, as thou doth probably know. For many do probably scratch their heads and say: Behold, who is it that is named Bo?
3. And I know not what to say, exceptest to be happy, and livest a good life. - Book of Hores Chapter 10:2-3
Date & Time: Thursday 09th of March 2006 12:52:57 PM
Name: Doc
Location: Richmond, UT
Testimony: This is the funniest stuff I have ever read. I can't wait for the movie....ROFLOL
Date & Time: Sunday 12th of March 2006 05:27:31 PM
Name: Ghost of Joseph Smith
Location: http://www.myspace.com/velvet_joseph_smi
Testimony: Oh Zelph I remember the day I found your holly bones. No glad to see that you have made it to the world wide web.
Good luck
Date & Time: Sunday 19th of March 2006 04:26:32 PM
Name: yoni gonchin
Location: thepiscoleoyo
Testimony: es la mera neta. translation;it is true.
Date & Time: Friday 24th of March 2006 10:27:18 PM
Name: john
Location: prove
Testimony: The book of zelf must be true, because look at how people fight against it. If it was a lie they wouldn't care. John Anderson is a true prophet and he deserves all the women a prophet deserves.
Date & Time: Saturday 25th of March 2006 08:03:00 AM
Name: Enoch
Location: York Haven, PA
Testimony: I remember talking to Josh a few years ago when he was still in high school. He had some pretty far out stories, claimed he knew a cave where a ton of plates were near his house and needed me to come help me carry them out, and that the plates contained the lost 24 plates of Mahonri Moriancumer, and the sealed portion, I guess since those plates have already been translated 3-4 times by other nut jobs, then I at least give him credit for inventing something original.
It seems he put a lot of work into this, even using an old LDS website template.
So delusioned by his own testimony that he had to make up a story to back it up, which in the end is only going to hurt it more when he's ex-d for putting this on the net.
Save yourself the trouble Josh, don't go through all the crap I went through. Stop fantasizing, get a girlfriend, and find a new hobby.
Date & Time: Saturday 25th of March 2006 12:18:33 PM
Name: Lucifer
Location: Hell
Testimony: This book is True. It has convinced me to repent and change my ways. No more temtation in the world. I will persuade all men to do good. WOW!!! thankyou, thankyou
Date & Time: Tuesday 28th of March 2006 11:46:02 AM
Name: Donald E. Gosselin
Location: Pocatello, Id
Testimony: I'm a member of Community of Christ, when I first saw this web site I was willing to give it the benifit of the doubt. On further examination I see it's nothing more than a joke, worse than a joke, it belittles the Book of Mormon. All you have to do is read the other testimonies, to see this i saw listed in ther so called testimonies from Joseph Smith Jr, Paris Hilton, Ted Nugent, Satan, Gordon B Hinkley, and Elvis.
If the owner of this web site were honest, this is probably a front for a group like Through the maze, or Saints Alive in Jesus. I enjoy a good joke but this isn't funny, I owe my faith in Jesus Christ to the Book of Mormon. For shame sir, you need to aplogize for this prank in bad taste.
Date & Time: Wednesday 29th of March 2006 02:22:12 AM
Name: Clever Lee Witty
Location: "Wh"orem
Testimony: This is the absolute truth. I folded up my sacred underwear,placed them on my head, and stood on my head, using my underwear for padding...until I passed out. I then had a vision. In the vision I was told that if i repeated the magic words over and over and over and over and ....anyway....I was to repeat that the BOM was true and that the Book of Zelph was further "enlightenment". ...funny thing was, the more I said it, the more I believed it.
Date & Time: Wednesday 29th of March 2006 02:30:24 AM
Name: Donald E. Gosselin
Location: Pocatello, Id
Testimony: I changed my mind. This site is just plain funny. ...not overly funny, but just plain funny. I retract my previous statement that you should aplogize for this joke. Please forgive me for being a self-righteous, indignant scuzzy ball sack and requesting that you aplogize for your beliefs. I pray that you'll forgive me and I also pray that you'll pray for me...so that in the future, I won't be tempted to push my system of beliefs on other good and decent folk, ...such as yourself.
Again, please forgive me.
~Donald E. Gosselin
Date & Time: Wednesday 29th of March 2006 08:47:24 PM
Name: Layne
Location: Whoknows
Testimony: I know the book of Zelph to be the true word of whoever. I have payed the tything and prayed on the cover of the book for many nights. This is my testamony
Date & Time: Thursday 30th of March 2006 10:54:26 AM
Name: King Moron
Location: Adam-ondi-Ahman, Missouri
Testimony: And it came to pass as I was surfing the web, and it came to pass I saw this great work by the Prophet Seer and Revelator Josh Anderson, and it came to pass I read the Book of Zelph, and it came to pass I thought it may seem real but maybe not, and it came to pass I rolled the dice in a hat, and it came to pass I look in the hat and cover my face to keep out the light, and it came to pass the dice say book is true. And it came to pass I think "maybe just a dream or I am confused," and it came to pass an angel appear to me, and it came to pass I still am not sure about book, and it came to pass the angel say "ye be accursed," and it came to pass the angel point finger at me, and it came to pass a beam of light shoot me, and it came to pass he zap my skin red like injun. Thus it came to pass how I realize Book of Zelph is most correct book on earth. Amen.
Date & Time: Thursday 30th of March 2006 01:05:19 PM
Name: Christian Dad
Location: My Home
Testimony: It truly amazes and saddens me to see what lengths people will go through to put down another person's belief system. I'm sure Josh is proud of the work he has done to belittle and offend those who lives are benefitted by the Book of Mormon and it's teachings. I'm sure he is unconcerned with the bigotry and religious intolerance that websites like this promote. This "joke" is not even funny.
Date & Time: Thursday 30th of March 2006 02:23:51 PM
Name: Mike
Location: Anonymous
Testimony: I am sickened at many of the comments here. Why do so many people use this site to ridicule the LDS Faith? And on the other hand, why are faithful LDS attacking the Prophet Joshua Anderson? This website isn't a "joke". It isn't a "spoof". And the people on both sides are all getting it all wrong. The Book of Zelph is TRUE. I have Spiritual testimony for it just like the testimony I have for the Book of Mormon and the Bible. I rolled a 7 on the FIRST try. I was shocked, so I rolled again and guess what... a SEVEN. This is the same as Acts 1 with a drawing of lots to discern God's will. Same with the Urim and Thummim of the High Priest. Same with King David's divining chalice. I received the testimony of the Spirit for the Book of Mormon, but I get testimony from the Spirit for many trials in life and daily situations, and as well I received the testimony of the Spirit for the Book of Zelph.
God has sent the Prophet Joshua Anderson to restore all things in these last days. Thats the Truth. The Prophet Joseph Smith restored Christianity and opened a new dispensation yes, but tragically that dispensation closed after several apostasies within the LDS Church. The Prophet Joshua Anderson has now opened the final dispensation and has restored many important truths.
I participated in LDS Temple ceremony for many years, but had to cease because I came to realise the apostate Utah LDS Church had abandoned the most important practices. I now am forced to observe the original Faith in a true House of the Lord among brothers who believe the whole Truth.
Every time I open the pages of the Book of Zelph, my balls swell and my penis grows several inches. I can pleasure three or four women now with ease. Could it be any clearer that the Book of Zelph is restoring the doctrine of plural marriage in these last days? The apostate Utah LDS Church has abandoned this teaching and is therefore damned. LDS beware, if you do not seal more than one marriage in the temple, you WILL NOT be exalted. You WILL NOT inherit all that is your Father's in Heaven.
Likewise the Book of Zelph restores the correct understanding of dark skins... you know, like indians, niggers and japs. It is the result of CURSES. Ever wonder why nobody has ever seen a red angel, or a black angel, or a yellow angel? Red and yellow black and white, they are precious in his sight? No, white and delightsome is the original teaching restored through Joseph Smith but abandoned by the apostate Utah LDS Church.
This is not to say the average LDS faith is bad, no, they are much closer to truth than any other churches. But without the Book of Zelph, without God's restoration Prophet for these final days, they will continue to follow the false prophets of political correctness who have hijacked the Church of Jesus Christ. These will not be exalted to God, and their false prophets will go to outer darkness.
In the name of the restored Gospel,
Mike
Date & Time: Friday 31st of March 2006 12:39:33 PM
Name: Rob
Location:
Testimony: I rolled a four. LOL
Date & Time: Friday 31st of March 2006 01:55:00 PM
Name: beelzebub the greater, of II evils
Location: aw hell, you had to remind me
Testimony: wowsers, honey, grab yer glory drawers, we're going dancing, and drinking, and carousing at the House that my son Joseph built.
Date & Time: Friday 31st of March 2006 07:38:15 PM
Name: donald42@hotmail.com
Location: Pocatello, id
Testimony: this is the actual Donald Gosselin, the fact that someone felt the need to fake a message from me, shows that I must have struck a nerve, as the truth often does. If someone has a seerious answer what i said you can e-mail me
Date & Time: Monday 03rd of April 2006 01:41:02 PM
Name: Satan
Location: Outer Darkness AKA Heck
Testimony: Donnie boy, pull the stick out and learn to laugh. This website is obviously a parody.
Date & Time: Saturday 08th of April 2006 12:06:34 PM
Name: Trent Cutler
Location: Boise Idaho.
Testimony: I know that Zelph was the greatest white lamanite that ever lived and that through his example, I can become a good husband, and father of many children of God. I love Zelph with all of my heart and pee pee.
Date & Time: Monday 10th of April 2006 12:05:59 AM
Name: Harry Dschaak
Location: Rockland Idaho
Testimony:
I know that there is not a thing wrong with Josh or Martin or Cody or the Son of Abitch. I haven't read a single word of the Book, but I can tell you without any reservation that I know that if you just roll the dice, like Melph promises, (I used the huge fuzzy pair hanging from my friend Guchi's rearview mirror) that you will recieve the same witness that Josh did from Tiger Lily's "beloved" Son. I also closed my eyes and looked into my Seattle Seahawks hat and saw tiny holes that when I kinda blurred my eyes took me into a very happy place in my mind where I saw the cave and inside it I beheld the Holy Wheelbarrow full of various plates of different sizes and design, but all needed to be washed before they could be reused. I got the stinking impression the cave used to belong to a bachelor who hated to do dishes. I saw no silverware, but I did see a few chopsticks, which manifested to my soul that the Chinese were in ancient America and taught the kick-ass Lamanites some Kung-Fu. I awoke from my vision when my wife wacked me upside the head for humming into my hat, when she thought I was still mourning the Superbowl loss. When I related to her what I had seen in my vision, she scoffed at me and told me I couldn't get out of doing the dishes by making things up. (I knew right then, she was of the devil). I also have been able to visualize the Leather plates, and I can tell you that they are brown and the writing on them is of such curious workmanship, that I would need more than a magic stone from China to translate them, so I know of a surety that they must be legit. I also got a feel for Zelph's own spirit, and that he's glad Josh answered the call faithfully, and was not distracted by Becky the Romantic or her friend, but that he stayed the course and unlocked the mystery of the Greatest White Brown Guy that ever took an arrow in the side.
I say this in the name of the guy who's name I can't remember now, who was the first born Son of Abitch. Amén.
Date & Time: Thursday 20th of April 2006 09:42:52 AM
Name: Leonard Daniel McNeal
Location: 506 Walnut street Dowagiac Michigan
Testimony: addrees 49047. Hello there, brothers and siters in Zelph. This Book is better then the Book of Mormon. I want to bare another testimony, and I sure hope that Josh Anderson when he publishes the Book that he takes Off my First testimony which I messted up on, and I gave to much infomation, but anyway. I know that Josh Anderson had to make this Book by himself. He made it with no help at all. This books name is true. I finally found out what Zelph means.
Iam a Zelph, the world is Zelp. While moved by the HOLY SPIRIT OF GOD WHO SENT HIS ONE AND ONLY SON ON A CROSS FOR MY SINS, AND ALSO FOR THE SINS OF THE LAMMANITES. I was looking by the Urim and Thmmine and behold I saw a websigt for Chinesse names. So I Typed the Name ZELPH the prophet. And made a name and date and such. And the Word Zelph in chinesse its Character is ZHI which fits the actual account of ZELPH his name means "PURPOSE WILL DETERMINATION." Was not Zelph willing to be determined to do the Will of All Mighty God? And I ask you was not Dances With Comour a visitation? For Joshes Anderson Purpose? Since Joseph Smith never told what the Word Mormon means and where it came from. It is a lie, and therefore THE BOOK OF MORMON and I qoute in the Words of Josh Anderson "Since you need two testimonies to make something true. The Book of Zelph is one testimony that makes something true." - Ephasis mine.
However we must understand also that according to these out standing words that many have not stuided.
It says in THE BOOK OF ZELPH In the Book of Whoers chapter 11:4-8 I Quote 4. And I desire exceedingly for the plates to come forth to future generations so as they may learn the important lessons written upon them. And I do know not how they shall come forth, for they are buried in the ground, and unless thou art a worm, thou shall not read them. Wherefore, who shall knowest to dig in this spot for plates?
5. And it came to pass that I beheld a boulder nearby where I deposited the plates and translator rock, and I wrote words upon it, even a clue for the future person who shall seek for truth upon this mountain.
6. And the words I did write were: If thou seeketh wisdom and truth, yea, thou shouldest to dig twenty paces behind thee. And thou shouldest use the rock to translate the plates.
7. And I did engrave these words upon the boulder as a clue for the person who doth seek out wisdom and truth.
8. And now that I do deposit these plates, and the ancient magic Asian translator rock, and do writest the clue upon the boulder, yea, it is that my work hath completed. And I do now retire, and shall livest out the few remaining years of my life knowing the plates are safe. And I do finish all that I desire to say unto thee. Wherefore, goodbye." So this is another powerful comparable testiomy of THE PROPHET WHOERS. The Name does not matter but the Wisdom matters.
You know that is why Melph the prophet said in the Book of Zelph he said In the Book of Melph chapter 4: 8. And the messenger spake that Mormon had one final message to give unto the people, even did he say that the Nephites were defeated because of their disobedience, yea, even does he say the Nephites beat themselves, and he giveth not the Lamanites credit for the victory.
9. And the messenger spake to me more about the battle, and of Mormon's final words from the battlefield, for according to Mormon, even though the Lamanites did win, yea, we art still a dark and filthy people with the wrong religion. And Mormon spake, even in a loud voice, that the white Nephites of this land shall never be forgotten, for white is right, according to Mormon. And the messenger spake many more things which cannot be written.
10. And it came to pass that I was exceedingly angered at the words of Mormon, for his words are racist. Nevertheless, I was overcome with sadness for the Nephite people, for they were annihilated because of the final solution, which was an unjust act, and though their leaders be bad, yea, many Nephite people are good." So you know you people call yourselves followers of Josh Anderson but you don't read your Book of Zleph. You better read your Book of Zelph. In the mean time pray that Josh Anderson our Apostolic Father, would move upon us to make more Books and continuing revelations.
Write to me O Josh Anderson and tell me what you think. I was Kicked out of school, and I was moloseted. I tired to make a Book lIKE THE BOOK OF MORMON BUT I HAVE no name for it. So could you please Josh Anderson give me forth a name so that I may start me a sect similar? That you give and then write to me a 506 WALNUT STREET DOWAGIC MICHIGAN 49047. And if I can have a copy of the Book even if you print it out I will spread your message with a friend, and show that the Bible has a lot to do with it. And that the Bible therefore is true to go together with it. But I need the Book so Please o Josh Anderson please allow me to see the Book and place it at the adress given. Please because if you do not do this, you will be not doing this for Zelph. THE BOOK OF ZELPH NEEDS A WITNESS, AND if I can please write back to me as soon as prossble Apostle Josh Anderson. For Josh Anderson is an Apostle of YAHWEH
Date & Time: Saturday 22nd of April 2006 10:55:32 AM
Name: joroboam amenophenis
Location: 23802 hunter spring cir spring tx 77373
Testimony: starting may first,all donations of any kind,most of all money,will be recived at this new location.thanks a lot BB & SS.
Date & Time: Tuesday 25th of April 2006 10:05:30 AM
Name: Leonard D. McNeal
Location: 506 Walnut Street
Testimony: Josh Anderson accepted Jesus Christ as the Son of God, on May 14th 2005 while falling down at a Chuckie Cheese place, after eating a meal and watching those robts dances, and did pray to God that the robts would sing a Song About Zelph, And he Pleaded the blood of Jesus Christ, that by his strips he was healed.
Date & Time: Tuesday 25th of April 2006 10:14:54 AM
Name: NERMONW
Location: BEREFMONE
Testimony: Concerning the record of the Book of Zelph which is true. Josh Anderson stated "I Told my frioends that the Book of Zelph is a really good book." With these words in mind. I dare you to make a religion based on this faith. For it is not a raist group, and it is anti- Your Momma show, which cometh on every day, on channle 61. Yea and the truth shall set you free. If you have a Bible, in 2 Timothy 3:16 it says "All {Books) are inspired by God, and are benifical for reprof, doctrine, correction, and traing up in {good moral standard) that the man of God, (Josh anderon, may be thoughtly furnished in the word of Truth." Not only that, but the word of God also says according to the Book of Zelph. 2. And it came to pass that my father, being a good man, had in his possession certain brass plates, like unto these gold plates upon which this record is written, except it be that my father’s record was on brass, not gold. And these brass plates did have written upon them the record of the Jews, even like unto a Bible . _"THE HOLY BIBLE FROM THE COMPUTER CHURCH OF ZELPH. GO TO WWW.THEBIBLEZELPH.COM.
There you will see a refferecne form the Bible, and the Book of Zelph which my friends helped me, so we could share Zelphism around the world. Where for speaking in the spirit helds you to read the Book of Zelph and for you to see the revelation of the last and final prophet that it would come.
Date & Time: Tuesday 25th of April 2006 06:39:55 PM
Name: GORGE W. BUSH
Location: on vacation
Testimony: FUCK YOU ALL BICHES
i believe in this book!!!!!!!!!!!!
Date & Time: Tuesday 25th of April 2006 06:40:03 PM
Name: GORGE W. BUSH
Location: on vacation
Testimony: FUCK YOU ALL BICHES
i believe in this book!!!!!!!!!!!!
Date & Time: Wednesday 26th of April 2006 10:15:34 AM
Name: Gettin Some
Location: AH YES
Testimony: For men who want some new masterbation tips,
use a pillow, and get on a bed. Wait until you get real hard, then lie on your stomic with your penis, having your pillow like a woman, and fuck her. Make sure it is Polly ester.
And make a whole in it, and start rubbing on it up and down, pushing your penis down on it. For those of you, who has a tape recorer, for porn type. Record you a sex noise tape using a clean tape player, and record a Sex noise on Yahoo, under the word "Erection," with a man holding his hands up and a woman is yelling sexual noises. Then go to your room and began masterbating. This is a good one. And Also, you can masterbate as Long as you want to. You have to make words like, this while you are doing so "O you want this, yea, if feels good. If it would not kill me. O yes Iam going to, shit this thing, hurt my dick. Yea. (screa) and P.S. While no one is at home do it. Then
keep going. Firt cut the bottom part of your penis of the tip,
or rub on something that may tare it. not on a pice of wood. Then each day masterbate even when it hurts. And when it is healed. You will know your strengeth.
Check Book of Hores chapter 4:5-8 for reffercnes As soon as I Bear this, the person that says thank you for your testionies Gettin some
Tell me what you thank by bearing your own testimony for me to see, as if we are talking to each other.
Because Iam bord Iam a home by myself. And I don't go to school either. I know Josh is probly doing Zelph's Witnessings. Telling people about this website. But after me
somebody write back to let me know that someone is on hear also.
Date & Time: Wednesday 26th of April 2006 10:38:49 PM
Name: Donald Gosselin(...or SlimShadey??)
Location: I'm in Id....with the "real" D. Gosselin
Testimony: Donald Gosselin...
There was very little truth in your previous statement. ...some but not much. The church has done some good....just as much as the Catholic church or this church or that church.
So I suppose that the only thing that really "stings" my ass is that you feel a need to "defend the faith" everywhere you go. I suppose that I shouldn't be shocked. I mean, that's the pious nature of the mormon world. I would know, I used to be a mormon....and I still live deep in the western heart of hell. I suppose that you could call it the "Rocky Mormon" range. ...oh yeah,...I forgot, I live in Idaho...(I have an apartment on Kolob that I visit on the weekends....)
What really blows me away sir is that you came BACK to this site. You just had to see what if someone responded to you. ...(I didn't remember anything about this site until I visited the SalamanderSociety funny pages...)(...somehow that bears "testimony" that your here only to "defend the faith".)
Make you a deal sir