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Philippians grows up a Nephite. Finds the son of Abitch's poem scrolls in his father's basement. Philippians discovers clues hidden within the words of the son of Abitch's poems. He puts the pieces of the puzzle together, travels to the land of the Lamanites, and Mount Balsac, discovers the lost plates, gathers them up, and travels to the tribal village nearby.

CHAPTER 1

Philippians is a skilled chariot racer. Wins the annual chariot race with the help of a friendly Lamanite named Onandagus. Chariot racing is a dangerous sport. [About 320 A.D.]

1. And it came to pass that I, Philippians, shall commence engraving the account of my life upon these plates, even these plates of gold and other metals.

2. And I do taketh over as custodian of these most precious records, and shall append my own record to that of Laban the younger and the whores. And how I came to be in possession of these precious plates I shall now explain unto thee. And I shall begin writing the history of my life, even from the time of my youth.

3. And I shall commence my life story at age eighteen, for I could begin earlier, but it is that my childhood was uneventful, for I was a Nephite child and did the things Nephite children do, even boring things. Wherefore, at age eighteen I answered to the name Philippians, and all who did know me did callest me Phil for short. And I was a Nephite who had madeth the transition from youth to manhood, even by winning the annual chariot race.

4. And it came to pass that wars and rumors of wars exist upon the whole face of this land. For the Lamanites, and Nephites, and Zoramites, and Ishmaelites, and Korihorites, and all manner of -ites do contend one with another. And their exists a gang of lawless robbers and thieves, who swear allegience to no -ites, and who do follow after the lawlessness of Gadianton, and they do call themselves Gadianton robbers.

5. And many young boys, yea, even Lamanites, and Nephites, and Samites, and Zoramites, and all manner of -ite youth do thinketh the Gadianton robbers to be stylish, and desire to join their ranks, yea, even have many of my childhood friends been initiated into the secret Gadianton band of criminals, even by taking secret oaths, and being endowed in secret ceremonies, and learning secret handshakes.

6. And during this time of wars, and rumors of wars, and organized crime, and general lawlessness, the people did once a year put down their swords, and bows, and spears, and agreed to settle their differences in the arena. And chariot racers from all nations did compete one with another for the annual chariot race championship trophy.

7. And it came to pass that I have raced chariots from the age of fourteen, even was my father a chariot racer before me, and I do maketh my father proud because of my chariot racing skills.

8. And it came to pass that I did barely lose the chariot race the previous year, even when I was seventeen, and I did lose on a technicality after holding the championship trophy. For during the final stretch of the race, another racer named Xerusa, a wicked Nephite, who was a suspected member of the secret band called Gadianton robbers, pulled beside me on his chariot, and did attempt to slay me with his sword to giveth an advantage unto himself, even did he reach out his sword and attempt to smite off my head as his chariot cometh near mine.

9. And it came to pass that I was exceedingly angry, and did remove my sword and did deliver a counter strike. And my counter strike was perfect, and did remove Xerusa's head, which did fall to the ground in my path, and was trampled by my deer, Whitey.

10. But because the body of Xerusa fell not out of his chariot, but remained propped up, and because he was lighter without a head, yea, his deer pulled his chariot ahead of me, into first place, and he did cross the finish line ahead of me, despite being slain.

11. Nevertheless, the trophy was awarded unto me, for none can win the championship save it be they be alive, according to the judges. For slaying thy opponent during the race is a strategy amongst chariot racers, yea, even a legal strategy. Wherefore, I did hoist the trophy over my head in victory.

12. But yea, the wife of Xerusa did emerge from the crowd, and did challenge my victory. For according to the rule book, all that is required to win the race is to cross the finish line on thy chariot ahead of all other racers. And the rules say nothing of the racer needing be alive when he doth finish his race, so long as he crosses the finish line. And she accused the judges of interpreting their own rules and going not by the official book of rules.

13. And it came to pass that many in the crowd did belong to the secret society of Gadianton robbers, for the authorities had not the ability to fight the organization, and the Gadianton robbers did flaunt their numbers and influence. And many in the crowd yelled obscenities, and because the judges feared a riot, they did rule in favor of the wife of Xerusa, the Gadianton robber, and did taketh the trophy from me, and did giveth it unto her to accept on behalf of her dead husband.

14. And because I tasteth victory, and then had it taken from my grasp, behold, I desired exceedingly to win the trophy the following year.

15. And I trained exceedingly hard, even did I train my deer, whom I named Whitey, for my deer is exceedingly white and delightsome. And I did work Whitey hard, and we did train together, and afterwards I gavest unto Whitey much grass for him to eat.

16. And I built myself a fine chariot, even a chariot of the finest wood, and it had impressive gold trimmings, and was exceedingly fine to behold.

17. And it came to pass that during this time of my eighteenth year, yea, my father was sickly, even was he dying, for he did havest a disease. Nevertheless, he desired exceedingly to see me race, for I was his son, even his only son, and I do maketh him proud.

18. And it came to pass that the great and wonderful day did arrive, even the day of the chariot race. And all throughout the land did journey to the arena to witness the great chariot racers who shall compete one with another. Even did multitudes of Nephites, and Lamanites, and Zoramites, and Ishmaelites, and all manner of -ites, and even many Gadianton robbers did journey to the arena to witness the chariot race.

19. And I led Whitey to the starting line. And Whitey pulled me and my chariot, even my exceedingly beautiful chariot, into position, alongside the other chariot racers. And I gazed upon the crowd, and I beheld my father, even my sickly father who did maketh the trip, for nothing could stop him from seeing me compete. And my father slowly raised his hand to me, and did smile a weak smile. And I know he be proud of me, and doth love me, even do I know these things with every fiber of my being.

20. And I gazed down the starting line, even did I behold whom my competitors shall be. And I beheld many fine chariots being pulled by all manner of useful animals, even deer, and tapirs, and cureloms, and cumoms. For deer being the swiftest of animals are favored by some, nevertheless, they don't corner well, and scare easily. And tapirs being slower than deer, nevertheless, many racers prefer tapirs, for they are fierce competitors, and are exceedingly good at taking tight corners. And cureloms are also favored by some chariot racers, for they haveth amongst them a nasty temperament, and can cause violence to the animals of their competitors, even do they bite the ankles of deer and tapirs, which thing giveth them an advantage. And cureloms are slower than deer but faster than tapirs, nevertheless, they also take corners not well, like unto deer.

21. And all animals do haveth certain advantages and disadvantages to pulling chariots, save it be cumoms, which are an exceedingly bad animal for chariot racing, for they are slow, and not competitive, and cause not harm to the other animals. Nevertheless, because cumoms are exceedingly cheap animals, for they eat little because their slothfulness requires little food, and they require low maintenance, wherefore, some Lamanites, even the poorest of Lamanites, prefer cumoms as chariot pullers, and thus they lose always.

22. And there were many Nephites, and Lamanites, and also Gadianton robbers amongst the competitors. And the Gadianton robbers were renowned for their skills at chariot racing, for they conspire amongst one another, even with secret hand signals, and do work together against the other competitors, and do use violent tactics to eliminate all other competitors to ensure a Gadianton robber doth win the race. And I did think them to be my greatest threat to victory.

23. Thus I did train exceedingly hard and would be satisfied not with second place, for it was first place or no place, and none shall keepeth me from winning my trophy, nor shall they keepeth Whitey from running hard, for Whitey, being both swift and competitive, shall perish before losing.

24. And inasmuch as all the competitors did line up to race, yea, the announcer spake, even in a loud voice: Behold, on thy marks, get set, go.

25. And all the racers did whip their beasts of burden, and the deer and tapirs, and cureloms, and cumoms did move quickly from their starting line, and run down the race track.

26. And the rules of the chariot race are thus: The racetrack is a big circle within the arena, and all racers must go around the circle three times, and after the third time around, yea, the chariot that doth finish first is declared the winner.

27. And there shall be no rules governing conduct during the race, for all manner of methods may be used to give thyself an advantage over thy competitors, even can the competitors use weaponry to taketh the life of other competitors during the race, even to givest an advantage unto themselves, but not before or after the race can the competitors takest a life, for then shall it be murder.

28. And after the manner in which the race did start, Whitey did quickly move my chariot into first place. And Whitey did run hard, for he was a goodly deer, even was he swift.

29. And we did come upon the first turn in the race, and I did hear a voice behind me say, even in a loud voice: Behold, die Nephite!

30. And it came to pass that I turned my head and beheld a Gadianton robber, who did havest a spear. And he did throw the spear at me. But yea, it was that he was bad at spear chucking, for his spear did miss me, nevertheless, it did strike the side of my chariot.

31. And the Gadianton robber who did throweth the spear did use secret hand signals at another competitor, even another Gadianton robber who was racing with a curelom pulled chariot, and who did come behind me and shoot an arrow at my head. And I did duck, thus barely preserving my life.

32. And it came to pass that a Lamanite racer, who did havest a tapir to pull his chariot, and who did wear feathers on his head, did come upon the first Gadianton robber, even the one who did throw the spear, and the Lamanite with the feathers on his head did throw a tomahawk at the head of the Gadianton robber, and the tomahawk did stick in the head of the Gadianton robber, and the Gadianton robber did perish. And after the manner in which the Lamanite's tomahawk did slay him, the Gadianton robber tumbled from his chariot onto the racetrack.

33. And the slain body of the Gadianton robber did fall in the path of the second Gadianton robber. And the second Gadianton robber's chariot did hit the body of the first Gadianton robber, and his chariot did flip over, and he did fly out of it, like unto a rock from a catapult, and did land upon the ground. And a chariot from another competitor did come upon him, as he did lie on the ground, and the wheel of the chariot went between the Gadianton robber's legs, and did crush his stones, thus slaying him.

33. And thus the Lamanite racer had removed two Gadianton robbers from the race, and I did smile upon him, for he was a goodly Lamanite. Nevertheless, I desired to win, and did move my chariot ahead of him.

34. And it came to pass that Whitey did move so fast as to come upon the slowest of racers. For me and Whitey were in first place, and one lap ahead of the slowest racers, and did come upon the rear of many last place Lamanite racers who did havest cumoms as chariot pullers.

35. And I did try to move my chariot between the two last place Lamanites who did havest cumoms to pull their chariots, and when I did come between them, yea, they did move their chariots against me, and I was pinned between them. And after the manner in which they had me pinned, yea, they did each taketh out bows and arrows, and did aim at my head, for they desired to slay me.

36. And when they did release their arrows, yea, I did quickly duck, and because they were on either side of me, yea, their arrows did slay one another. And they did both fall from their chariots dead, and I looketh behind me, and beheld the Lamanite with the Tapir who did barely avoid running his chariot into the two dead Lamanite archers.

37. And it came to pass that the Lamanite with the Tapir was an exceedingly goodly racer, for when the racetrack did turn, yea, his tapir was exceedingly good at turns, but yea, Whitey was not good at turns, and the Lamanite did nearly overtake us. But yea, when we did hit the straight parts, Whitey did move us back into first place, for Whitey was exceedingly good at running straight.

38. And it came to pass that the race was nearly over, and I looketh back and beheld a Nephite who did havest a curelom to pull his chariot, and he came upon the Lamanite with the tapir, and the Nephite's curelom was exceedingly bad tempered, for it did bite at the legs of the tapir who did pull the chariot of the Lamanite.

39. And because I desired to win, I thought to ignore the Lamanite's dilemma, but yea, he was a goodly Lamanite, who did save me from the conspiracy of the Gadianton robbers. Wherefore, I removed my sword, and did turn and throw it, even did I throw it behind me.

40. And my sword did strike the curelom with the bad temperament, even did it strike the curelom in the face, and the curelom did fall, which did cause the Nephite chariot to flip sideways, and slide across the track, even with the Nephite inside. And the chariot did strike the side of the track, even exceedingly hard, and the impact did cause the Nephite's brains to splatter, even did his brains splatter exceedingly, and the splatter did land on many spectators in the front row. And I did feel bad for the death of the Nephite. Nevertheless, chariot racing is an exceedingly perilous sport, and he did sign a release statement before competing. And I did thinkest the Nephite was probably a secret Gadianton robber anyways.

41. And after the manner in which the Nephite did die, yea, Whitey did cross the finish line, and I did raise my arms in victory, for I did win, and me and Whitey were champions. And all in the crowd did cheer, save it be the Gadianton robbers, and even the Lamanites did cheer not, for the Lamanite racer did finish second. And even some of the Nephites were angered at me for slaying a fellow Nephite. Nevertheless, a few people cheered for me.

42. And because he was an exceedingly good challenger, and I did havest much respect for him, I desired to meet the Lamanite who did finish second, and even to meet his tapir, who did run hard.

43. And I came upon the Lamanite, and did offer my hand in fellowship and spake unto him: Behold, I am Philippians, but thou mayest to call me Phil. And I do congratulate thee on a good race, for thy tapir doth run like the wind, and thou art a worthy opponent. Wherefore, what is thy name for which I shall call thee.

44. And the Lamanite did answer: Verily behold, I am Onandagus, and thou art also a goodly racer. I desire to race thee again, even anytime, anyplace.

45. And I did reply: Behold, I may taketh thee up on thy challenge someday, but I know not where to find thee. What city doth thou dwell in.

46. And Onandagus replied: Behold, I am of no city, for I am of a tribe that hath no citizenship in any city, even a tribe without borders, for the land is to be shared by all. But if thou doth desire to visit in friendship, thou mayest to travel south, into the wilderness, and seek out a mountain that the locals call Mount Balsac. And in the valley below thou shalt see my people, for we dwell in teepees, and livest off the land. And if thou comest, thou shalt comest in peace, and we shall smoke a peace pipe together, and dance around the fire, and hunt buffalo, and exchange gifts, and my father shall give wise counsel unto thee, for he is the chief, and a wise man.

47. And after the manner in which Onandagus did speak these things, yea, I did find him exceedingly weird, even did I think his customs and beliefs to be exceedingly strange, and his people to be a peculiar people. And I did thank him, and smiled politely, and did pet his tapir upon the head, and after the manner in which I pretended to be polite, yea, I so desired to get far away from him.

48. And I received my trophy, and did journey back home with my father. And thus concludes the first chapter of my narrative.

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