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CHAPTER 2

Phil goes on a buffalo hunt with the tribal hunters. Kills many buffalo with his steel sword and chariot, saves many Chief Nephi-Lamanite hunters from the angry buffalo. Nephi names him official tribal teacher, and assigns him to teach the Chief Nephi-Lamanite tribe lessons from the plates and scrolls. Phil has sex with Fister. [About 323 A.D.]

1. And it came to pass that I, Phil, shall commence writing even more things upon these leather plates, even things that I thinketh are good. And many days did pass by, and many Lamanite customs did I learn from the Lamanite tribe of Nephi, who were not Nephites, but there leader was named Nephi. And I did learn things which I did think to be exceedingly good, for their's was a goodly lifestyle, for much peace and harmony doth exist here.

2. And because the tribe did follow their Chief who was named Nephi, and wherefore they were Nephites, but yea, they were not Nephites like unto regular Nephites, but were really Lamanites, yea, I did call the tribe Chief Nephi-Lamanites.

3. And it came to pass that the season of the buffalo hunt did commence, which thing doth mean it must needs be the tribal hunters track down and kill many buffalo to feed and clothe the tribe for the coming winter.

4. And I desired exceedingly to assist the tribal hunters in their buffalo hunt, for even my friend Onandagus did prepare to participate in the buffalo hunt. And I did plead unto Nephi, and bade him to let me go. And Nephi did sit and smoke a peace pipe with me, and he did ponder my request in his smoke-filled teepee, and after the time of smoking the peace pipe finished, yea, Nephi did agree to lettest me go on the buffalo hunt.

5. And it came to pass that I prepared Whitey and my chariot, and Onandagus did prepare his tapir and chariot, and many of the other hunters also had chariots. Nevertheless behold, some had not chariots, yea, but did ride on the backs of tapirs, and cureloms, and even did some hunters travel on foot, for they had no beast to carry them forth.

6. And all the Chief-Nephi Lamanite hunters did havest bows, and arrows, and spears, and clubs, and tomahawks, and even all manner of hunting weapons, and I did havest my steel sword. But yea, none amongst the tribal hunters did havest a steel sword, and many hunters beheld my steel sword and did covet it, for it was of fine craftsmanship, for my father did giveth it unto me as a birthday present three years ago, and it did havest a golden handle, and was built by Ecclesiastes who was a friend unto my father, yea, even Ecclesiastes the renowned Nephite blacksmith of Zarahemla. And my fine steel sword did make the crude clubs of my Chief Nephi-Lamanite hunter friends to look unappealing.

7. And it came to pass that we did travel for the space of many hours, and after the manner of traveling in the wilderness for many hours, yea, we did come upon a herd of buffalo in an open field. And Onandagus, who did lead the hunters, spake in a loud voice saying: Behold, hunters, attack the buffalo!

8. And after the manner in which Onandagus spake the command, yea, all the hunters did attack the buffalo with their chariots, and tapirs, and cureloms, and some even on foot. And they did throw spears and tomahawks at the buffalo, and did chase them with their chariots, and shoot at them with their arrows. And they did make mighty war cries with their mouths while they attacked the buffalo, even a noise that went: Woo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo!

9. And after the manner in which the buffalo beheld the hunters coming at them, yea, even attacking them, the buffalo did run all about. And one buffalo did turn and attack a Lamanite hunter who was on foot, and who did havest a tomahawk as a weapon. And the buffalo came upon him, and the hunter did attempt to slay the buffalo with his tomahawk, but wo, the buffalo did instead gore the poor Lamanite hunter to death.

10. And I beheld three buffalos who did conspire together to attack Onandagus's chariot. And they did charge and knock his chariot over. And Onandagus did hide within his chariot to spare his life from the murderous buffalo. And another buffalo did chase down another hunter, and did trample him to death. And two buffalo did gore a tapir, and knock the hunter to the ground, then did they commence goring the hunter, and the hunter did perish.

11. And I beheld many other buffalo chasing Lamanite hunters, and goring them to death, and trampling them under foot, and eating them, and knocking over chariots, and attacking our tapirs, and cureloms, and deer.

12. And I felt it must needs be that I come to the defense of my Lamanite brothers, for the buffalo have turned the tide of this battle, and were slaughtering the hunters, and our beasts of burden, yea, even were the buffalo winning.

13. And it came to pass that I unsheathed my steel sword, and commanded Whitey to carry me forth, into the thick of battle. And Whitey, being a brave deer, carried me into the midst of the buffalo herd.

14. And a buffalo came at me, even to slay me, and I smote off his head, thus killing him. And another buffalo came upon me from behind, and I turned and thrust my sword between his eyes, and he dropped to the ground dead.

15. And Whitey, being a swift deer, yea, even an exceedingly brave deer, pulled me and my chariot exceedingly fast through the battlefield. And as we went, I swung my sword at the buffalo who passed by my chariot, and smote off many legs of the buffalo, also did I smite of many buffalo heads. And I killed many buffalo, even scores of buffalo were slain with my steel sword. And when I reached the end of the field, yea, I turned my chariot around, and Whitey pulled me through the herd again, and I killed scores more buffalo with my steel sword.

16. And after the space of many minutes, the buffalo whom I had not yet killed beheld their fallen comrades, and beheld my sword stained with buffalo blood, and they trembled in fear of me and my sword, and I yelled the Lamanite war cry, even did I yell woo-oo-oo-oo at them. And after the manner in which I yelled, yea, the buffalo fled from me in order to spare their lives.

17. And the surviving Chief Nephi-Lamanite hunters did cheer exceedingly at my conquest, and I was a hero unto them, for I saved many lives from the onslaught of the angry buffalo, and killed scores of buffalo with my sword. And we did pack the dead buffalo upon chariots, and did return to the village.

18. And the people of the village beheld our buffalo, and were exceedingly grateful, for the scores of buffalo shall feed the village throughout the cold season, and the hides of the buffalo shall clothe the people.

19. And Onandagus did explain the battle unto the people, and he did speak of my heroics against the mighty buffalo herd. And the people desired to learn more, and they gathered round about me, and I spake the story of the buffalo hunt unto them.

20. And after the manner in which I taught the story of the buffalo hunt unto the Chief Nephi-Lamanite tribe, yea, Nephi bade me to come into his teepee. And we smoked a peace pipe together which thing doth always maketh me glad.

21. And Nephi did offer me a job within the tribe, even did he say I shall be the official tribal teacher, and shall teach the lessons upon the plates and scrolls unto the Chief Nephi-Lamanite people.

22. And it came to pass that I agreed to teach the things upon the plates to the tribe. And we smoked a peace pipe for the space of many hours. And after the time of smoking the peace pipe finished, yea, then did I stagger back to my teepee and fall asleep.

23. And I was awakened by a personage who did stand before me in my teepee, even an exceedingly white and delightsome personage. And I beheld it to be Fister, the white Lamanite girl of the tribe, who did stand naked before me. And though she be a teenager, her bosoms were like unto a grown woman, even were they like unto fresh melons. And I beheld her bosoms, and they were wondrous and marvelous. And Fister spake unto me saying she desired to know me, even to commit whoredoms unto me, and to giveth pleasure unto me as a reward for my successful buffalo hunt.

24. And it came to pass that I accepted her offer, and I knew Fister with my schlong, even did I fornicate her for the space of several minutes, and she partook of my man sauce, and afterwards we did fall asleep.

25. And thus concludes the second chapter, and I have even more things to say, even more of an account of my life, and I shall say those things in the next chapters.

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