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CHAPTER 1

Phil desires to learn more of Onandagus's culture. Travels to their village. Meets the father of Onandagus, ironically named Nephi, who is the chief, and wiseman of the tribe. Nephi doesn't want Phil to live amongst them for fear that other Lamanite tribes will seek him out in their village. Phil shows Nephi the plates and poems. Nephi lets him stay if he reads the poems and scrolls to him. Phil meets another Nephite dwelling amongst the Lamanite tribe of Nephi, a woman named Fister. [About 323 A.D.]

1. And it came to pass that after the manner in which I readeth the plates, even the metal and stone plates that I did dig up, yea, I loaded the plates upon my chariot, and journeyed to the village of Onandagus.

2. And because I desired not to be slain, for I knew not if the tribe of Onandagus doth seek to slay Nephites, yea, I tore a piece of rent from my shirt, even my white shirt, and I did wave it over my head as a sign that I come in peace.

3. And as I came upon the village, yea, even as Whitey pulled my chariot to the entrance to the village, I beheld a multitude of Lamanite children who did play. And the children had feathers in their hair, and did wear no shirt, just pants. And they were cute little Lamanites.

4. And after the space of only a few minutes, yea, Onandagus, even my chariot racing rival whom did cometh in second and who did havest a tapir to pull his chariot, and whom I now think to be my friend, yea, even he did emerge from the teepee in which he dwelt, and did greeteth me.

5. And Onandagus, being an exceedingly friendly Lamanite, spake unto me: Greetings, Philippians, for I am exceedingly happy to behold thee. Comest to my teepee so as we may smoke peace pipe together.

6. And Onandagus escorted me to his teepee, and we smoked a peace pipe together, and it was good. And we conversed one to another, and I spake unto him about the wars and contentions in the land. And Onandagus spake, saying that many Lamanites do join their brethren in battle, but yea, Onandagus's people are peace loving Lamanites, even are they from the Korihorite branch of Lamanites, and participate not in any war, and are neutral in the great war, and taketh no side. For the people of Onandagus's tribe, being an idle people, do prefer to spend their days relaxing, and smoking peace pipes, and dancing around the fire, and fornicating. And this doth makest many other Lamanite tribes angry at Onandagus's tribe, for they say thou art either with them or against them.

7. And I spake unto Onandagus, saying: Behold, Onandagus, thou shouldest to call me Phil, for that is my short name, and I participated in war, even did I kill many men, which thing doth make me exceedingly sorrowful, and I desire to fight no more, and to livest in peace. And I do also desire to smoke lots of peace pipes, yea, for the peace pipe we smoke doth havest an exceedingly pleasant effect upon me, but yea, the Nephites smoke not peace pipes, for the prophet hath spoken out against them. Nevertheless, I desire to ignore the counsel of the Nephite prophet, for peace pipes are exceedingly goodly.

8. And Onandagus spake unto me: Yea, Phil, it would be pleasing unto me to havest thee stay here, even to smoke peace pipes with me, for I thinkest thee a goodly Nephite, even art thou my friend. Nevertheless, we must go before my father, for my father, being the tribal chief, shall makest the final decision to let thee dwell amongst us or not.

9. And it came to pass that we journeyed to the teepee of the father of Onandagus, who was named Nephi, even Chief Nephi, which thing I think to be exceedingly strange, even peculiar, for he being a Lamanite and named Nephi was not right.

10. And after the manner in which Onandagus explained my request unto his father, yea, Chief Nephi the Lamanite spake unto me, saying: Greetings Philippians, it is that my son desires thee to stay here, for thou doth seek after peace, but wo, for all other Lamanites doth thirst after the blood of all Nephites, for this land is at war. Wherefore, if thou doth dwell amongst us, yea, thou shalt bring exceeding trouble upon this tribe, for many Lamanite tribes shall desire to kill thee, and shall annihilate my people for allowing thee to dwell amongst us.

11. And I spake unto Chief Nephi: Behold, thou can callest me Phil, for that is my short name. And I desire not to bring trouble unto thy people, wherefore, I shall leave and dwell in solitude. Nevertheless, I desire to know one thing before I depart thy fine village. Why doth thou haveth the name Nephi? For that name is used by Nephites, even hath there been many Nephites who doth havest the name Nephi, for a man named Nephi founded this land of promise many centuries ago, and is the name of many great Nephite prophets since, and even doth the word Nephite come from the name Nephi. But no person named Nephi have I known to be a Lamanite until now. Wherefore, I think it exceedingly strange for a Lamanite to havest the name Nephi. Is it that thou desires to be like unto the Nephites?

12. And Nephi spake unto me: Nay, Phil, my father did hate Nephites, even all Nephites did he hate with a vengeance. And my father thinketh naming his Lamanite son Nephi shall be an insult unto all Nephites, for he did taketh me to Zarahemla, and did show me to the people, and spake unto all the Nephites that I havest the name Nephi, yea, even did he say this thing in an attempt to stir up contention amongst the Nephite people. And it came to pass that he failed to stir up contention, for the Nephite people did care not that I was named Nephi, and they did instead say I was exceedingly cute, and desired to convert my father to their peculiar religion. Wherefore, my father did quickly leave Zarahemla, and did spend much time in his teepee smoking his peace pipe and pondering other ways to insult and offend the Nephites.

13. And I spake back at Nephi: Yea, but is this not a peace loving tribe? Why did thy father seek to insult and offend the Nephites, even to contend with them?

14. And Nephi answered: Behold, Phil, it is that it is only this generation that teaches this tribe shall be peace loving, for I teach peace unto my people. And my father, being not a smart man, did perish for his actions, yea, for the Nephites did finally tire of his actions, and did murder him after the last straw, for my father nameth his ass Captain Moroni, and my father did also nameth his female dog Alma, in an attempt to mock the Nephite prophets of old. And he did take Moroni the Ass and Alma the Bitch to Zarahemla, and mingled amongst the Nephites, and did parade them around the city, even with their nametags hanging around their necks.

15. And Nephi did continue his story: And after the manner in which my father did parade his animals around the city, and did point and laugh and mock the Nephite prophets exceedingly, yea, a mob came upon my father, and did stone him to death for the crime of mocking their prophets. And after the manner in which the Nephites did stone my father, yea, they did keep Captain Moroni the Ass and Alma the Bitch, excepteth they did give unto them new names, and did give them to new families. And after that incident, yea, the Nephite authorities came upon our village and spake that we must repent of our sins, or suffer the same fate as my father. And after I beheld my father's actions did backfire, and did cost him his life, and did bring contention to the tribe, yea, I desired peace, and thought to contend with the Nephites no more. And after the manner in which I did taketh over as tribal leader, yea, we did pack up and move to escape our persecutors, even did we move here, in the valley below Mount Balsac. And I do teach peace, and love, for I desire not war, nor contention.

16. And I replied: Behold, Nephi, I desire not to bringeth contention upon thy people, wherefore, I shall depart from thy village and dwell alone with my deer upon Mount Balsac. For I havest much to read and ponder, and I thinketh the mountain to be a place for a person in solitude to get much inspiration, even like the Lamanites of old who did dwell in this land and write many marvelous and wonderful things for this generation upon plates.

17. And it came to pass that after I spake these words unto Nephi, yea, I did turn to leave, and to dwell in solitude. But Nephi behooved me to stop, and he spake, saying: Behold, Phil, whatsoever doth thou speaketh of when thou doth speak of reading the things that the Lamanites of old did write upon plates?

18. And it came to pass that I explained unto Nephi the poems written upon scrolls, and the manner in which the clues encoded upon them lead me to the plates, even the Lamanite plates.

19. And after the manner in which I did explain these things unto Nephi, yea, his eyes grew exceedingly large, and he replied unto me: Behold, Phil, I desire exceedingly to see these things thou doth speak of, for I desire to learn of my forefathers, even of mine heritage, for I think often of my roots.

20. And I whistled for Whitey, and Whitey pulled my chariot to the front of Nephi's teepee, and I showed unto him the scrolls, and the plates that I did collect and store inside my chariot. And Nephi hefted the plates, and examined the scrolls. And I explained unto Nephi that the scrolls and plates were historical documents, even from the earliest Lamanite settlers. And I did read him an excerpt from the plates.

21. And it came to pass that after the manner in which I read the excerpt unto Nephi, yea, he desired exceedingly to read all the plates, but yea, he knew not how to read, for many Lamanites had not the gift of reading, nor writing, nor the gift of translation with a magic decoder rock

22. And I spake a deal unto Nephi, even did I say unto him to lettest me dwell amongst his people, and learn the customs of his people, and I shall read the words upon the plates and scrolls unto him.

23. And Nephi agreed unto my deal, and we did shake hands on it. And Nephi assigned unto me a teepee in which to dwell. And I gathered my supplies and unpacked into my teepee, even into my knew home.

24. And it came to pass that after I unpacked, a visitor arrived at my teepee, and my visitor was a teenage girl, and she was white, like unto a Nephite, and she was exceedingly delightsome to behold. And I spake at her: Behold, girl, who is it that thou are?

25. And the girl replied: Behold, I am Fister, and I come upon thee in fellowship.

26. And I spake back at Fister: Behold, Fister, I am Philippians, but thou mayest call me Phil. Why is it that thou art white, like unto me?

27. And Fister replied: Behold, Phil, I am of Nephite heritage, and long ago I lived up the river, with my Nephite family. And it came to pass that when I was a baby girl, the Zutite tribe, who are angry and violent Lamanites, came upon my people to slaughter and scalp us, but yea, my mother placed me in a basket and sent me down the river to preserve my life. And I floated many miles down the river, and came upon this tribe, even this peaceful Lamanite tribe of Nephi who oppose the violent Zutites. And the wife of Nephi discovered me in a basket in the river, and took me in as her own daughter, and named me Fister. And though my skin be white like unto a Nephite, nevertheless behold, I stand before thee and declare myself a proud Lamanite from the tribe of Chief Nephi.

28. And I replied: Behold, Fister, that is a great story. Wherefore, it is pleasing unto me to meet thee.

29. And Fister bade me good night, and I bade Fister goodnight. And I did sleep well in my new home, even in my teepee.

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