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CHAPTER 3

Nephite army leader, named Mormon, issues a Proclamation to the World challenging the Lamanite infidels to one final battle. Huge armies meet at the Hill Cumorah. Nephites are easily beaten. Mormon says the Nephites shall never be forgotten, and the Lamanites are a dark, and filthy people with dumb religions. He and twenty-four other survivors go into hiding. Lamanite leaders produce a deck of cards for the most wanted Nephites. Mormon is the ace. Lamanites destroy all remnants of Nephite culture. Melph decides the final solution was an immoral act. All but one of the missing twenty-four are captured and executed. A fight breaks out in the casino. Lamanites begin contending one with another. Tiger Lilly dies of old age. [Between 385 and 400 A.D.]

1. And now I Melph waxed strong at work, even did I endeavor exceedingly hard to havest a good casino, even a profitable casino. And many Lamanites do come to my casino, and gamble much gold, and silver, and precious things, which doth maketh my casino exceedingly profitable.

2. Now it came to pass that the leader of the Nephite army was named Mormon, and he was the most wanted of all the Nephites, for he doth always rally his people to fight the Lamanite soldiers, even is he the leader of the Nephite insurgents, and he is a thorn in the side of the Lamanite leaders.

3. And it came to pass that Mormon sent a message to the Lamanite King, yea, even did he issue a Proclamation to the World. And the Proclamation sayeth that the Lamanites are a dark and filthy race of infidels, even are we led by a mean ghost named Satan. And the Proclamation called upon all Nephites to repent of their sins and defeat the wicked Lamanite infidels. And the Proclamation issued a challenge to the Lamanites for one final battle, yea, even shall it be winner takes all, and all who desire to fight shall meet at the Hill Cumorah in one week.

4. Now Mormon's Proclamation to the World did cause the Lamanite King to have much anger. Wherefore, the Lamanite King accepted Mormon's challenge. And the Lamanite soldiers did march for one last battle, even the war to end all wars. And I served an exceeding number of drinks to hundreds of Lamanite soldiers before battle, yea, even thousands of soldiers, and even millions, for they entereth my casino for one last final night of entertainment, and drink, and gambling.

5. And after the manner of eating, and drinking, and being merry did cease, yea, the millions of soldiers commenced the journey up the narrow neck of land, on their way to the final battle, even the mother of all wars.

6. And it came to pass that I did eagerly await word from the battlefield. And after the manner of only a few days, yea, a messenger delivered himself back to the Lamanite lands. And the messenger spake that the Lamanites were victorious, yea, even was it an easy battle.

7. And the messenger spake unto me that the Lamanites defeated the Nephites because of their advanced weaponry, and all but a few Nephites were slain in battle.

8. And the messenger spake that Mormon had one final message to give unto the people, even did he say that the Nephites were defeated because of their disobedience, yea, even does he say the Nephites beat themselves, and he giveth not the Lamanites credit for the victory.

9. And the messenger spake to me more about the battle, and of Mormon's final words from the battlefield, for according to Mormon, even though the Lamanites did win, yea, we art still a dark and filthy people with the wrong religion. And Mormon spake, even in a loud voice, that the white Nephites of this land shall never be forgotten, for white is right, according to Mormon. And the messenger spake many more things which cannot be written.

10. And it came to pass that I was exceedingly angered at the words of Mormon, for his words are racist. Nevertheless, I was overcome with sadness for the Nephite people, for they were annihilated because of the final solution, which was an unjust act, and though their leaders be bad, yea, many Nephite people are good.

11. And I spake unto the messenger: Behold, so no Nephites remain, yea, even is the final solution complete?

12. And the Lamanite replied: Nay, for their remain twenty-and-four Nephites who did escape justice, yea, even the leader Mormon escaped after issuing his final insults, and also Moroni, the son of Mormon, did also escape from the battlefield, as did twenty-two others. And the twenty-and-four fugitives did split up, and hide.

13. And it came to pass that after the manner in which the messenger spake the story of the final battle unto me, yea, the Lamanite soldiers did begin arriving in my casino. And the Lamanite soldiers had much loud laughter, and did slap one another on the back, and did give one another high fives, for they were victorious, and they did lose few comrades, and desired exceedingly to celebrate victory.

14. And the Lamanite soldiers drank much wine, and other strong drink, and they did gamble exceedingly, and my mother performed magic for them, and we did havest an exceedingly fun party, even did we dance, for we do think the wars have ended, and peace shall commence throughout the land, and we shall no more behold Nephites wandering about the land speaking of their peculiar beliefs.

15. And it came to pass that after a week of celebrations, yea, many Lamanite soldiers do remain in my casino, and do continue to drink and gamble, yea, and many do also smoke peace pipes, for the Lamanites, being an idle people, do prefer spending exceeding time gambling and drinking in casinos rather than tending the flocks, and the crops, and doing other chores.

16. And it came to pass that two Lamanites did contend one with another in my casino, yea, for one Lamanite issued an accusation unto another Lamanite, even did he accuse the other of cheating at cards, and did chastise him. And the other Lamanite did chastise the first for his accusation. And the two Lamanites spake much profanity one to another, and after the manner of using profanity, yea, they did commence fighting, yea, even did they exchange blows.

17. And the comrades of the Lamanite who did cheat came to his defense. And the comrades of the Lamanite who did accuse did come unto his defense. And the two sides commences a group fight, and all within my casino commenced fighting one with another.

18. And exceeding chaos did exist within the casino during the time of the group fight, and I could restore peace not, for I had not the man power to keep the peace in my casino.

19. And it came to pass that many tables were turned over, and drinks were thrown, and one Lamanite did throw another through the window, and I learned that peace shall not remain in this land, for though the Nephites be exterminated, behold, the Lamanites contend one with another, and shall soon divide into tribes, and have wars and contentions.

20. And after the manner in which the fight ceased, yea, I ordered all Lamanite soldiers out of my casino, and I did lock the doors and commenced cleaning up the mess.

21. And it came to pass that many years did pass, and I did occasionally have a big fight in my casino, but I did also havest goodly customers too, and I did earn a goodly living, and did lead a happy life.

22. And it came to pass that the Lamanite King sent an epistle throughout the land, for he desired to capture and execute the twenty-and-four Nephites whom did escape the battlefield.

23. And because the Lamanites gamble exceedingly, for the popularity of my casino doth maketh the Lamanites a casino culture, yea, the Lamanite King did issue a deck of twenty-four cards, like unto casino cards, and he draweth the faces of each of the twenty-four fugitive Nephites upon each of the cards.

24. And it came to pass that Mormon was the ace of spades, and his son, Moroni, was the king of spades. And the twenty-and-four fugitives were wanted dead or alive.

25. And the Lamanite King did offer an exceedingly good reward for their capture. And I lamented the Nephite nation, for though I think their leaders be wrong, and lead them down the wrong path, and they be racist for thinking white skin be the best skin color, yea, and even though they havest peculiar beliefs, the Nephite people were mostly goodly people, and deserved not genocide.

26. And because of the things my father did teach unto me, yea, I have exceeding distrust for my leaders, for they fabricated this war through trickery and beguilement. Wherefore, I shall sustain not the Lamanite King nor the Lamanite leadership. For I shall be independent, and liveth my own life, in my casino with my mother.

27. And it came to pass that many years did pass, and many of the Nephite Twenty-Four were captured, and executed, yea, even was the ace of spades, yea, even Mormon, captured, and he was executed for his racism.

28. And the Lamanite King ordered the Lamanite army to the land northward to prepare the former Nephite lands for the Lamanite takeover. And it must needs be that the Nephite culture, being an exceedingly dumb culture, should be utterly destroyed. Wherefore, the Lamanite army destroyed all remnants of the Nephite people, even their bones, and clothes, and even did they destroy all manner of Nephite buildings, and churches, and livestock, and furniture, and pottery, and art, and steel swords, and crops, and chariots, and even all manner of Nephite culture and possessions were destroyed and thrown into the sea.

29. And after the manner in which all remnants of the Nephite culture was destroyed, and tossed into the sea, yea, the final solution was complete, for none shall know the Nephites did ever exist, yea, even shall future generations know not of the Nephites.

30. And it came to pass that many Lamanites desired to live in peace, and wherefore did return to their home lands, and teepees, and formed peaceful tribes that desired to smoke peace pipes, and sit on blankets, and hunt buffalo, and do the rain dance, and liveth the simple life.

31. Nevertheless, many Lamanites were consumed with greed and hatred, and these Lamanites contended one with another for the new Nephite lands in the land northward. And these angry Lamanites formed into competing bands, and violent, warmonger tribes, and did wage battle one with another for the best Nephite lands.

32. And the battle for the Nephite lands was fierce, and many Lamanites did die. And the Lamanite King sent an army to the land northward to settle the disputes, but yea, violence broke out, and many soldiers of the Lamanite King perished, and the Lamanite King was powerless to stop the wars and contentions amongst the Lamanite people.

33. And it came to pass that soon after the Lamanite King gave up the ghost, yea, even did he die of old age, and had not an heir to the throne. And the Lamanites divided even more into factions, and there was no king over all the tribes, yea, but the tribes did havest their own chiefs, and did fight for their own land.

34. And soon the Lamanites spake no more of the Nephites, for all of the Nephite twenty-and-four were discovered and executed save it be one, yea, for Moroni was never found, nevertheless, many do presume him dead.

35. And thus in the commencement of the year four-hundred, yea, I doth still operate my casino business, but yea, my mother perished from old age, and I mourned exceedingly, for my mother was an exceedingly goodly mother. And I buried her behind my casino, yea, even next to my father, her one true love.

36. And because my mother be dead, yea, I had not a person to perform magic. And because many come unto my casino to behold the magic shows, behold, it is wisdom in me that I quickly find a replacement for my mother, for if I do not, I shall lose much business, and my casino shall no longer be profitable.

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