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CHAPTER 5

Laban exposes Nephi's crimes to his followers. Nephi and Laban duel. Laban is killed.  [The late 580s B.C.]

1. And I, Yi Ping, shall write some more things that I thinketh it to be good for thou to know about the events leading up to this day. For I did end the last chapter on a cliffhanger; for it was that Nephi did discover Laban had infiltrated his camp disguised as a woman, and Nephi did expose Laban by cutting off his dress disguise.

2. And I do write these things upon plates, yea, even plates of gold, yea, even as Laban desired.

3. And it came to pass that after the manner by which Nephi was discovered, the crowd did gasp, for they did see that Prudence was really a man in disguise.

4. But Nephi, who doth have the gift of discernment, gasped not, for he was surprised not.

5. And Nephi spake unto Laban saying: Behold, Laban, nice try. For Sam spakest unto me and tellest me that thou art here. Did ye really thinkest that I would fall for thy mysterious woman of the woods trickery? For the lord hath spoken unto my father, and hath declared this land a land of promise. And it hath been preserved for us, and kept from the knowledge of all other nations. Therefore, no other people doth dwell here exceptest those who traveled from Jerusalem.

6. And Laban replied unto Nephi: Thou hath grown arrogant in thy power, Nephi. For how is it that thou knowest there be no other inhabitants of this land? For when we did arrive upon this land, I did sit on the beach and beheld the shoreline did disappear into the horizon. And we did wander in the wilderness, and did climb many mountains, and beheld a vast land that hath no end in sight. And I see not how ye can claim no other inhabitants. For it would take many months, yea, even many years to survey this land so as to make such a determination.

7. But Nephi did stick to his claims: Nay Laban, this land is empty, save it be for us and the animals that doth dwell here, even the deer, and tapirs, and buffalo, and cureloms, and cumons. For the Lord did preserve this land for a righteous people, which people are us, yea, except for thee and thy little band of whores and hoodlums whom doth pollute this land with thy unrighteousness.

8. And Lemuel did stand and address the multitude of people: Behold, Nephi doth think he be so smart, but what of all the trees in this land that Nephi says is supposes to be empty. If it is that no other people doth dwell here, who did plant the trees? Huh? Yea, Nephi, answer me that.

9. And Lemuel did stare at Nephi as he awaited an answer to his challenge. And after a couple seconds of silence, yea, many in the multitude did laugh at Lemuel, yea, even with much loud laughter, and many did point at Lemuel when they did laugh.

10. And Nephi spake unto Lemuel: Behold, brother, it is that thou art not the brightest amongst us. Wherefore, I do advise ye that if it is that thou want not to lookest like a fool, it is best that ye keep thy mouth shut.

11. And it came to pass that Lemuel did look upon the multitude of people and beheld them laughing and pointing at him. And he did lookest upon his beloved brother, Laman, who was an idol unto him, and he beheld that Laman was embarrassed for him, and ashamed to be his brother. And it came to pass that Lemuel did sit down, and begin to sob.

12. And Laban chastised Nephi for treating Lemuel that way: Behold Nephi, thou hath made thy brother to cry.

13. And Nephi replied: Laban, it is you who did teach unto me that I should get self esteem so as I could get revenge upon my elder brothers, for do ye not remember how they did treat me in my youth? I am now stronger than them, thanks to thy training. Also am I more intelligent than them, and have the power of god on my side. It is they who shall now suffer. The roles are reversed and the circle is now complete. When I left Jerusalem I was but a learner, now I am the master.

14. And Laban replied unto Nephi: Ye are only a master of evil Nephi.

15. And Laban did pick up a sword, and did lunge at Nephi. And Nephi lifted his sword to block Laban. And their swords did clash; and Nephi pushed Laban back with his sword, and did swing for Laban's head. But yea,  Laban did duck. Then did Laban swing his sword at Nephi's legs. But Nephi did jump high and do a back flip onto a higher ledge. 

16. And Nephi did lookest down at Laban and spake unto him: I can feel the righteousness in thee, Laban. I can feel the conflict. Join me, and together we can rule this land as sons of our Heavenly Father.

17. And Laban spake back to Nephi saying: There is no conflict within me; for every fiber of my being is set towards one goal - thy destruction. And I shall choppest off thy stones and feed them to swine.

18. And Nephi replied: So be it, Laban.  

19. And it came to pass that after the dramatic dialog did cease, yea, Nephi did jump from the platform, and did perform a half turn front flip over the top of Laban. And as Nephi came down, yea, he slashed Laban's left shoulder with his sword. 

20. And Laban did clutch his shoulder in pain. And Nephi landed on his feet behind Laban, and did swing his sword at Laban's head.

21. And it came to pass that Laban did turn just in time to block Nephi's death blow. Then it was that Laban did push Nephi back, followed by an upper cut with his sword. But Nephi did bend backward, thus barely preserving his life.

22. And Lemuel did yell from the crowd and did root for Laban to win: Go Laban! Killest Nephi!!

22. Then Nephi did a spin move, then a cartwheel, for he it was that Nephi was an exceedingly good fighter, and did havest many good fighting moves. And when he did the cartwheel, yea, he kicked Laban's sword out of his hand.

23. And Sam did yell: Yay Nephi!

24. And without his sword, yea, Laban was defenseless. Wherefore, the son of Abitch did yell at Laban from the crowd, and did throwest him his sword so as Laban could defend himself.

25. And when he did throwest Nephi his sword, the son of Abitch did yell: Behold Laban, takest my sword and use it to killest the bastard Nephi.

26. And it came to pass that Laban did catch the son of Abitch's sword, and did yell back to him: I bid thee thanks, son of Abitch.

27. And Nephi did yellest at Laban: 'Tis a good thing thou doth havest friends, otherwise thou wouldest be dead right now.

28. And Nephi came at Laban likest a wild boar, and did swing his sword with much wildness, likest unto a woman who doth swing a broom at a mouse.

29. And Nephi backed Laban up the stairs of the tower, even the tower that Nephi doth preach from.

30. And they did duel up the stairs, and they did get to the top of the tower, even to the platform where Nephi doth preach his sermons, and dictate to the people.

31. And it came to pass that Nephi and Laban the younger did duel upon the tower platform. And the people did watch in awe as the two warriors, and old friends, did battle, even did they fight diligently, with much skill and determination.

32. And the fight did last an exceedingly long time, for they were both equally skilled with a sword. And finally, Laban did take a wild swing at Nephi, and Nephi did duck out of the way. Then Nephi did perform a counter blow, and did choppest off Laban's hand, yea, even his right hand, which hand he did use to grip his sword. 

33. And Laban's hand and sword did fall from the platform to the ground, and Laban was defenseless, and he was in exceedingly great pain, for his hand was chopped off. And he did fall to his knees on the platform.

34. And Nephi did press his sword against Laban's chest and spake unto him: Thou art beaten. It is pointless to resist. Don't let thyself be destroyed as thy father did. Ye must give up.

35. And Laban spake back to Nephi saying: I shall never give up; for ye killed my father. And pretend not that ye fought my father valiantly, for I knowest the truth. Ye waited for my father to be passed out drunk, then did ye choppest off his head and stealeth his plates..

36. And many in the crowd did gasp at the charge Laban did make against Nephi. For none could believe their prophet capable of such a heinous crime.

37 And Laban did address the multitude from the platform: Behold, it is true, and Nephi was convicted in a court of law. For the people of Jerusalem did examine the evidence, and did find Nephi guilty of murdering a defenseless man, even by beheading him.

38. And many in the multitude did begin to murmur. And Nephi could see that many did believeth the charges that Laman did make against him. And Nephi was saddened that the multitude of people did believeth such an unrighteous man as Laban.

39. And Nephi replied and did confess the murder, and did try to explain the circumstances: Behold, people, hear the words of my mouth. Laban's father, even Laban the elder, did not hearken unto the counsel of the Lord's anointed, yea, even did Laban the elder kick against the pricks. Wherefore, the Lord doth take matters into his own hands. Verily behold, I did not kill thy father, the Lord did. I was simply thy Lord's instrument of thy father's destruction. It was the lord that did desire death by beheading, not I. For it came to pass that I was simply following orders. And I wanted not to do it, but the Lord never said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it. Take no offense to it; for the Lord doth want it that way, Laban. Join me, for we do have it good here. This land is a land of promise, with no rules exceptest the ones I make up. My father is very ill and shall soon die. I shall be in charge of this land. Join me and we can rule together. 

40. And Laban did get to his feet, and did move back toward the edge of the platform. And he did lookest down at the ground far, far below. And he was trapped, for there was no escape. And Nephi pleaded with him: Come with me, there is no other way.

41. But there was another way; for Balsac the monkey did appear on the platform out of nowhere. And he did come to the rescue of his friend Laban. 

42. And it came to pass that Balsac did climbest up Nephi's back, even as if Nephi was a tree. And Balsac did pull on Nephi's hair, and did let out a loud shriek while doing these things unto Nephi.

43. And Nephi screamed in pain as the monkey did pull his hair.

44. And it came to pass that also the wife of Balsac did appear on the platform, and she did chew on the right ankle of Nephi, so as to assist her husband in his battle with Nephi.

45. And because of the exceeding pain that Balsac and the wife of Balsac did cause unto Nephi, yea, Nephi did swing his sword wildly in an attempt to get the creatures off of him.

46. And when Nephi did swing his sword, yea, he did nearly hit Laban.

47. And it came to pass that Laban did jump back to avoid being slain by Nephi's sword. And when Laban did jump back, yea, he did lose his balance on the edge of the platform, and did fall from the platform. And Laban did scream as he fell, and then he did hit the ground, yea, even with a sickening sound, even a splat. And when Laban did hit the ground, the crowd did gasp, and a woman did faint.

48. And when Laban did fall from the platform, yea, Balsac and Nephi did stop fighting, for they did hear Laban's scream.

49.  And Balsac did jump from Nephi's back, and did look over the edge of the platform at his fallen comrade, and when Balsac beheld Laban's broken body, yeah, he did let out an exceedingly loud shriek, and did Balsac begin to cry.

50. And even did Nephi walk to the edge of the platform and look down from the tower at his former friend. And Nephi was saddened at the death of his former friend.

51. And it came to pass that the son of Abitch did run from the crowd to Laban's body. And the son of Abitch did kneel before Laban. And Laban did open his eyes wearily, and did look upon the son of Abitch.

52. And the son of Abitch spake unto Laban saying: Behold Laban, don't die, for thou art going to be okay. Behold, hang in there man, and don't go toward the light.

53. And Laban coughed, and looked up at the son of Abitch. Then he worked up the strength to speak a few final words: Son of Abitch, behold, my body is broken. Ye must carry on my friend. Verily, verily I say unto thee, takest ye care of the whores, and of Balsac, and rememberest thy dream to write poetry. For ye must chase after thy dreams. For if ye do not pursue thy dream of writing poetry, thou wilt always regret it. Promise me that thou will become a poet, and be not ashamed of writing poems.

54. And the son of Abitch did have tears running down his face, and he spake unto Laban: Behold, I promise, my friend. And it shall come to pass that I shall never forget thee.

55. And Laban spake back to the son of Abitch saying: Thou art a good man, and a better person than I. Endeavor to writest thy poetry so as to touch others, and makest them better people too. For this land shall be a great land if thou writest great poetry, yea, even poetry to influence others. Wax strong in thy skills, and never give up on thy dream. For ye shall be a great poet, I can feel it with every fiber of my being. And avenge me not through violence with the sword, but through words in thy poems, for the pen shall be mightier than the sword.

56. And with these final words of wisdom, Laban did close his eyes and did die. And the son of Abitch did sob over his fallen friend.

57. And I do close this chapter of the narrative. For it is an exceedingly sad and emotional chapter, and I find I can write not more, for I do cry exceedingly.

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