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CHAPTER 3

Laban, the son of Abitch, Laman, and Lemuel return to Laban's camp. The whores chastise Laman and Lemuel, threaten to kill them. Laban defends Laman and Lemuel. Balsac finds a wife. Laban learns of an archery tournament. Strategizes a way to get to Nephi. He and the son of Abitch disguise themselves as women. Laban entrusts the plates to the whores. [The late 580s B.C.]

1. And it came to pass that I do commence the third chapter in the second volume of my narrative, yea, even my exceedingly good narrative.

2. And we did arrive back at our camp the next day, even did me, and the son of Abitch, and Laman, and Lemuel arrive back at the campsite. 

3. And I led the way into the camp, and I did yell, even in a loud voice: Behold whores, we are back.

4. And the whores did emerge from their tent, and I spake unto Laman and Lemuel, and gestured to the whores, and said: Behold the whores, and I thinkest they shall be happy to see thee.

5. And Laman and Lemuel licked their lips, and I did notice their schlongs did act as a tent pole for their pants.

6. And they did walk with trouser tents.

7. And Yi Ping spake, saying: Is that a tent in thy pants, or is it that thou art happy to see us, Laman and Lemuel?

8. And when Laman and Lemuel did recognize the whores, behold, their tent poles did fall, and their trouser tents did collapse. And Laman, who was skilled in the art of making up lies for self preservation, even making up lies on the fly, yea, he did thinkest up something fast, and he spake, saying: Yi Ping behold, I am so happy to see thee; for Lemuel and I did come to get our usual service, and thou shalt put it on our tab; for we do plan to pay thee tomorrow.

9. And Yi Ping spake angrily at Laman saying: Verily, verily, I say unto thee, thou art a liar! For thou left Nahom and did anticipate never to see us again, and thus did thou expectest to skip out on thy bill, but behold, thou doth owe much money unto us, for we did service thee well, and therefore we doth deserve our pay.

10. And Laman answered back: Behold Yi Ping, verily, verily, I rebut thy charges, for thou shall gettest paid, even shalt thou gettest paid tomorrow, for we have much gold and silver and precious things at our camp. And we shall bring these things unto thee, even shall we bring what we owe thee tomorrow.

11. And Shu spake out saying: Kill them Yi Ping! Kill them both!

12. And Yi Ping did reveal a sword which she did hide behind her back. And it was a crude sword which she did construct from wood and she did embed sharp rocks within the wooden blade. And I beheld the sword which Yi Ping did construct, and I did observe that it could do much damage unto Laman and Lemuel, even could it do exceedingly much damage unto them. And it was that Yi Ping did wax strong in building this fine weapon while we did go wander in the wilderness.

13. And it came to pass that I did determine that Laman and Lemuel did not deserve death, for we did bond in the wilderness during our journey, and I did discover them to be regular men like me. Wherefore, I spake unto Yi ping, and pleaded with her to preserve Laman and Lemuel's lives, and destroy them not. 

14. And I spake these words: Behold Yi Ping, for Laman and Lemuel do promise to pay thee. And I beheld Nephi's camp, and they do possess much gold, and silver, and precious things; but behold, what good doth money do thee here? For our barge hath sunk, and we cannot return, yea, and we must work together. Wherefore, Laman and Lemuel shall return with me and the son of Abitch unto Nephi's camp; and we shall slay him, and shall we slay his father, Lehi. Then shall we set the people free from their bondage. And after the manner by which we doth slay Nephi and Lehi; yea, Laman and Lemuel shall raid Nephi's treasury and pay thee back tenfold of that which they owe unto thee. We shall then join with Nephi's people and build up a great society here. And ye and thy daughters shall be queens and princesses of this new land. But if ye shall kill Laman and Lemuel now, behold, it shall make my job exceedingly more difficult, and thou shalt never see thy money again. 

15. And Yi Ping did contemplate the words that did come from my mouth, and she did study them out in her mind. Then did she lower her weapon, and I did carefully take it from her. And she said: Yea, we shall assist thee, and we shall help the poor people of Nephi, and we shall continue to service thee and the son of Abitch for free. But yea, we shall never service Laman and Lemuel exceptest they pay us back.

16. And I did reply: The words which ye speak are good. Wherefore, it must needs be that we shall get to work. And where is Balsac? For he shall be of use to us on our mission.

17. And Yi Ping spake again saying: Balsac was with thee, for that was the purpose of thy journey -  to findest a sex partner for Balsac.

18. And I answereth Yi Ping saying: I did sendest Balsac back to this camp, even did I send him back yesterday, even with a message for thee.

19. And the whores looked one to another, but none had seen Balsac the monkey. Wherefore, we became exceedingly concerned for his safety, for he is alone in the woods.

20. And it came to pass that we did makest plans to findest Balsac, and we did spread out and begin looking for him. And we did walk into the woods and did yell: Balsac? Balsac? Here boy.

21. And I had only searched for a short time, yea, even for the space of less than a minute, when Balsac did emerge from behind a bush, and even did he act nervous. And I chastised Balsac, saying: Behold, Balsac, why doth thou hide? For we were exceedingly worried over thee.

22. And Balsac did look exceedingly embarrassed. Then did a bunny rabbit hop from behind the bush, and it was a female rabbit, for she did have upon her body white fur, and also a pink nose upon her furry face, and Balsac did gaze upon the bunny with lust in his eyes, and the bunny did gaze back with lust in her eyes. And I could see that Balsac did findest his life partner, and they did follow me back to camp.

23. And it came to pass that I did callest out to the others that I had found Balsac. And the others did run swiftly back to where it was that I was, for they desired to see Balsac and know of assurety that he was alright.

24. And when the whores, and Laman and Lemuel, and the son of Abitch did return, they beheld Balsac, and beheld the bunny, and Lemuel spake: Behold the bunny, who is it that she is?

25. And Balsac spake two shrieks, and did get excited and jump up and down, and do back flips. And it was obvious unto me, therefore, I did explain to the others that the bunny was the wife of Balsac. And all did find the bunny exceedingly cute, and did congratulate Balsac for his lovely wife, and did all congratulate the bunny, and did tellest her that Balsac would makest an exceedingly fine husband, for he was a hard worker.

26. And Balsac did takest his wife into a tent, so as he could know her.

27. And it came to pass that I thinketh it needs be that we should plan a strategy for our revenge on Nephi and Lehi. And I spake unto Laman and Lemuel so as to gather insider information.

28. And Laman spake unto us that Nephi shall be expected back soon. For it shall come to pass that there shall be an archery tournament, and Nephi did sign himself up for the archery tournament, for Nephi did buildeth himself a new superbow, and he was exceedingly skilled at archery and was desirous to prove his archery skills by winning the tournament.

29. And these things did Laman speak, and I knowest these things to be true. Wherefore, I did borrow two dresses from the whores, for it must needs be that I dress as a woman, and even the son of Abitch shall dress as a woman, yea even daughters of the people of Nephi, so as to disguise ourselves and walk into Nephi's camp, and nobody shall suspect us.

30. And I shall enterest myself into the tournament as a woman archer, thus getting close enough to Nephi so as to slay him. For it is that Nephi shall have many bodyguards, but none shall suspect a woman.

31. And Yi Ping taught us how to build wooden swords with sharp rocks imbedded within the blade. And we did buildeth four, one for each man.

32. And it came to pass that Balsac did emerge from his tent, and he did shriek a loud shriek, and did hold up a small wooden sword, even a sword small enough for a little monkey. And he did build it himself; for he was a smart little monkey. And it was obvious to all that Balsac deired, even exceedingly, to accompany us on our journey, even our journey of vengeance and murder.

33. And I spake unto Balsac: Behold, Balsac, thou art a brave monkey, and I am exceedingly proud of thee, but thou havest a wife. Wherefore, ye must stay behind and look after her, and also look after the whores, for thou art now the man of the camp.

34. And the wife of Balsac did look upon him with a pleading look, for she so desired Balsac to stay with her so as he could know her again. And her long ears did perk up, and her pink nose did throb, and she pleaded unto him not to go, even did she plead exceedingly. Wherefore Balsac dropped his sword and did embrace his wife, and they did return to inside the tent.

35. And we bade farewell to the whores, and I wore a dress, like unto a woman. And the son of Abitch wore a dress, like unto a woman. And we did conceal our faces with a veil, and did hide our weapons beneath our dresses. And we commenced our travels to Nephi's camp, even me, and Laman, and Lemuel, and the son of Abitch. 

36. And before I bade farewell to the whores, I spake one last thing, for I did havest a bad feeling about this, yea, even did I thinkest I may fail in my mission,. And I spake one last request unto the whores, and I spake it unto Yi Ping, saying: Behold Yi Ping, if anything shall happen unto me, and if I shall return not, behold, ye must preserve the plates so as they can come forth to future generations. 

37. And Yi Ping and her daughters did promise to preserve the plates. And I finish writing these things; for I must go now to avenge my father, yea, I shall kill Nephi, and even shall I kill Lehi.

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