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CHAPTER 2

Laban, the son of Abitch, Laman, and Lemuel travel back to Laban's camp. They stop for the night, talk around a campfire, and bond. [The late 580s B.C.]

1. And it came to pass that we did walk in the wilderness in the direction of our camp. And I walked with the son of Abitch, and also Laman, and Lemuel, whom did join us after it was that they did discover us at Nephi's camp. And because it was late in the day, it gettest dark before we returned. Wherefore, we did stop for the night, and did build a campfire.

2. And as we did sit around the campfire, yea, I spake unto the son of Abitch, for he was exceedingly quiet during our journey back, and I did know he doth havest difficulties adjusting to life in the new land.

3. And I spake unto him: Behold, son of Abitch, is it that thou doth miss thy father? For it is that I miss my father exceedingly.

4. And the son of Abitch spake back saying: Behold Laban, I have mixed emotions, for it is that I doth miss my father, but yea, thy father and I are also estranged, for I doth desire to quit law enforcement, for it no longer doth interest me, and this thing doth anger my father, for law enforcement is the family trade. Wherefore, it is that I havest freedom in this vast wilderness, nevertheless, I doth miss my friends and family back home, yea, even my father, and this doth cause my emotions to be mixed.

5. And it came to pass that Laman and Lemuel, who did crack many silly jokes during our journey, for Laman and Lemuel do findest many things funny, even exceedingly funny, nevertheless, they did get serious when they listened to the words of the son of Abitch's mouth, for it was that he had much pain on his face. And the son of Abitch did have a tough exterior, and did pretend to be exceedingly strong, but yea, it was that he had much gentleness and vulnerabilities within him.

6. And I spake unto the son of Abitch saying: Yea, son of Abitch, thou art good at thy job, yea, even the best detective I have yet seen, yea, even doth thou havest much passion for thy work. Why is it that thou desires to be a detective no longer?

7. And the son of Abitch replied: Behold, son of Laban, I did once have a passion for detective work, but it is that I am burned out. And the exceedingly frightful journey across the sea in that excedingly bad barge did makest me to examine my life, and what I doth really want to spend my time doing. And when I did examine my wants and needs, even when I did diggest into the deepest part of my being, yea, I did knowest that I am not a detective, and I did know that I desire to write poetry. For it is that I am a poet, and do have a passion for poetry, but yea, my detective job did always keepest me exceedingly busy. Wherefore, I had not the time to follow my dreams, and develop my poet skills. And my father believes poetry to be an exceeding waste of time, and that there are criminals that must be captured, even doth my father say that poetry never captured a ciminal. For it is that my father is focused only on one thing, capturing and executing criminals. And that thing did interest me in past years, but yea, it doth interest me no more.

8. And I was curious, for the son of Abitch lookest not like a poet, for he was tall, and strong. And I was curious how it could be that such a big, strong man could be a gentle, effeminate poet.

9. And I spake unto him: Son of Abitch, is it that thou doth havest any poems to share with us?

10. And the son of Abitch did become bashful, and he lookest upon the ground, and sayeth: Yea, I did writest some down, but they are private, and I desire not to share them.

11. And Laman did reply: Yea, I thank thee son of Abitch.

12. And I spake unto the son of Abitch: Listen not to the words of Laman's mouth, for I do desire to hearest thy poems. I do hopest thou doth change thy mind and doth share a poem with us.

13. And the son of Abitch said nothing, and he did toss a stick into the fire. And we did sit in silence for a few minutes, for it was that we were bonding.

14. And it came to pass that Lemuel did finally breakest the silence: Laban, is it that I may asketh a question of thee?

15. And I did reply unto Lemuel: Yea, Lemuel, thou just did asketh a question of me, for when ye asked if ye may asketh a question, behold that was a question.

16. And all did laugh at my joke, for it was an exceedingly funny joke. And after the manner in which all laughed at my joke, I spake: Lemuel, thou mayest to ask me another question.

17. And Lemuel replied: Is it that thy father did teach unto thee lessons from his brass plates before Nephi doth steal them from him?

18. And I did reply unto Lemuel: Nay, for my father doth keep them as a religious artifact for his antiquity collection, but he doth read them not, nor teach from them. Why doth thou ask?

19. And Lemuel replied: 'Tis something that Nephi did teach unto us the other night, during family home evening, that doth bother me still.

20. And Laman spake at his little brother: Yea Lemuel, not this again. Behold, I did already answer this for thee, 'tis because Nephi is a hypocrite.

21. And Lemuel replied: Yea, but it is that I desire a second opinion.

22. And I answered: Yea Lemuel, what is it that thou doth want to know?

23. And Lemuel said: It came to pass that Nephi doth teach us lessons from the brass plates that he did stealeth from thy father. And the other day he did teach us that thou shall not lie, and thou shall not covet thy neighbor' s wife, or ass. And after he did teach these things he stood and accused me of coveting his wife, and did chastise me for coveting his wife, even did he chastise me in front of everyone. But it is that I do not covet Nephi's wife, nor her ass, and I do thinkest him exceedingly jealous and possessive of his wife. And he did lie by saying I did covet his wife. Wherefore, Nephi is a liar and doth break the rules of the very book by which he teaches from.

24. And I did nod my head, and say: Yea, if it is that Nephi lied while teaching others not to lie, that doth makest him a hypocrite.

25. And it came to pass that Lemuel did continue his story:  And that be not all, for then does Nephi continue to teach from the brass plates. And he doth teach that thou shall not kill and thou shall not steal. And when he did teach these thing, I did raise my hand and sayest unto Nephi that he did steal the book that teaches thou shall not steal, and he doth killest Laban to get the book that doth teach thou shall not kill. And I spake unto him that I did find that fact exceedingly ironic. Then did I point and laugh at Nephi. And after I did point and laugh at him, Nephi became exceedingly angry with me, and did hastise me. Then did our father Lehi join Nephi in chastising me, and they accused me of desiring to stir up contention, which thing is of the devil. Then Nephi stood, and cast me out of the tent in the name of some guy named Jesus Christ, and I was humiliated in front of everyone, and none did stickest up for me, exceptest it be Laman, who did callest Nephi a hypocrite and did also leave the tent with me.

26.  And it came to pass that I did smile and say unto Lemuel: Feel not bad Lemuel, for it is correct that Nephi is a hypocrite, for he doth not follow his own teachings. And it is that I am not bound by the teachings of those plates. Wherefore, I shall killest Nephi, even shall I slowly crush his stones until he doth die from exceedingly great pain.

27. And Laman did laugh, and did rub his hands together and spake: Verily behold, I shall find exceeding joy in watching Nephi die in agonizing misery while begging for mercy.

28. And I spake unto Laman: Behold, Laman, it is that thou was with Nephi the night of my father's murder. Why is it that I shouldn't killest thee and Lemuel.

29. And Laman did reply: Behold, Laban, listen to the words of my mouth. We knew not of Nephi's murderous plans. For we were going to trade our gold possessions for Laban's plates, and only after that sale did fall through did Nephi return alone to thy father. Then, later he did emerge with the plates, and wearing thy father's clothes, and we knew not that he did murder thy father until Zoram did tellest us the awful truth.

30. And I did reply: Yea, speaking of Zoram, how is it that he is?

31. And Lemuel spake: Yea, Zoram did complain at first, but then did Nephi givest unto him Ishmael's second finest daughter, Jenna. And Zoram was exceedingly happy that Ishmael and Nephi did pimp out Jenna to him. And now it is that Zoram is among Nephi's biggest supporters.

32. And I did shake my head and say unto Laman and Lemuel: Yea, I do believest thou had nothing to do with my father's murder. And it is that Nephi must be stopped, for he doth gather many followers. Wherefore, I do ask of thee to join me so as we may overthrow Nephi and bring freedom to this land.

33. And Laman and Lemuel did look unto one another and did smile. And Laman spake: Yea, we shall do what is necessary to overthrow Nephi and liberate our people.

34. And it came to pass that the son of Abitch, who did remain quiet until now, spake up, saying: Behold, son of Laban, thou art wise in thy counsel, for we shall remain in this land, and we shall carry out our own justice, for this shall be a new land, and we shall makest our own rules. And after we doth carry out justice upon Nephi, yea, then shall I retire from law enforcement, and livest out my life as a poet. For this land is beautiful, and doth have many natural wonders, which thing doth makest me desirous to write poetry.

35. And I spake unto the son of Abitch: Yea, son of Abitch, 'tis good that thou hath chosen to follow thy dreams. And coming to this land is the best thing that doth happen to thee, for it doth provide thee a way to quit thy job as a detective and pursue thy true love, which is poetry.

36. And the son of Abitch did smile, and I could see a twinkle in his eye, and his rugged features did soften as the idea did sink in, for his dreams of being a poet shall soon come true.

37. And Laman spake: Yea, I do wish we could go back, for I desire to return to Jerusalem, but nay, for I developed a fear of sailing, for we did nearly perish when I attempted a mutiny on the way over. And I desire to never travel by sea again. Wherefore, it is that I am stuck here too, and I desire to buildest up a new nation, even a free nation.

38. And the son of Abitch spake a question: Laman, why did Nephi thinkest he could sail without falling off the edge of the Earth? For I did thinkest we were in great danger when we did sail an exceedingly long distance away from land.

39. And Laman answered saying: Behold, my dad teacheth many crazy ideas that Nephi believees. For he doth thinketh the Earth be not flat, but I look upon the Earth, and I say it is flat, and my father does chastise me for looking upon the Earth with my temporal eyes, not my spiritual eyes. And he doth think one of the lights in the sky is the ruler of all the other lights, and he calls the ruling one Kolob, and he doth say Kolob lights the other lights and doth control the Earth. My father doth also think the Earth doth go in a circle, and if ye sail, ye just keep going round in a circle. Yea, our dad is an exceedingly crazy man, and we are thus fortunate that his craziness did not lead us off the edge of the Earth, for somehow we did land in this strange empty land. But behold, this is but a wasteland, for there is nothing to do here, and me and Lemuel do get bored often. Wherefore, we are exceedingly grateful unto thee for bringing harlots unto this land, for I was beginning to find the female tapirs attractive.

40. And I spake, saying: Ye shall see the harlots soon enough, and Nephi is crazy enough to kill for a book. Wherefore, he must be stopped before he doth gather more followers, and gain even more power.

41. And it came to pass that we did rest for the night. And I do close the second chapter of this second volume. Wherefore I say unto thee, au revoir.

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