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Laban the younger writes of his life in the vast wilderness of the Americas, his growing friendship with the Asian whores, and the son of Abitch; the loyalty of Balsac the monkey, and the hunt for Nephi. 

CHAPTER 1

Laban the Younger is awakened on the beach by Yi Ping giving him CPR, the barge sank, the supplies and livestock are lost. The whores, the son of Abitch, and the monkey barely survive. Laban learns the monkey is named Balsac. Laban recounts the journey. Discovers much gold and begins writing his story upon plates. Laban, Balsac the monkey, and the son of Abitch journey in the wilderness, discover Nephi's camp. Laban and the son of Abitch spy on the camp using a cow disguise. They are discovered by Laman and Lemuel. [The late 580s B.C.]

1. And it came to pass that I, Laban the younger, shall continue writing an account of my life, yea, even shall I continue from the time we did arrive in the new land.

2. And it came to pass that our journey was not a safe one; for the barge sank. And although Yi Ping did claim her father knoweth much of boat design, behold he did not, for the barge was not a goodly barge.

3. And now it was that we findeth ourselves in a strange new land, and I was awakened on the beach by Yi Ping, who did have her mouth upon mine, even did she breath into my mouth while Li did press down on my chest, for they felt it must needs be to give me CPR in order to preserve my life; for I nearly perished.

4. And yea, Yi Ping and Li did revive me, and behold, I beheld them, and was grateful to be alive; and I was exceedingly disoriented; and I spake unto Yi Ping, saying: Behold, Yi Ping, where is it that I am?

5. And Yi Ping spake unto me: Verily, verily thus sayeth me, behold, thou art safe, for I doth pull thee ashore and did thus revive thee. But wo unto us, for the barge is lost, for after the accident it was every man for himself, and ye were unconscious after the goat did land on thy head.

6. And I felt my head, and it was exceedingly sore, and as I rubbed my head, yea, many memories did return to my mind, for I now rememberest what did happen unto us.

7. And now behold, for I shall explain unto thee the circumstances that doth bring us to our current state, yea, even to our current bad state; for we are wet and cold, and doth sit on a beach with no supplies. And behold human life was lost not, but we lost much supplies, yea, even did we lose all of our supplies, yea, even all of our camping gear, and our livestock, and all of our food, and our horses, and asses, and our flocks, and even our bees. But behold, the last test monkey did survive, even was he the only survivor who was not human.

8. And we doth know not where we be, and thus shall I flash back, even shall I cite my mind backward to explain unto thee what did happen to bring unto us such a poor state of existence.

9. For it came to pass that I ended the previous book when we had closed the doors to the barge and had set out on our journey; and I knowest that thou can wait not to read what did happen to us on our journey. Wherefore, I shall now explain what did happen.

10. And we commenced our journey across the sea. And we could see not inside the barge, for there shall not be any invention that doth give off light exceptest it be fire. Nevertheless, fire shall be exceedingly dangerous on a barge that doth tip over. Wherefore, we did havest no light inside the barge exceptest when we did open the top door for want of fresh air, and to navigate the direction in which we did travel.

11. Now the barge traveled upon the sea, yea, and sometimes the barge traveled underwater; for it was tight like unto a dish. And we traveled for an exceedingly long time, for the sea being far and wide, it takest a long time to travel upon it. And we had exceeding fear of falling off the edge of the earth, and we did occasionally find it needs be to open the hole on top even to let in light and fresh air, and to watch for the edge of the earth so as not to plummet to certain doom. 

12. And we did measure the days by the rising of the sun. And it came to pass that the barge did toss and turn and float upside down often; for it was built tight like unto a dish so as it could tip over and not sink. And because it did many times flip over, yea, food was scattered all about the barge, and the animals were tossed, and the bee hives were broken open, and we did suffer many bee stings, and many animals did kick us and fall on us, and we did suffer many injuries and other afflictions during the long voyage.

13. And it came to pass that we did travel across the sea for the space of three hundred and forty-four days, which time being almost a year, and yea, it being the worst year of mine life, and because three hundred and forty-four days was an exceedingly long time, yea, we did have want for fresh water. And even though we did bring much fresh water on the journey, nevertheless, we did begin to run out on the three hundred and forty-fourth day. Wherefore, we so desired to get to land, even exceedingly did we desire to get to land.

14. And it came to pass that on the three hundred and forty-fourth day, yea, I did lift the top hatch and beheld land, even about two-hundred yards away did I behold land. Wherefore, I yelled out, even in a loud voice: Land Ahoy!

15. Now after I ceased yelling out land ahoy, yea, a really large wave came upon us, and when I beheld the large wave, I shuttest the top hatch quick so as not to let water in. And the wave did crash upon the barge and flip us exceedingly hard, yea, even harder than all the other times we did flip over.

16. And after the manner in which the barge did flip over, yea, many supplies flew up into the air, for tied down were they not, which thing would have been a good idea. And a goat did fly into the air, and did come down, and did land upon my head. And because the goat was exceedingly heavy, yea, it knocked me out cold.

17. And it came to pass that Shu panicked, and did attempt to open the door so as to let in fresh air; but yea, she did open the bottom door instead of the top, for inasmuch as Shu hath not the largest brain of the whores, she doth think the bottom door was the door for fresh air and sunlight. But yea, when she did open the bottom door water rushed in and the son of Abitch did try to stop it, but the water came in exceedingly fast. And the Son of Abitch did yell at Shu and called her a stupid whore; and the barge did sink.

18. And all escaped the sinking barge, exceptest the livestock, and also the bees, and the horses, and asses, and the other supplies and animals were lost also. And Yi Ping did pull me from the barge, and when we did get out in the sea, yea behold, the son of Abitch beheld the land, and bade all to follow him, and all did swim to the land. And Yi Ping did pull me to land and did give unto me CPR to preserve my life.

19. And thus ends the story of our voyage, for our barge did sink, and all supplies were lost.

20. And the son of Abitch did blame Shu and did curse her even with a sore cursing, for she did open the bottom door and did cause the barge to sink. And the son of Abitch spake, saying: Now how is it that we shall return? For our barge hath sunk, and all supplies were lost; for we have not the tools necessary to buildest another barge. And wo, this shall be displeasing unto my father I am sure.

21. And I spake, saying: This bickering doth get us nowhere; for we must find food and fresh water if we are desirous to perish not. 

22. And it came to pass that we determined that it must needs be for us to explore the land. Wherefore, we did explore, and our hearts were glad, for we discovered it to be a land of abundance; for there were plants and animals of every kind, and even did I find much gold, and silver, and even bronze, which metals I use to writeth this book. And I commenced writing this book during our stay in the wilderness.

23. And we did find much wheat and berries, and even many cows, and chickens, and turkeys, which we did cook for food, and also we did discover a continuously running river, which did supply us with fresh water, and fish.

24. And the son of Abitch spake an apology unto Shu for chastising her, and he did break down and cry, and he spake unto all saying he desired to be a better person starting today, and he did love us all, for we were like unto a family to him.

25. And all came unto the son of Abitch and did giveth unto him a hug, for it was obvious unto all that the three-hundred and forty-four day journey, even inside a dark barge which did tumble much, and even living in fear that he shall fall off the edge of the earth any minute, yea, these things did makest the son of Abitch to examine his life, for he was far from home, and had not the means to gettest back, and we were castaways in a strange land, even an exceedingly strange land, which thing did makest the son of Abitch to have many emotions.

26. And it came to pass that the monkey, even the last surviving test monkey, was an exceedingly helpful little monkey, for he did bring unto us food and did even help in the building of shelters.

27. And I spake unto Yi Ping and did inquire of her if the monkey doth have a name. And Yi Ping said unto me that the monkey's name is Balsac.

28. And it came to pass that I did bond with Balsac, for he was an exceedingly goodly monkey, and we became friends, for he was like unto a brother to me.

29. And it came to pass that many months did pass, and we did build a fine camp in the new land, and I did writest my story upon metal plates, even gold, silver, and bronze, and the whores gave much pleasure unto me and the son of Abitch, but yea, Balsac received no pleasure, for he was a monkey, and the whores cleave only to humans, and doth refuse to know monkeys that way, for it is their policy to fornicate only with humans. And I was exceedingly grateful for the policy, nevertheless, it must needs be that we find a companion for Balsac. Wherefore, me and the son of Abitch did travel with Balsac in the wilderness so as we could findest a female monkey as a companion for Balsac.

30. And it came to pass that we traveled in the wilderness for the space of many days, and we came upon many useful animals, yea, even deer and tapirs, and even cureloms and cumoms, but yea, we found not monkeys.

31. And it came to pass that after many days of wandering in the wilderness, yea, we came upon a valley, and beheld a camp in the distance. And I did suspect it to be Nephi's camp, for no other inhabitants did we meet when we did swim ashore, and we sailed in the same direction as Nephi. Wherefore, I did discern that the camp which we beheld in the valley must be Nephi and his followers.

32. And I spake unto the son of Abitch saying: Behold, that camp must be the camp if Nephi, for it is that this is an uninhabited wilderness. Wherefore, it must needs be that any other inhabitants must be Nephi and his people.

33. And the son of Abitch did agree with mine assessment. Wherefore, we did thinkest up a plan, yea, even did we conspire to sneak inside the camp as spies so as we can study the layout and strategize a plot to capture Nephi so as we may slay him, for we have not the means to return him to Jerusalem, and the authorities of Jerusalem have given unto Nephi a death sentence. Wherefore, we shall act as the executioners and carry out Nephi's sentence here, even in the wilderness.

34. But it came to pass that the whores knew not of our plan, for we did makest it up without their knowledge, and they shall expect us back in a few days. And if it shall come to pass that we are discovered as spies and executed, yea, the whores shall know not what did happened unto us. Wherefore, I did findest a piece of bark, and did writest a message, even did I write in reformed Asia so if it is that our enemies intercept my message, yea, then shall the reformed Asian characters confound them, and they shall have a stupor of thought, and wherefore, they shall know not our plans.

35. And after the manner in which I writest my message, yea, I gavest the message unto Balsac, and gave a command unto him to deliver the message to the whores.

36. And Balsac spake two shrieks, which thing means he doth understand my command. And he runneth back in the direction of our camp, even did Balsac run as fast as his little monkey legs could carry him.

37. And I consulted with the son of Abitch, and we did devise a strategy to infiltrate Nephi's camp, even a most ingenious strategy, whereas we shall disguise ourselves like unto a cow.

38. And we did findest a cow, and did slay it, and did cut the hide from it's body, and did keepest the head attached to the hide, and did drape the body and head of the dead cow over us as a disguise.

39. And I was in front, and I held the cow head up, so as it seemed like a real cow with a real head. And I did cut a small hole in the neck of the cow, so as I could peek out and navigate the cow.

40. And the son of Abitch was in the back, and did drape the rear of the cow over him, and did hunch over, and we did have four legs like unto a real cow, and we did walk into Nephi's camp in disguise. 

41. And I did peek through the hole that I did makest in the cow's neck, and beheld much busy work and farming, yea, and I beheld many young children and babies. And the men waxed strong building large structures, even buildings and houses, and the women did cook the food, and all did dwell in tents.

42. And we did continue to walk around the camp, which thing being exceedingly difficult in a cow suit. And I did hear a familiar voice, wherefore, I did turn the cow head in the direction from whence the voice came, and I did peer through the eye hole, and I beheld Laman and Lemuel, and their little brother Sam, but I beheld not Nephi. 

43. And I did whisper back to the son of Abitch: Behold, son of Abitch, this is the place, for I see the brothers of Nephi, but I see not Nephi. Nevertheless, it is that he must be around here somewhere. Wherefore, it must needs be that...

44. But I did stop talking when I did hearest the voice of Laman which did say: Behold Lemuel, lookest upon that cow. I thinkest it to be Sam's lover, for I did witness Sam fornicating it in his bed last night.

45. And it came to pass that the son of Abitch and I did freeze, for the brothers of Nephi did look upon us in our cow disguise, and they did talk about us as if we be a real cow.

46. And Laman and Lemuel did laugh exceedingly hard at Laman's joke, and as they did laugh they did point at Sam, which thing did makest Sam sad, even exceedingly sorrowful, for the things Laman spake were hurtful unto him, and Sam spake, even in a sad voice, and said: Laman, why doth thou speak such hurtful things unto me? For it is that I am thy brother, and it saddens me that thou art so mean and doth makest Lemuel to be mean like unto thee. And thou doth knowest that I havest a wife, even a wife named Ulga. And thou doth know that Ulga is a human, and I doth only lie with my human wife at night, and I cleave unto her and none else.  

47. And Laman did show no compassion unto his little brother, even did Laman continue speaking insults unto him, saying: Yea Sam, forgivest me, for it is that I did mistaken the cow for thy wife; for they do resemble one another.

48. And Laman and Lemuel did laugh exceedingly at Laman's second insult, and Sam did removest his sword, and did threaten Laman, saying: Behold Laman, thou shalt make jokes of me if thou desires, and I shall turn the other cheek, but I shall not turn my wife's other cheek, for I will defend my wife's honor. Behold, if ye shall utter another hurtful word toward Ulga, then it shall come to pass that I shall smite thee down, even with a mighty smiting.

49. And Laman replied unto Sam's threat saying: Behold Sam, it must needs be that thou should be not so exceedingly serious, for thou art too much like unto Nephi, who doth take things much too seriously. Nevertheless, it is a fact that when it came time for us to takest wives, and Nephi did line up the daughters of Ishmael for us to choose, yea, Nephi did pick first, and did takest the finest daughter, even the one that did makest my schlong to tingle. And thou did pick last, and did gettest the large daughter with the good personality, which was Ulga. And Nephi did congratulate thee, and did call Ulga a sweet spirit, but I did feel exceedingly bad for thee, even did I thinkest it to be not fair. Is it not that thou art angry for choosing last? And it is that thou cannot turnest thy wife's other cheek because inasmuch as Ulga is exceedingly large, yea, 'tis impossible for one man to turneth her cheek, for that shall be a two man job.

50. And Sam did raise his sword in anger, and spake, even in a loud voice: Behold, Laman, I did warn thee, for thou hath insulted my wife again, even hath thou insulted Ulga continuously, even since before we did sail across the sea. And because I was small, yea, I did nothing, but I have grown much, and now it must needs be that I defend my wife's honor. Wherefore, Laman, prepare to die.

51. And Sam did come upon Laman to smite him, and Laman did turn in terror, yea, and did attempt to flee from his little brother. And when Laman did run he did run into me and the son of Abitch in our cow disguise. And we did fall over, and the cow disguise did come off, and we were exposed. And Laman beheld us, and did realize the cow was a disguise, and he did yell out: Spies!!

52. But after Laman beheld me, much confusion came upon his face, and he spake: Laban, is that thee? What art thou doing here? And why doth thou dress as a cow? Is it that thou hath gone insane?

53. And it came to pass that I did lift my finger to my mouth to silence him, but it was too late, for Lemuel and Sam did come upon us. And Lemuel spake: Laban? What art thou doing here? And why doth thou dress as a cow?

54. And Sam spake: Behold, is that not Nephi's friend from Jerusalem?

55. And Lemuel beheld the son of Abitch and spake a joke: Hey Laman, it doth lookest like Laban did waste not time finding a new boyfriend after Nephi did dump him. And it doth appear that Laban prefers his boyfriends in the rear position.

56. And Laman and Lemuel did laugh exceedingly at Lemuel's joke. And the son of Abitch did reply unto Lemuel, saying: Behold, thou art smaller and weaker than I, even art thou a little bastard. Wherefore, thou art exceedingly foolish to speak jokes such as that, for it is that the events of this past year hath made me exceedingly unstable Wherefore, I doth suggest thou keepest thy jokes to thyself if thou art desirous to remain alive.

57. And Lemuel beheld that the son of Abitch did havest a crazy look in his eye. Wherefore, Lemuel did remain silent, and did stop making jokes.

58. And I spake unto Sam saying: I wish thee no harm, Sam. Where is thy brother Nephi?

59. And Sam gave me a curious look, and replied: Nephi did go away, in solitude, to speak unto the Lord, and he shall return within a few days. I am pleased to see thee here Laban, for I did thinkest everyone in Jerusalem was hard hearted toward my father. It doth makest me feel exceedingly gay to see thee follow the counsel of my father. And I do apologize for my brother stealing thy father's plates; but we did need them here. Thou doth understand, right?

60. And I spake a lie unto Sam, so as not to make him to be suspicious of me, for I cannot carry out Nephi's sentence today. Wherefore, I did need Sam to remain quiet, for my presence in the wilderness must remain secret so as I may keep the element of surprise.

61. And I spake back to Sam: Behold, Sam, I do so desire to follow thy father's counsel. And I prayed unto the lord, and he revealed unto me that Nephi was justified in taking my father's plates, for Nephi is thy father's successor as prophet. Wherefore, Sam, I do desire to surprise my good friend Nephi, and it would be pleasing unto me if ye not tell him I am here, for I shall surprise Nephi tomorrow. Can thou keepest thy mouth shut?

62. And Sam did promise that he would speak not of my presence to Nephi.

63. And it came to pass that Laman spake, saying: Laban, did thou bring others besides thy friend? Did thou bringest any harlots for those of us who doth grow tired of knowing only one woman?

64. And I replied: Laman, 'tis funny thou doth ask that, for I do have harlots back at our camp who would love to meet thee, and would like to meet Lemuel too. Wherefore, come with us, and help us pack so as we can move ourselves here, and I shall introduce thee to the harlots.

65. And Laman and Lemuel were excited at my offer; and Lemuel spake, saying: Behold, are the harlots exceedingly fine, and doth they have bodies that are tight like unto a dish?

66. And I replied saying: I doth believe these harlots are just thy type, yea, they are exceedingly beautiful, with bodies tight like unto a dish. And inasmuch as I do suspect ye shall desire them, yea, I doth also suspect thou would be willing to pay money for them if it was required.

67. And Lemuel did leap in the air with excitement, and Laman spake unto Sam, saying: Sam, tell our wives that we shall return in a few days. If they ask where we went, sayest we went hunting.

68. And Sam spake back saying: Behold, Laman, Nephi did counsel us to remain at the camp until he doth return.

69. And Laman answered: Yea, behold, thou art correct; but I doth look around and I behold not Nephi; for he hath gone to speak to the lord, or something like that. Wherefore, he shall not miss us, so long as thou keepest thy stupid mouth shut. And thou shouldest to do what he is told. Wherefore, just worry about thyself Sam, and make sure ye tell our wives we goest hunting, so as they may not be jealous of us.

70. And Sam spake that he could not tell a lie, for it was against the ten commandments, which thing he did learn about from Nephi. And after Sam did sayest 'no' unto Laman, yea, Laman did come upon Sam, and did grabbest his arm and did twist his arm behind his back, and did pull his arm up, and when he did this thing unto Sam, yea, Sam did cry out in pain, and did plead with Laman to stop torturing him.

71. And Laman did continue the arm twist torture, and spake unto Sam: Behold, Sam, thou wilt tellest our wives that we went hunting, say it.

72. And Sam replied unto Laman: It.

73. And after the manner in which Sam sayeth 'it' Laman became exceedingly angry, and did pull Sam's arm exceedingly hard, which thing did cause Sam to cry out in pain.

74. And Laman spake unto Sam: Behold, no more jokes. Thou must promise to lie for us or I shall breaketh thy arm. The choice shall be yours, Sam.

75. And Sam did finally yell out: Yea, I promise! I promise!

76. And it came to pass that after the manner in which Sam did promise to speak the lie unto the wives of Laman and Lemuel, yea, Laman did let go of his arm, and did cease torturing him.

77. And Sam rubbed his sore shoulder, and a tear did run down his cheek, and I did feel much sadness for him, for Laman and Lemuel were exceedingly mean big brothers.

78. And after the manner in which Sam did finally agree to lie for Laman and Lemuel, yea, Laman and Lemuel did follow me and the son of Abitch out of the camp. And I suspect they shall be surprised when they meet the whores.

79. And thus concludes the first chapter of mine second book.

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