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THE FIRST BOOK OF LABAN HIS LIFE IN JERUSALEM
CHAPTERS
Laban the younger begins writing upon gold plates in a secret language called reformed Asian. Nephi and Laban the Younger are childhood friends. Laban the younger plays at Nephi’s house. Lehi goes crazy, begins preaching in the streets. The people make fun of him, children mock him and conspire against him. Laban the younger defeats the wicked children with his sling, and saves Lehi. [About 600 B.C.]
Laban the younger writes of his birth. His father, Laban, defends his wife's honor from a wicked doctor. [A little before 600 B.C.]
Laban is jailed, meets a wise man named Eledekiah. Eledekiah tells Laban how he can save his wife and break the spell by kissing her; also tells of buried treasure. Laban escapes jail through stratagem. Laban the younger counsels the reader not to judge the book by its poor grammar. [A little before 600 B.C.]
Laban attempts to rescue his wife from being buried alive, and raped by a perverted gravedigger. Laban the younger is running low on gold plates. [A little before 600 B.C.]
Laban the younger runs out of gold in which to make gold plates, switches to silver plates with jewels. Laban rescues Laban the younger through trickery and bluffery. Laban and Laban the younger travel in the wilderness for three days and three nights. Laban finds Eledekiah's buried treasure. They travel to Jerusalem with their riches, build a home, and acquire new identities. Laban purchases the brass plates from the brother of Shim. [A little before 600 B.C.] Laban the younger skips over much of his childhood to preserve plate space. Laban the younger meets Nephi, they become childhood friends. Lehi starts a religious cult, begins preaching in the streets. Laban the younger rescues Nephi from bullies, teaches Nephi about weight training, and helps Nephi build self-esteem. Nephi is not interested in women. Laban the younger thinks Nephi might be gay. Nephi denies being gay. Laban beholds a large chested woman. Vows to learn the secret combination of her chastity belt. Nephi warns Laban about the evils of secret combinations. [Between 600 and 592 B.C.]
Laban the younger dreams of a magical tree with white fruit, his stiff rod, a naked woman, the big breasted girl from the streets, and lesbians. He claims this to be a vision of his prophecy being fulfilled. Nephi calls Laban the younger to repentance for his wicked dream, schedules a meeting with Lehi so Laban can confess his sins and begin the repentance process. [Between 600 and 592 B.C.]
Lehi attempts to teach the gospel to Laban and Laban the younger, chastises Laban the younger for his wickedness. Lehi beholds Laban's brass plates and covets them. Laban challenges Lehi to prove he is a prophet by guessing what number he is thinking. Laban, Laban the younger, and Zoram ponder if god can build a rock so big that even he can't lift it. The paradox of the unstoppable force versus the immovable object is explored. Lehi commands Laban to hand over his brass plates. Laban kicks Lehi out of his home. Lehi's family disappears. The neighborhood throws a party to celebrate the disappearance. [Between 600 and 592 B.C.]
Laban the younger makes love to the girl with the large chest, fulfilling his prophecy. Laban the younger wakes up to his father's head in his bed. Zoram and the plates are missing. A maverick Jerusalem Detective investigate the murder-robbery-kidnapping. Bureaucratic red tape hampers the investigation for many years. [Between 600 and 592 B.C.]
Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez frustrated by bureaucratic red tape. Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez is the son of Judge Abitch. Laban now calls him the son of Abitch to preserve plate space. Judge Abitch finds a loop hole to the jurisdiction problem. [Between 600 and 592 B.C.]
Laban loses the sixteen plates describing the trial, tries to use a magic rock, but it doesn't work, he makes an abridgement upon stones. Nephi is tried in absentia for the murder of Laban. The Jury deliberates for only 5 minutes and convicts Nephi of murder - the fastest conviction in history. Laban is deputized. [Between 600 and 592 B.C.]
Laban the younger seeks out Nephi with the son of Abitch, travel in wilderness, interrogate Asian whores in Nahom. The son of Abitch has a gut feeling that Nephi and his family will attempt to escape by sea. [About 590 - 589 B.C.]
Laban the younger and the son of Abitch travel in the wilderness in the direction of the Red Sea, discover Nephi's family preparing to set sail, run to catch them, but just miss. They see a campfire on Mount Abitch and investigate. [About 590 - 589 B.C.]
Laban the younger, the son of Abitch, and the whores prepare for their journey upon the sea. They gather supplies and build three barges based on the revolutionary boat design of Yi Ping's father. The first two barges sink, but the third one is the charm. [About 590 - 589 B.C.] |
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