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THE FIRST BOOK OF LABAN HIS LIFE IN JERUSALEM CHAPTER 14 Laban the younger, the son of Abitch, and the whores prepare for their journey upon the sea. They gather supplies and build three barges based on the revolutionary boat design of Yi Ping's father. The first two barges sink, but the third one is the charm. [About 590 - 589 B.C.] 1. And it came to pass that we did pack our supplies for our trip to the beach so as to build a boat and continue our pursuit of Nephi. 2. And the whores carried with them many trunks, and horses, and asses, and livestock, and fowl, and bees, and camping gear, and all manner of food, and even some monkeys. 3. And the son of Abitch spake unto the whores: Behold, what is all this stuff for? For behold, it is that we must move swiftly, so as to catch Nephi, but yea, this shall slow us down. 4. And Yi Ping did answer him: Yea, it is that we have ship building tools in the trunk, yea, even our father's ship building tools. And also do we possess his plans, yea, even his ship designs. And we doth have not a home anymore, for Isaac did evict us, and we do carry all of our possessions, and also it is that we need food and supplies for our journey. 5. And the son of Abitch did say: Yea, whatever, for it is that thou art the ship building experts. 6. And it came to pass that we saddled our asses for the journey back to the beach. And as we did travel, yea, the whores taught unto us of their heritage and from whence they came. 7. And it came to pass that the whores were born in the Eastern country, yea, even an area known as Mongolia. And they did travel to Nahom so as to start their massage parlour business And I did enjoy their company and they did teach me the language of their fathers, and even did they teach me to write in their language, yea even the language of the Asians, which they did call Reformed Asian. 8. And it was that because we traveled not by foot, but instead by ass, yea, we did arrive at the beach in less than a day. 9. And when the time came that we did arrivest at the beach, yea, the son of Abitch spake: Behold, it is that we must get started immediately if we doth hope to catch Nephi's boat. Wherefore, commence gathering materials. 10. And it came to pass that we commenced gathering materials, even tree branches, and other things that thou doth use to buildest a boat. And after the manner in which we gathered materials, yea, we did begin construction. 11. And it came to pass that the boat design which the father of Yi Ping doth write was unique, even exceedingly unique. And because Yi Ping's father was Asian, it doth mean he was good at science, for his plans did call for the boat to be a barge which doth travel above and below the surface, even like unto a submarine. For many sailors do complain that the waves doth slow them down, but this boat shall bypass the wave issue by sailing under them rather than over them. Even shall this boat sail beneath the surface when needed, which thing shall makest it to go faster than boats that doth float over and around big waves. 12. And the plans did call for the boat to be built exceedingly tight, even that it would hold water like unto a dish. Wherefore when it shall travel submerged underwater, yea, it shall also reemerge above water, for because it shall be built tight like unto a dish, the air inside the barge shall be lighter than the water outside, and therefore it shall always come to the surface. And even if the barge be flipped over by the waves, yea, it shall be okay, for it can sail upside down or right side up. 13. And the barge shall have a hole on the top and one on the bottom, with doors to keepest the water out. For that way if the boat doth float upside down, yea, there shall still be a hole for fresh air at the top. 14. And it came to pass that I liketh the plans, even exceedingly, but the son of Abitch was skeptical, for it was that he did think a boat should have a sail. 15. And Yi Ping replied that sails were old fashioned, and this barge was the new style of boats. And the son of Abitch spake back: Okay Yi Ping, for thou art the boat expert, and ye better be right, for I desire not to drown. 16. And I did realize that the boat shall be sealed tight like unto a dish, and wherefore there shall be no light. And I spake that it must needs be that we put windows in the barge so as we shall see, because if the boat shall be tight like unto a dish, no light could enter and we shall see not. But if it is that we puttest in windows, yea, then shall the sun shine through the windows and light the barge and we shall see. 17. And all did likest my idea, and we built the barge according to the father of Yi Ping's instructions, excepteth we did puttest a window in it so as we could see. 18. And it came to pass that we did complete construction in less than three hours, and then did we install a window so as there shall be light. And Yi Ping spake that we must test the prototype before sailing in it, so as to make sure it is safe. And all did thinkest her suggestion to be an exceedingly good suggestion. 19. And it came to pass that Yi Ping retrieved a monkey from her supplies, and did place the monkey in the prototype barge. And after the manner in which the monkey was aboard, yea, we did push the barge out to sea so as to test it. And now I do know why Yi Ping had need to bringest monkeys on this voyage, for it must needs be that we use monkeys to test the barge without risking human life, or livestock. 20. And as we beheld the barge it did float beautifully, for it was built tight like unto a dish. 21. And it came to pass that a wave came upon it, and it went underwater, but quickly re-emerged above water, and bobbed in and out of the water, even like unto a bobber on a fishing line. And we cheered, for the boat did work perfectly, yea, even as Yi Ping's father had envisioned. 22. But then it came to pass that a large wave crashed down on the boat hard, and dashed the window to pieces, and the barge filled with water and did sink, and the monkey perished. 23. And it came to pass that the son of Abitch was exceedingly angry with me, for it was my idea to install a window in the boat. And the son of Abitch did wave his arms, and yell obscenities, and did kick sand. 24. And I spake, saying: Behold son of Abitch, calm thyself., for it was common sense to puttest a window in the barge, for without a window there shall be no light, and we shall travel in utter darkness. Wherefore, doth thou havest a better idea for light? 25. And the son of Abitch said that we should use fire to travel, for fire doth givest off light. And I spake, saying fire is too dangerous, for if the barge be bounced about and flipped upside down, yea, the fire shall be exceedingly dangerous. And also shall the fire use up all the oxygen, wherefore, fire shall be an exceedingly bad idea. And the son of Abitch scratched his head, for the issue of light was an exceedingly pressing issue. 26. Then it was that one of Yi Ping's daughters, yea, even Shu spake, saying: Behold, how about that we use glow rocks? For if we can findest rocks that do shine bright, yea, even bright like unto the sun, and place the shiny rocks in the barge, behold then shall they light the barge like unto light bulbs, then shall we see. 27. And the son of Abitch replied, even with much sarcasm in his voice, and did say: Yi Ping, I knowest not thy daughters can talk and offer ideas, but now I thinkest it better that they shut their mouths, unless it is that they desire to pleasure me, if thou doth know what I mean. 28. And Yi Ping was angry with the son of Abitch, for he spake a crass remark, even about one of her daughters. And Yi ping spake, even in a loud voice: Behold, Son of Abitch, talk not unto Shu that way, for at least she hath an idea. What was the son of Abitch's idea? Fire? Thou would have killed us with such a foolish plan. 29. And the son of Abitch spake, even in an apologetic voice: Yea, sorry am I Yi Ping, for I doth have a short temper, and it is that we are running out of time. Wherefore foregivest me, for I do apologize for the words which I spake out of my mouth. And behold, I do suggest we shall travel in darkness and our eyes shall adjust. Besides, the barge doth have two doors, one on the top and one on the bottom. If we doth desire air and light, we shall open a door. And if it doth come to pass that water rushes in, then shall we close the door quickly and open the other door, even to gettest fresh air and light. Wherefore, it is that I do believest the doors to be good enough. 30. And it came to pass that because time was running out, yea, all agreed with the son of Abitch's idea, and we commenced building a barge without windows, which thing was exactly according to the plans of the father of Yi Ping. And because we built no windows, we did finish the barge in less than two hours. 31. And Yi Ping desired to send another monkey to test it again just in case. But I was worried that Nephi shall get further ahead of us, nevertheless, we decided it shall be best to test, for it is better safe than sorry. Wherefore, we did load another test monkey aboard and did push the barge out to sea. 32 And the barge quickly sank, and the monkey died. 33. And all were shocked, and we beheld one another, and I spake: What hath happened? Why is it that the barge did sinketh? For we built no windows, and no waves crashed upon it, and we did buildeth it according to the plans. 34. And the son of Abitch suspected Shu did makest not her section tight like unto a dish as revenge for his crass remark. And he lashed out at Shu, calling her incompetent, and a moron. 35. And I spake up and defended Shu saying: Behold son of Abitch, we know not how the barge sank, for perhaps Yi Ping did forgettest to shut the door when she did load up the test monkey, or perhaps the monkey did open the bottom door, thus letting water rush in. 36. And Yi Ping rebutted my charges saying: Behold Laban, I maketh not a mistake like that, for an idiot I am not. And the monkey could not have opened the port hole door, for monkeys have not the strength nor the intelligence to do the thing that thou doth describe. And we havest only one monkey left for which to test. Wherefore, we must make this third barge a goodly barge. 37. And I replied saying: Well, it is like they say, third time shall be the charm. 38. And the son of Abitch did reply unto me: Behold, Laban, who sayeth that? 39. And I said: I knowest not, for it is just a saying. 40. And the son of Abitch spake: Behold, I doth hope thou art right Laban, for we doth need this third barge to be goodly so as we can commence our journey upon the sea, or we shall catch Nephi not. 41. And it came to pass that we waxed strong building the third barge, even did we wax exceedingly strong, and because of the exceeding strength in which we waxed, yea, we completed the third barge in an hour and a half. And we tested the barge with a monkey, even the last test monkey, and it floated and waves crashed upon it and it sank not, and we were satisfied that it was a goodly barge. 42. And after the manner of successfully testing the barge, yea, we loaded our supplies, and our livestock, and our asses, and even our fowl, and horses, and bees. 43. And after the manner in which we loaded our supplies, yea, we did climbeth aboad, even me and the whores, and the son of Abitch, and the last test monkey, and we set sail in the direction that Nephi went. 43. And thus I close this book, for I do leavest the Old World and travel to the New World. And it is that this is a good spot in my narrative to start a new book. Wherefore, I shall continue the account of my life in the next book, even my second book. 44. Wherefore, I sayeth unto thee, bon voyage. |
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