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CHAPTER 13

Laban the younger and the son of Abitch travel in the wilderness in the direction of the Red Sea, discover Nephi's family preparing to set sail, run to catch them, but just miss. They see a campfire on Mount Abitch and investigate. [About 590 - 589 B.C.]

1. And it came to pass that we did journey into the wilderness in search of our enemies, for I desired vengeance upon Nephi, and the son of Abitch desired to arrest Nephi and return him to Jerusalem so as justice could be served.

2. And it was that we traveled in the wilderness for a long time, yea, even many months did we travel, for the wilderness was exceedingly vast, which thing doth makest it difficult to navigate without a compass, wherefore, we did often gettest lost.

3. And we did finally discover that the sun doth rise in the East and set in the West, yea, and because it did rise in the East and set in the West every day, we could use it to assist us in navigating. And also we did notice that moss doth grow on the north side of tree trunks, which doth assist us in navigating the wilderness during cloudy days.

4. And it came to pass that one day we did discover a hill, and the son of Abitch did desire to givest the hill a name, and he did namest it after his father, yea, even Mount Abitch. And we did endeavor to climbest Mount Abitch so as we could look far away, even into the distance.

5. And we did climbest Mount Abitch, and did discover the Red Sea, and did estimate it to be only a day's journey away.

6. And we did buildeth a camp atop the mountain, and when night came we did see a camp fire far away on the beach, and did we behold a large structure in the moonlight. And we did conclude that the large structure was a ship.

7. And the son of Abitch spake, saying: Yea, it came to pass that my gut feeling was right, as usual. Nephi doth camp on the Red Sea, and doth make plans to escape by boat.

8. And I did suspect the same and said: Yea, we must travel there tonight so as we can arrest Nephi, or kill him.

9. And the son of Abitch did reply: Nay, 'tis too risky, for large beasts do hunt at night, and they do prey on human flesh. Wherefore, we must pitch our tents here and wait until morning. And we shall travel to Nephi's camp tomorrow, and arrest the bastard, for he shall not escape justice.

10. And we did lie down for the night, and did hearest a noise nearby, even rustling in the bushes. And the son of Abitch did thinkest someone did stalk us, but the noise did cease, and I did suggest it to only be an animal, and we did havest shelter, and wherefore, no animal could harm us.

11. And the next morning we did awaken, and did pack our supplies. And it was that we observed the activities far away on the beach, for it did havest the appearance of much activity on the beach. And I did suspect Nephi and his followers did prepare to sail.

12. And we did move swiftly toward the beach, and we did arrive there in eight hours, but wo, we did just miss them, for we beheld Nephi's ship sailing away on the horizon. And I picketh up a rock and cast it into the sea in anger, for we were so close, yet so far away.

13. And the son of Abitch did fall to his knees and did pound his fist into the sand, and he did yell many obscenities, yea, even exceedingly vulgar obscenities that I dare not write upon this record, for I desire to makest this record a family record so as the whole family may enjoy it, and heed its message.

14. And after the space of many minutes, yea, we did determine it was time to return, and we did travel back in the direction from whence we came.

15. And it came to pass that several hours into our journey back, as dusk approached, yea, we beheld Mount Abitch, and did discover a campfire burning atop the mountain.

16. And the son of Abitch did turn to me, and did say: Young Laban, is it that thou puttest not out the fire? For the act of not extinguishing the fire is an exceedingly reckless act, for thou couldest have burned down the entire wilderness.

17. And I did reply unto the son of Abitch: Behold, son of Abitch, I knowest not that it is my job to puttest out the fire, but yea, nevertheless I do knowest that I did, for I do distinctly remember pouring water on the fire until it went out, and even after the fire was extinguished, yea, I did pourest even more water on the fire pit while stirring it with a stick so as to makest sure there did remain no red coals. Wherefore, I was exceedingly diligent in extinguishing our campfire.

18. And the son of Abitch did rub his chin, and did reply unto me: Yea, I did fear thou wouldest say that, for this doth mean one thing, it is that we are being followed, and my instincts were correct, as usual, for I did knowest that the noise we did hear last night, even the noise that was in the bushes was the noise of someone following us, even an enemy from Jerusalem or Nahom who doth seek to cause us much affliction. Wherefore, we must to sneak up on our stalker, and takest him by surprise.

19. And I did reply: Yea, would it not be easier to simply runnest away from him and return to Nahom.

20. And the son of Abitch did say: Nay, for he shall continue stalking us, and perhaps he desires to kill us, but we do havest the upper hand now, for we doth know where it is that he is, and shall turnest the tables on him, wherefore, follow me.

21. And we did travel in the direction of the campfire, even toward the top of Mount Abitch, and we did arrivest there by nightfall.

22. And we did come upon the camp sneakily, and did discover many horses, and cattle, and other supplies which did belongest to our persecutors, and which things were secured around the perimeter of the camp. And we beheld the outline of four people who did gatherest around the campfire to keepest warm. And it was that they were foreigners, for they did speak in a strange dialect, for we understood not what they did speak.

23. And the son of Abitch did believe with every fiber of his being that they conspired against us, and he did pickest up a stick, yea, even an exceedingly large stick and then did he say unto me: Yea Laban, it is that we shall find much use for these horses. Wherefore, I shall come upon our stalkers, and shall beat the sneaky bastards with this stick, during which time thou shalt steal their horses, and we shall meet up at the big oak tree which is at the base of the mountain.

24. And I spake unto the son of Abitch: Yea, is it not that thou art an officer of the law? How is it that thou can stealeth horses and beat people with sticks? For that doth seem exceedingly hypocritical unto me.

25. And the son of Abitch did reply: Thou art hypocritical for chastising me, Laban, for I doth know thou desires to murder Nephi.

26. And I did reply: Yea, but it is that I am not an officer of the law. Wherefore, I am not a hypocrite for desiring to murder and cause harm unto another, but it is that thou art a hypocrite.

27. And the son of Abitch did say: Nay, it is that the law doth not exist in these parts. Wherefore, horse thievery and battery shall not be punishable crimes. And it is that I desire not to murder our stalkers, but to simply sendeth them a message, which is to stop following us.

26. And I did reply: Why do we not simply steal their horses? Why doth thou find it necessary to beat them with that large stick?

27. But the son of Abitch heard me not, for he did already move through the shadows toward the four figures around the campfire. And I did know that soon he shall commence beating them. Wherefore, I did speedily attempt to untie the horses so as to steal them.

28. And it came to pass that after the space of less than a minute I did hearest a scream, even an exceedingly loud scream, and much commotion. And it was that I did desire to run away, but yea, I could not makest myself to leave, and I did instead run toward the campfire, even did I move swiftly, and when I did reach the campfire, yea, I did behold the four figures standing and talking to the son of Abitch.

29. And it came to pass that as I did approach the scene I did recognize the four stalkers to be Yi Ping and her three daughters. And Yi Ping was chastising the son of Abitch, who did still hold the large stick.

30. And the son of Abitch did say unto Yi Ping: Behold Yi Ping, it is that I am sorry, for I did thinkest thee to be enemies who doth stalk us, please forgive me of my trespass.

31. And Yi Ping did say unto the son of Abitch: Who doth thee thinkest are thine enemies? Thou art exceedingly paranoid. Wherefore, puttest down that stick before somebody doth gettest hurt, for it is that my daughters are exceedingly frightened of thee.

32. And the son of Abitch did obey Yi Ping's command, and he did drop the stick.

33. And I spake unto Yi Ping saying: Yi Ping, what is it that ye and thy daughters art doing here?

34. And Yi Ping replied: Yea, it came to pass that after we spake unto thee, and did understand Laman and Lemuel doth escape payment of their bill, it was that I came upon Isaac, who is our landlord. And I spake unto Isaac, and pleaded mightily with him saying that I could pay him not, for my biggest clients doth skip out on their bill. But wo be unto us, for Isaac hath no compassion, and doth care only about profits, for he doth say that if it is that I cannot pay him within twenty-four hours, yea, then shall we be evicted. Wherefore, we haddest a one-day-only sale on our services in an attempt to raise the funds necessary to payest our rent to Isaac, and it was that we waxed strong in our skills, but wo, had not the time to raise the necessary funds, and we getteth evicted. Wherefore, we did gatherest up all our possessions, for we are now homeless, and we do travel here, for we knowest that ye shall be here, and we do still makest unto thee an offer -- our services in exchange for thou letting us accompany thee on thy voyage. For we do thirst after revenge, and desire to killeth Laman and Lemuel for causing our business to fail, and for us to suffer many afflictions.

35. And the son of Abitch spake: Nay, 'tis too late, for Nephi and his family hath sailed, and it is that we shall never catch them, for he doth have a one day head start.

36. And Yi Ping did reply: Behold, we can buildest thee an exceedingly fast boat, yea, even a boat that shall overtake Nephi. And we do havest plans with us, yea, even our father's exceedingly great plans for a new boat design, for he did enjoy designing boats, even did he design a boat that can be built in less than a day, and that doth travel exceedingly fast.

37. And it was that the son of Abitch and I did looketh at one another, and we did slowly smile, for we both have a thirst for adventure, and we did both agree that we shall buildest the fast boat of Yi Ping's father so as we can pursue Nephi on the open sea.

38. And we looketh upon Yi Ping and her daughters, and the son of Abitch spake: Behold whores, thou doth havest a deal, but yea, this better to be a goodly boat, for it is that I havest a fear of sailing off the edge of the earth. Wherefore, we must capture Nephi quickly before it is that we sail too far away from land.

39. And Yi Ping did reply: Fear not, son of Abitch, for my father's boat design is exceedingly unique, thou shalt see. And my plan shall work, for I givest thee my word. Nevertheless, nightfall hath come, wherefore, it is that we must rest for the night, and gettest an early start in the morning.

40. And it came to pass that we did all lie down and sleep. And I did havest a wonderful dream, even did I dream of Nephi drowning in a pool of blood.

41. And thus concludes the thirteenth chapter of my narrative.

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