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CHAPTER 9

Laban the younger makes love to the girl with the large chest, fulfilling his prophecy. Laban the younger wakes up to his father's head in his bed. Zoram and the plates are missing. A maverick Jerusalem Detective investigate the murder-robbery-kidnapping. Bureaucratic red tape hampers the investigation for many years. [Between 600 and 592 B.C.]

1. And it came to pass that Laman did confront my father during the party. And he did make a mockery of himself begging my father to give him his brass plates. And Laman spake unto my father saying: Please Laban, for I beg of thee. If I return not with thy brass plates, my father shall kill me. Ye know this to be true, for when he commanded us to return for the plates, he did have that crazy look in his eye. Please givest me the plates and sparest my life. I beg of thee please.

2. And my father calleth upon the soldiers, and the soldiers cast Laman out of the house.

3. And it came to pass that good progress was I making with the girl with the large chest, for she did arrive at the party, and she did look fine unto mine eyes. And I spake unto her asking: Why was it that ye were offended when I did compliment thee in the streets, yea, why did thou callest me a pig and a dog?

4. And the girl with the large chest gave unto me a playful smile and replied unto me saying: Yea, I doth not want anyone to know me as a harlot, and I do fight my tendencies to want to be a harlot, for I often desire to know a man, yea, even to know him that special way, but I fight the urge, for it is an abomination to act as a harlot. Wherefore, I must pretend to be chaste so as not to be stoned to death. Nevertheless, I know ye already suspect the truth, and I doth know that thou enjoys harlots, and seek not to stone me to death for my desires, for a harlot I am, only I take no money, for I shall enjoy being a harlot as a hobby. And I stand before thee this evening, proud of my filthy desires, and I shall reveal my harlot skills unto thee tonight.

5. And I did rejoice at the news, and did jump for joy, for the girl with the large chest doth confirm what I suspect, yea, even did she confirm that all women are harlots, they just knoweth it not. And they do need men like me to teach this thing unto them. And I did take the girl with the large chest by the hand, and did lead her to my bed chambers, and I did fornicate her with my schlong for the space of many minutes, and afterwards did we fall asleep, and we did sleep for many hours.

6. And it came to pass that something did awaken me, for I felt something warm and sticky at my feet and legs, even as if someone had spilled syrup in my bed. And I beheld blood on my pajamas. Then did I lookest down and see much blood at my feet, and did I pulleth back my sheets, and beheld much more blood, and also did I behold a round object. And these things confounded my senses, and caused me to become disoriented.

7. And it came to pass that I did pickest up the bloody object, and beheld it. And when I beheld the thing that was in my bed, yea, I did let out a cry, even a loud cry that did awaken the whole house, for the object was my father's severed head which somebody did choppest off his body, and place in my bed so as to send a message unto me.

8. And attached to my father's head was a note. And I did pull the note from my father's head. And written upon the note were the words: THANKS FOR THE PLATES.

9. And it came to pass that the girl with the large chest did awaken too, and did let out a scream when she beheld the head. And I did call out for Zoram, but he answered me not. And the soldiers did hear my scream, and did come upon my bed chambers. And when the soldiers beheld the head of my father, yea, they became exceedingly alarmed and did commence searching the home.

10. And shortly after the soldiers began searching they did locate a body, and they did suspect it to be the body of my father, for the body did have a bottle of wine in its hand, yea, even my father's favorite brand of wine.

11. And it came to pass that the body that the soldiers did find was also naked, save it was wearing underwear, yea even my father's underwear.

12. And also was the body missing a head.

13. And it was obvious unto all that the body was that of my father's.

14. And whosever did this thing unto my father, yea, did also steal his clothes and his sword. And because of the note that was attached to my father's head, yea, we did search my father's treasury for the plates, and soon we did discover my father's plates were missing, as was his faithful and hardworking servant, Zoram.

15. And it came to pass that I did suspect Lehi in the killing of my father, for he did covet my father's plates, even in that special way, and he did threaten my father's life, and wherefore did he have motive.

16. And it came to pass that a Jerusalem detective, whose name was Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez, did soon after arrive to investigate the murder. And Detective Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez did interview many witnesses, and did search the home for evidence, and did begin putting the pieces together. And as I beheld his work, yea, I did understand that my friend Nephi was the prime suspect.

17. And it came to pass that many witnesses spake unto Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez saying that Nephi and his brothers did come upon the party, even did they come after Laman was removed, and while I was fornicating the girl with the large chest.

18. And the witnesses did cite their minds backward to the time of the party, and many did remember what did happen, for Nephi did chastise my father, and did tempt my father with much gold and silver and precious things, and did command my father to give unto them the brass plates in exchange for their gold, and silver, and precious things.

19. But my father did command them to leave from his sight and never return. And after the manner by which my father did defy Nephi, and did order him removed, yea, Nephi did threaten my father, saying unto him that he was a dead man. And the threats that Nephi spake did anger my father, and therefore my father did order his soldiers to remove Nephi and his brothers from his home. And the soldiers did chase Nephi and his brothers out of the home, but did catch them not. 

20. And many witnesses did testify that they beheld my father a few hours later, but he did look funny, yea, even did he have much blood on his clothes, and he did have on his head different colored hair, and did look exceedingly young, and also did my father havest much muscle, and also was he ripped, and many witnesses did say my father lookest exceedingly similar to Nephi, save it be for his clothes, but his face did lookest exceedingly like that of Nephi, and his voice did sound exceedingly like that of Nephi.

21. And this did anger me much, for Nephi did killest my father, and puttest on his clothes, and did trick all the people at the party. And through this trickery, yeah, Nephi was able to secure my father's brass plates. And it was that I was angry and did chastise the servants and the soldiers in a loud voice for being so foolish and gullible as to fall for Nephi's trickery, for his plan to disguise himself as my father was exceedingly silly, for he did lookest nothing like my father. And because Nephi's lame trick did work, behold, I was exceedingly angry with the soldiers.

22. And I did continue to chastise those who did nothing to stop Nephi, and I did command the detective to find Nephi and arrest him.

23. And it came to pass that Detective Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez did command me to be quiet, for he did have a job to do and I was making it exceedingly difficult unto him. And he spake unto me saying: Worry not, son of Laban, for we shall capture thy father's killer, I givest thee my word.

24. And I did lookest into the eyes of Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez, and I beheld he was sincere, and I thanked him for his efforts.

25. And it came to pass that Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez did place his hand on my shoulder and did say: This crime against thy father is a most heinous crime, even among the most heinous I have yet investigated. And I do track down criminals, even with a vengeance, for I believest violent criminals to be a disease, and yea, I am the cure, if thee doth know what I mean.

26. And I did nod in understanding, and respect, for Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez did look and act not like any other detective, for he did have stubble on his face, and did carry himself with much confidence, and it did seem as if he could take on any criminal and win, for he was exceedingly tough.

27. And Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez did find it necessary to use coarse language, yea, especially did he likest the word 'bastard' to describe those whom he doth hate, for he did callest criminals and suspects 'bastards' even if it was that they did havest a father. And also did Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez likest the word 'scrotum', but yea, 'bastard' was his favorite curse word and insult.

28. And it came to pass that I did likest Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez exceedingly, for it was obvious unto me that he did mean business, and he did have no tolerance for criminals. And I did knowest, yea, even with every fiber of my being, that justice shall be done with this detective on the case.

29 And Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez spake unto me: Behold, son of Laban, only a truly evil bastard could commit such a heinous crime. Therefore, I shall hunt down thy father's killer, and I shall capture him alive, if possible, so as we can execute him publicly for all to see, but if he doth resist, yea, I may find it necessary to killest him. Wherefore, either way it shall come to pass that I shall capture the sick, beheading bastard - dead or alive.

30. And as Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez did finish his speech, yea, a soldier did summon us outside, for he did discover something of exceeding interest, even did he uncover a clue.

31. And all did gather outside, and we beheld a message, yea even a message scribbled in the dirt, even did it have the appearance of being written with much haste. And  the message did sayeth: NEPHI KILLEST LABAN TAKEST HIS CLOTHES KIDNAP ME STEAL PLATES. The message was signed: ZOR.

32. And it was obvious unto all that Zoram was sending us a message, and it was obvious unto all that Nephi didest murder my father and stealeth his plates and kidnappeth Zoram. Nevertheless, Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez did findest it necessary to gather physical evidence before it is that he shall jump to conclusions.

33. And it came to pass that Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez did kneel before the message, and did run his fingers in the crevices that the words did create in the dirt. Then did he lift his fingers to his nose so as to smell the dirt that was on his finger. Then did he touch his finger to his tongue, to test the flavor of the dirt.

34. And all did watch the detective work, for his methods were fascinating unto us. And Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez did concentrate hard for several minutes before he did announce: The person whosoever did writest this message in the dirt did havest wine on his fingers, also the hint of urine.

35. And I did reply: Yea, Zoram did serve the drinks last night, even did he serve much wine. And yea, my father doth always complain that Zoram doth wash not his hands after using the bathroom.

36. And Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez did nod his head and say: Yea, thy servant Zoram did writest this message. Wherefore, he hath literally fingered Nephi as the culprit. Wherefore, it is that Nephi is the prime suspect, and I shall hunt him down.

37. And it came to pass that I spake unto Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez: Behold, I desire to rip off Nephi's stones and shovest them down his throat. Wherefore, findest him and deliver him unto me so as I can do this thing which I so desire.

38. And Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez did place his hand upon my shoulder and spake: Behold, Son of Laban, I shall not lettest thee down, for crime is a disease, and I am the cure. I shall findest thy father's killer, even the bastard Nephi, I promise thee, and Jerusalem shall have justice, and thou shalt have closure.

39. And it came to pass that Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez did givest me much hope, but yea, as time went on the leads did begin to grow cold, for no ransom note for Zoram did appear, and Lehi's home did remain abandoned and none saw him or his family.

40. And I did visit Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez at his office every day of the investigation, but wo be unto me, for he doth make no progress.

41. And I did suggest that he search for clues outside the city of Jerusalem, yea, even in the wilderness, for I did havest a feeling that Nephi and his family were hiding out in the wilderness.

42. And Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez spake unto me saying he had not jurisdiction to search the wilderness, yea, only did he have jurisdiction to search Jerusalem. And the wilderness had no laws, and if they did escapest to the wilderness, nothing could he do, for the laws of Jerusalem extended not to the wilderness.

43. And even if Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez did havest jurisdiction to search out the wilderness, yea, he had not the man power, for Jerusalem was a large city, and many crazy people did live there, and he was kept exceedingly busy investigating crimes, and fighting criminals.

44. And after much time did pass, even many years, I did visit Moriantum-Ala-Soditardswez less frequently, for I did begin to lose hope, and did believest my father shall receive no justice, which thing doth make me exceedingly sad. Wherefore, I did desire to take justice into mine own hands, for it was obvious unto me that Nephi was hiding in the wilderness. And I did makest plans to seek out Nephi in the wilderness and destroy him.

45. And this doth commence the ninth chapter of my story.

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