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CHAPTER 8

Lehi attempts to teach the gospel to Laban and Laban the younger, chastises Laban the younger for his wickedness. Lehi beholds Laban's brass plates and covets them.  Laban challenges Lehi to prove he is a prophet by guessing what number he is thinking. Laban, Laban the younger, and Zoram ponder if god can build a rock so big that even he can't lift it. The paradox of the unstoppable force versus the immovable object is explored. Lehi commands Laban to hand over his brass plates. Laban kicks Lehi out of his home. Lehi's family disappears. The neighborhood throws a party to celebrate the disappearance. [Between 600 and 592 B.C.]

1. And it would that I should commence the next chapter, yea, even the eighth chapter of my narrative, even my exceedingly excellent narrative.

2  And it came to pass that Lehi and Nephi did journey to our house at the time that was appointed, and we did exchange small talk before such time that Lehi commenced to explain his church and his teachings unto us.

3. And when it came time for Lehi to begin the lessons, yea, he spake unto us saying: Verily, verily I say unto thee, we can all agree that we should follow god's commandments, yea? And god doth speak through his servants even from the days of Adam, is that not correct? Yea, of course it is correct. Thou doth knowest these things to be correct because thou art good people and wherefore endeavor to please god. And many prophets have there been, even Noah, and Moses.

4. And it came to pass that Lehi continued explaining his church unto us, and he did show unto us many pictures of the prophets of old, and temples, and did say unto us that he too is a prophet, and god hath called upon him to preach the gospel. And Lehi did predict that Jerusalem would be destroyed if all would not repent. Wherefore, Lehi spake unto my father and challenged him to repent. Then did Lehi say unto us that the only way to truly follow god was to join his church, and sustain him as a prophet of god.

5. And Lehi spake unto us: Behold, follow me, for there is no other way.

6. And my father listened to the words of Lehi's mouth with much amusement, for he believeth not Lehi to be a prophet. Nevertheless, he did find him amusing. And my father spake unto Lehi saying unto him that he possessed certain brass plates which were said to contain the word of god, and the record of the Jews. And my father did explain unto Lehi that he did keepest the brass plates as a collector's item, like unto his statues and gold idols, for my father doth collect many antiquities as a hobby.

7. And it came to pass that when Lehi hearest the words of my father's mouth, yea, even my father's description of the brass plates, Lehi's eyes did light up and grow wide, like unto a child who doth smell cookies. And he did beg of my father to show unto him the plates, yea, even the plates of brass. And my father did find much pleasure in showing off his possessions, for my father did have much pride. Wherefore, my father did snap his fingers. And when it was that my father did snap his finger, yea, Zoram, his servant, did emerge, for the snapping of my father's fingers was the signal that Zoram must come.

8. And my father spake unto Zoram saying: Zoram, bringeth unto me the brass plates.

9. And it came to pass that Zoram did go and do the thing that my father commanded, and he did retrieve the brass plates from my father's treasury. And when Zoram did return with my father's brass plates, yea, Lehi beheld them with envy in his eyes. And he did examine them, and run his fingers over them, and did think them to be the word of god. And when Lehi runneth his fingers over the plates, yea, he did lickest his lips, and his robe did lift in front.

10. And Lehi was desirous to possess my father's plates. And he spake unto my father saying: Laban, it is wisdom in me that ye givest unto me the plates. And if you do this thing I command of thee, yea, I shall givest unto thee anything thou wishes, yea, even much gold and silver and precious things.

11. And my father did hear Lehi's plea, and did takest the plates from Lehi's hands, and spake unto Lehi, saying: Behold, I thinkest it best for me to takest my plates back to my treasury, for the plates which ye desire are not for sale. For behold, Lehi, I do collect many rare and precious things, but if ye shall look outside, ye shall see that I have not a sign on my door, nor a sign in my yard that doth say 'Laban's Market.' For even though it is that I am a Jew, I seeketh not to makest a profit from these plates. Wherefore, the plates be not for sale. But behold, I simply desire fine things, and rare things, and I desire to keepest these plates in my family, and for Laban the younger to possess them when I die, for they shall become like unto a family heirloom.

12. And the words of my father's mouth did anger Lehi, for he doth thinkest me and my father unworthy to possess the plates.

13. And Lehi spake unto me, and challenged me saying: My son Nephi spake unto me that thou did havest a dream, yea, even a dream of the most vile wickedness, like unto the wicked men of the world. And even did thou spill thy seed upon thy bed sheets, which thing is an abomination. Wherefore, the Lord hath spoken unto me concerning these things, and hath said thou art in the clutches of the adversary and must repent or ye shall be utterly destroyed. And the Lord doth desire me to have the plates, and doth desire to prevent the plates from remaining in thy filthy hands. For if they do, yea, the adversary shall score a great victory over mankind, for 'tis better for one man to givest up his plates, than an entire nation to dwindle in unbelief. Wherefore, givest unto me the plates, for I am the lord's servant, yea, even his prophet. And inasmuch as I am the prophet of god, I must have the word of god, for how shall the prophet of god teach the things of god without the written word of god?

14. And I sayeth unto Lehi: Yea, Lehi, why are my dreams thy business, for if god doth have a problem with me, why doth he go to thee? Why has he not come to me? For it seems that if god doth have a problem with me, he can take it up with me personally. I need no middle man.

15. And Nephi, who did remain quiet until now, did finally speak up and did sayeth: Yea Laban, it is unwise to challenge the counsel of the lord's prophet. Wherefore, ye should hearken unto the words of my father, and humble thyself to his teachings, and contend not with him. For when my father speaks, the debate is over.

16. And Lehi, being exceedingly skilled in the art of debate, even was he a master debater, spake, saying: 'Tis okay Nephi, for young Laban doth ask a reasonable question, and I do havest an answer. Behold young Laban, ye doth asketh a good question. Why doth god not come to thee personally? Verily thus sayeth the lord, ye have not faith, ever art thee an infidel, and ye art stiff necked, and a sinner.

17. And Lehi continued speaking insults unto me: Behold, young Laban, it is obvious unto me that thy body and mind are polluted by the vile filth of the world, for only a polluted soul could havest a dream like unto the dream thou did havest. Wherefore, god cannot comest unto thee with thy polluted soul, and he did find it necessary to come unto me, for I am clean, and pure, and the lord's anointed, even am I god's mouthpiece, and the lord doth communicate through me. And the lord doth desire thee to repent, and be baptized, and follow me. These things I know for the lord spake them unto me. Nevertheless, perhaps someday thou shalt be allowed to speak to god like unto me. For behold, as thou art, I once was, and as I am thou may become, if ye doth follow my teachings, and obey me.

18. Now it came to pass that my father, being not a religious man, doth not believe in magical things, nor doth he believe in prophets, or witchcraft, or priestcraft, or wizardry, or sorcery, for my father knowest that Eledekiah's magic did fail, and my mother did die. And he had yet to see a wizard, or sorcerer, or prophet perform magic that was not like unto a stage trick. And he doth remember hundreds of pretend prophets who did yell and scream in the streets, and act like unto a diseased animal, and  my father did always laugh at them. Wherefore, my father doth not think much of Lehi or his threats.

19. And my father, being a busy man, for he had many responsibilities, and inasmuch as he was desirous to remove the religious leader from his home, my father spake back to Lehi: Behold Lehi, I doth not like the way ye chastise my son. Wherefore, if thou so be a prophet, than shalt thou manifest it unto me, for a prophet doth have the gift of magic. Wherefore, it is that I am thinking of a number between one and ten. If ye can guess what number I do think of, than shall I believest thee to be a prophet, and have the gift of magic.

20. And Lehi rebuketh my father saying: Wo be unto those who doth challenge the lord's prophet, for ye seek to trick me, for if it is that when I choose the correct number, ye shall say I did not. Wherefore, I shall not fall into they trap. And ye sayest I claim to havest the gift of magic, but I only claim to havest the power of god on my side, which thing is far more powerful than any magic. Nevertheless, I do also have the gift of discernment, and could guess the number if I did so desire. Nevertheless, because ye shall attempt to trick me, I shall not play thy games.

21. And my father did answer Lehi saying: I seek not to trick thee, for ye doth accuse me of trickery, which accusation is an offense unto me. Wherefore, it is that ye should depart from my house.

22. And when Lehi had seen that he caused offense unto my father, and did risk being removed from my father's house, yea, he did change his tone, and plead unto my father for forgiveness, and humbly spake unto my father: Behold Laban, I do apologize for thinking thou would desire to trick me, for many do attempt to trick me, and I am wary of it. For it was that yesterday I was preaching to a crowd in the streets, and a boy did asketh me if god could makest a stone so large, that even he could not lift it. And when the boy did asketh me this question, all did look upon me for an answer. And I could answer not, for the boy did offer up an impossible paradox that I could resolve not, even after studying it out in my mind. And when the boy knew that he had confounded me, and did twist my teachings so as to use them against me, yea, he did smirk, and I did knowest that he did trickest me on purpose so as to makest me look foolish. And I did chastise him for attempting to trick the lord's prophet. And when I did chastise him, the boy did pickest up a rock and did throwest it at me, and it did cause me to fall off my platform. And the crowd did laugh, and the boy did raise his arms in victory. Wherefore, I accept challenges no more.

23. And Nephi replied: Yea, the words that my father doth say are true, for I did witness it, and it did sadden me.

24. And it came to pass that after hearing the story that Lehi spake, I did thinkest the boy's question was an exceedingly good question. Wherefore I did ask Lehi: Behold, Lehi, since it is that thou doth talk with god, did thee findest out if he can makest a rock so big that even he could not lift it? For I do thinkest that to be a good question.

25. And Lehi did answer me: Why, young Laban? Why doth thou thinkest it to be a good question? For it is a silly question, and hath no purpose but to confound the faithful, for what doth it matter what the answer shall be to that silly question, for if the answer be 'yea', it doth mean god is good at building but bad at lifting. And if the answer by 'nay', it doth mean god is good at lifting, but bad at building. And I do knowest with all my heart that god be not bad at anything, for he can do anything he doth want. Wherefore, there is no answer to that question, and we must simply have faith, for we shall findest out the answer when we die.

26. Now, after it was that Lehi spake these things, then did my father snap his fingers and callest out for Zoram, his servant, again. And it was that Zoram did emerge, saying: Behold, sire, what is wanted of thee?.

27. And my father spake unto Zoram, and did ask: Yea Zoram, if god can makest anything in the world, and can lifteth anything in the world, then can god makest a rock so big that even he can't lift it?

28. And Zoram did rub his chin for a few minutes, for he doth think exceedingly hard, and then he did answer: That doth be a good question, and it doth appear to have not an answer, for if the answer be 'yea', it doth mean god is good at building but bad at lifting. And if the answer by 'nay', it doth mean god is good at lifting, but bad at building. Wherefore, the premise is flawed, for god cannot be an all-powerful lifter, and an all-powerful builder at the same time. He is one or the other, but not both.

29. And I replied unto Zoram, and did say: Yea, but Zoram, is it not possible for one person to be all powerful at more than one thing? For 'tis a paradox if talking of two people, but not one, for if a wizard doth fight a sorcerer, and the wizard was good at spells, even the best spell caster ever, and could conjure a spell to defeat anything, but the sorcerer was good at defense, even the best at defense, and could defend against any spell, who shall win in such a battle? For it is the paradox of the unstoppable force versus the immovable object. Is it possible to have a winner in such a circumstance? Or is it that such a scenario is a myth?

30. And Lehi did lookest upon me and did sayest: What doth that have to do with anything? Behold, we are sidetracked and must get back to the main subject.

31. And it came to pass that my father ignored Lehi, for he was fascinated by my thoughts, even my exceedingly deep thoughts. Wherefore, my father said: Yea son, I do understand the paradox, for if the wizard and sorcerer do fight, yea, there would have to be a winner. Wherefore, there is no such thing as an unstoppable force, nor an immovable object.

32. And Zoram did say: But if god shall be both an immovable object and an unstoppable force, yea, he is a paradox within himself.

33. And I did reply unto Zoram: Nay, thy logic is flawed, Zoram, for god can have both characteristics and it shall not be a paradox, for god shall never attempt to defeat himself. Wherefore, it be not a paradox. However, if god doth battle a wizard, even a wizard who can buildest the biggest of rocks, even rocks that can crush anything, and if god cannot be crushed by any rock, yea, that shall be a paradox only when they do battle.

34. And Zoram replied: Yea, unless it is that a sorcerer who doth defeat rocks shall be on god's team, for then shall it be two against one, and two doth always defeat one.

35. And I did answer: Yea, thou doth makest a good point there, Zoram.

36. And Lehi did reply: No, that doth not be a good point, for it is that we did gettest way off track. Wherefore, we shall return to the lesson material. Now, why doth thou thinkest that god would give us prophets, even in this dispensation?

37. And my father spake, saying: Yea Lehi, before ye doth continue thy lesson I do havest one more question for Zoram. Yea Zoram, I am thinking of a number between one and ten, what is it that it is?

38. And Zoram did rub his chin, and did say: Behold, sire, if I had to maketh a guess, I would guess five.

39. And my father did reply: Nay, the answer is seven. But I am curious why thou did pickest five?

40. And Zoram did say: It did seem like a good guess, for it was half-way between one and ten, and therefore I did determine that even if it was that I was wrong, yea, I would be close.

41. And Lehi did put his head in his hands, and did rub his temples with his fingers, for it did appear that Lehi did havest a headache.

42. And my father spake unto Zoram: I thankest thee, Zoram, for thy honesty, for ye did just givest Lehi a good lesson.

43. And Lehi did lift his head, and beheld my father with much confusion in his face, and did say: Yea Laban, what lesson doth thou suppose thy servant did givest unto me?

44. And my father did reply: Yea, Lehi, Zoram did givest good answers to my questions, even honest answers, for he did makest no excuse for why he did get the answer wrong. Wherefore, if it is that I shall follow a prophet, I would choose Zoram over thee, for thou art exceedingly bad at being a prophet.

45. And when my father did finish saying this insult unto Lehi, Lehi did quietly puttest away his lesson materials. Then did he stand and say unto us: I feel a dark presence here, for this home is cursed, yea, even is it cursed with wickedness. And the adversary doth throw fiery darts at me when I dwell in this dark home, for I did cast my pearls before swine, which thing I do regret. Nevertheless, the lord never said it would be easy, only did he say it would be worth it. Wherefore, I shall take the brass plates and leave. And the day shall come when thou shalt beg me for forgiveness, and thy pride shall be replaced with envy, for I have seen the future of Jerusalem, and all who doth not harken unto my words shall be destroyed, or taken into captivity by thine enemies, for the Lord hath revealed this unto me. And I shall watch from afar and chuckle at thy demise.

46. And my father did look at Lehi, even with a most curious look, and spake unto him: What sayeth thee? My ears suggest that thou art planning to take the plates from me and walk out of my house. And this doth cause me to thinkest thou art crazy, for I have many soldiers in my employ, who doth reside here. And they shall strike thee down if ye attempt thievery of my plates.

47. And Lehi replied: Behold Laban, and hearken unto the words of the lord, for the plates belong not unto thee, for they are the word of god. Would ye rob god? Yet, ye seek to rob him by robbing me of the plates, for the plates belong to god. And I, being god's appointed representative during this dispensation, am the rightful owner of the plates. Wherefore, I shall takest god's plates now.

48. And my father did laugh, and spake unto Lehi saying: Lehi, remove thyself from my house before I order thee executed.

49. And Lehi raiseth up his right arm, yea, even did he raise it to the square and spake unto my father saying: Behold, I rebuke thee, and I command thee in the name of Jesus Christ to hand over the brass plates, for if ye do not, ye shall be utterly destroyed, for god shall destroy thee for thy insolence. Wherefore, I make unto thee an offer ye cannot refuse. Yea, verily, verily I say unto thee, give unto me the plates and thou shalt live, but if ye givest not unto me the plates, yea, behold, thou shalt surely die. Wherefore, it is the plates in exchange for thy life. The choice shall be yours, thus sayeth the lord.

50. And my father spake with a loud voice commanding his soldiers to escort Lehi out. And two soldiers lifted Lehi by his ams, and carried him out the front door. And Lehi did yell back to my father: Wo be unto thee, Laban, for thou art making a big mistake, for I made unto thee an offer ye shouldn't have refused. Ye shall regret this. 

51. And it came to pass that Nephi did rise and looketh unto me with anger in his eyes before he did walkest away with his father. And as he did leave our home, he did turn and dust off his feet.

52. And it came to pass that the next day I did go over to Nephi's house in an attempt to patch things up. And I spake unto Nephi in his backyard and apologized for my insensitivities and did promise to respect his religious beliefs. But Nephi rebuffed me and did chastise me for not following the counsel of his father. And Nephi accused me of being hard hearted and did say that I have turned my back on the Lord.

53. And I did joke that never did I face the lord, so how is it that I could turneth my back to him. But Nephi did findest my joke exceedingly unfunny.

54. And then it was that Lehi came upon us and did chastise me more, and did curse me with a sore cursing. And he did tell me that god revealeth unto him my destruction. And he prophesied in the name of the Lord that I would die a most painful death and would be utterly cast down to hell unless it shall come to pass that I bring him my father's brass plates. And if I were to bring him my father's brass plates, yea, he did promise that I would sit at the right hand of god, and god would smile upon me. And I was scared, for Lehi did have a crazy look in his eye. And I did run home and spake these things unto my father.

55. And thus brings us back to the beginning of my narrative, yea even back to the events of chapter one, for my father did advise me to stay away from Lehi. And Lehi was seen preaching in the streets, and children were throwing stones at him and mocking him and egging his home. And the wicked children did conspire to burn a bag of dung on his porch so as to get him to walk through Sariah's clean house with dung on his feet. 

56. And I did defeat the children with my sling, and did save Lehi's family despite his anger toward me and my father, for I did desire to help Nephi and rescue him from the madness of his father, for it is that I am a good person. And I did forgive his father for the hatred he possessed, and did hope he could be changed back to the loving father I knew he could be.

57. And it came to pass that the next day, yea, even the day after I did defeat the wicked children, Lehi's family did disappear, for they were nowhere to be found. And they were gone for the space of many days. And the neighborhood wondered amongst one another where it was that they went. And all did rejoice that Lehi no longer did preach in the streets.

58. And after the space of many days, it was determined that Lehi's family shall not return. And my father did announce a party to celebrate the good news. And a multitude of people did gather at our home to celebrate the disappearance of Lehi's family. And I did meet the girl with the large chest, yea, even the girl that me and Nephi did see in the streets, for she did show up at the party. And we did talk, and she was no longer angry toward me, and I did suspect that my prophecy shall shortly be fulfilled.

59. And I did observe not that my father did havest a visitor, yea, even Nephi's brother Laman had returned and was demanding of my father to give unto him the plates. And this thing was spoken to me later by the soldiers who did witness it.

60. And it may be confusing unto thee that there shall be two Laban's and a Laman in my story, for it doth even cause me confusion when I writest it upon these gold plates because the reformed Asian translation of the names is exceedingly similar. But behold, my father shall soon be dead, after which time I shall be the only Laban in the story, and it shall needs be that thou only needs to not confuse me with Laman, the brother of Nephi, for Laman shall become a bigger character in this epic story. But behold, even though our names sound exceedingly similar, my name has a 'B' in the middle and Laman's name has an 'M'. Wherefore, ye must keep us separate in thy minds, so as not to confuse us one with the other.

61. And thus concludes the eighth chapter, written upon these silver plates with jewels. And now I have run out of silver and jewels, and I must now write upon plain bronze plates. But thinkest not that bronze is not as good as silver or gold, for behold, some may say gold is best, silver is second best, and bronze is third best, but this is only true in sporting events. In the case of this narrative, all metals are equally good. And ye should not worry thyself with the type of metal used, but only concern thyself with the message written upon the metal. Wherefore, adios amigos.

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