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CHAPTER 6

Laban the younger skips over much of his childhood to preserve plate space.  Laban the younger meets Nephi, they become childhood friends. Lehi starts a religious cult, begins preaching in the streets. Laban the younger rescues Nephi from bullies, teaches Nephi about weight training, and helps Nephi build self-esteem. Nephi is not interested in women. Laban the younger thinks Nephi might be gay. Nephi denies being gay. Laban beholds a large chested woman. Vows to learn the secret combination of her chastity belt. Nephi warns Laban about the evils of secret combinations. [Between 600 and 592 B.C.]

1. And it came to pass that I, Laban the younger, shall commence the sixth chapter in my epic story, which I do carve upon these plates, yea, even these silver plates. And it shall be wisdom in me that I must jump ahead in my narrative, for I have much to tell about my childhood, but yeah, I am running low on silver and jewels and am out of gold. Wherefore, if I doth run out of silver and jewels; yea, I may require another metal, unless it is that I hurry up and gettest to the point.

2. Wherefore, it must needs be that I should skippeth over my years as an infant, for not much did happen, and therefore I shall not waste precious plate space on that exceedingly boring story. And yea, even my years as a toddler, when my father teacheth unto me many skills, yea, even that would maketh a great and wonderful chapter. Oh how I wish I could write about that, but yea, I must leave it out of this narrative.

3. And even inasmuch as my years as an adolescent were fun, and brang unto me exceedingly great joy, yea, those years must be skipped, for it is that I havest not enough plate space to include it.

4. And it must needs be that I stop writing about my early childhood, for already do I waste much precious plate space discussing it, yea, even have I wasted a full plate writing about the things in which I cannot write about. Wherefore, it is wisdom in me that I should skip ahead, and focus instead on my teenage years, yea, even the time in which I meetest Nephi, who was the brother of Lemuel, son of Lehi.

5. And it came to pass that my father, being a wealthy and influential man, did giveth unto me many things, but inasmuch as my mother be dead, she could bear him not more children, and inasmuch as Eledekiah’s magic did fail, yea, I remained an only child.

6. And it came to pass that there was, down the street from my home, a family with an abundance of children, yea, even a family which was headed by a patriarch being named Lehi. Now it came to pass that at this time Lehi was a good man, and a normal man, and he had not yet started his church, and there did exist much light mindedness and loud laughter in his home, for his home was a normal home.

7. And it came to pass that one day I walked over to the home of Lehi, and beheld many kids playing in the yard. And I did recognize some from my school, and desired exceedingly to have a large family too, but yea, I did not, which thing makest me exceedingly sorrowful.

8. And Nephi, being about my age, and being a nice boy, did invite me to play. And we became childhood friends and did play much, yea even did we play stickball, and tag, and even did we play hide and seek.

9. And it came to pass that many years later, and even a year or more before the murder of my father, yea, the laughter at Lehi’s home ceased, for the neighbors did murmur exceedingly against Nephi's father, and sayest that Lehi hath gone crazy, and did start a religious cult. And inasmuch as Lehi preaches in the street, yea, he doth speak unto the people who pass by him, and he doth say that god doth speak unto him.

10. And it was around this same time that one day I went to the park, and I beheld two large boys teasing Nephi, and they were bullying him, and I beheld the two bullies did push Nephi to the ground, and did laugh at him, and did callest him a weirdo, and they did kick sand in his face.

11. And I came upon the bullies, yea, even to contend with them. And I spake at them saying: Verily, verily I say unto thee that I stand in defense of my friend Nephi, for whosoever shall challenge him must also challenge me. Therefore, I join his side so as to even things out.

12. And the bullies did look upon me, and one spake unto me saying: This doth concern thee not. Wherefore, go away and leave us to handle our own business, for Nephi is a peculiar boy, yea even like unto his peculiar father. And we shall do unto Nephi as we do unto all peculiar boys, yea, even shall we beat him exceedingly.

13. And it came to pass that after the manner in which the talkative bully doth finish speaking unto me, yea, I spake back at him, saying: Yea, for it would be pleasing unto me for ye to go away and leave Nephi alone, for if ye do not, wo be unto thee, for I shall reign down my fury upon thee, and thou shalt beg for death before it be over.

14. And there was silence for a couple seconds, and then did the bullies point and laugh at me, and the one who spake at me before spake again saying: Whosoever shall speak unto us this way, yea, even with anger in their voice, shall pay the price. For we doth rule this playground, yea, even do we rule as tyrants, for ye must pay us homage, for as we demandeth respect ye giveth us none, and thou thinkest thee to be be strong, but wo be unto thee, for behold, we shall makest thee to prove thy strength unto us. Wherefore, prepare to pay, for we shall beat thee as a man beats his disobedient wife.

15. And because the bullies were exceedingly cocky, and did thinketh themselves to be great fighters, yea, I desired exceedingly to teach unto them a lesson. And I did motion for the bullies to come and try to do unto me the things they threatened to do.

16. And it came to pass that the bullies did lunge at me, yea, even did they come upon me with exceeding anger. But they knowest not that my father did pay for many fighting classes, for unbeknownst to the bullies, I trained hard and long and did have exceedingly great skills, yea, even the reflexes of a tiger and the strength of a lion. And ye know not these things, for I doth skippeth over my training so as to preserve space on these most precious plates. Wherefore, forgive me for skipping over my training, for though it be exceedingly important information, yea, it must needs be that I preserve plate space. Nevertheless, it is true, for I takest many fighting classes.

17. And it came to pass that when I beheld the bullies lunging at me, and knoweth that they desired to cause exceeding harm unto me, yea, I did quickly step back, and with gracefulness like unto a jaguar, I reached out and did grab the sides of their heads, yea even with mine hands, and did smash them together, as if they be two coconuts. And when I doth smash their heads together, yea, their heads did makest a sickening sound, and their eyes did roll back into their heads, and they fell to the ground, for knocked out cold were they.

18. And it came to pass that after the manner in which I defeated the two bullies, yea, I helped Nephi to his feet. And Nephi wept, for he was scared and he was embarrassed for being so weak, yea, even weak like unto a girl. And he spake unto me saying that he is treated badly like this often, yea, ever since his father did start his church. And Nephi spake unto me that sometimes he thinketh that he would be better off not to be alive. And I pleaded unto him not to takest away his own life, for kids be cruel but it must needs be that he ignore it and build his own self esteem.

19. And it came to pass that we walked to Nephi’s house, and did go into Nephi’s bedroom, and when it was that we walked through the living room in the direction of Nephi's bedroom, yea, Laman and Lemuel, being Nephi's mean older brothers, did laugh exceedingly, and mocked us with exceeding cruelty saying: Ha ha, Nephi and Laban doth like to make love one to another, and they do desire to know one another, for that is why they doth sneak into Nephi's bedroom together.

20. And after the manner in which they doth mock us, yea, Laman stood behind Lemuel, and did bend Lemuel over, and did pretend to know Lemuel, even by making a knowing motion with his hips, yea, even like unto that of a male ass on top of a female ass. And Laman continued to mock us, saying: Look, we doth perform a play called 'Laban loves Nephi.'

21. And Laman and Lemuel fell upon the ground in exceedingly loud laughter. 

22. And it came to pass that I was exceedingly angry with Laman, for he, being older than Nephi, should act older. But he doth act exceedingly younger, yea, even doth he act like a little boy who doth thinkest gay acts be funny. But Nephi pretended to hear them not. And we did go into his room, and Laman and Lemuel did always mock us that way. And I did tell Nephi that he must stand up for himself.

23. And Nephi spake unto me saying: Laban, it is that my older brothers always tease me, and because of them it is that I have low self esteem.

24. And it came to pass that I did feel exceedingly bad for my friend, and I did desire to help him, and I spake unto Nephi saying: Behold Nephi, it is that ye must stand up for thyself. When Laman and Lemuel do cause your feelings to hurt, yea, ye must make them pay, for ye must strike them, even with your fists, and strike them hard in the face, and knockest them to the ground so as they cannot get back up, and while they lie on the ground, ye must kick them. If ye do this thing that I teach unto thee, behold, Laman and Lemuel shall bother thee not again.

25. And Nephi did lookest upon me and spake, saying: Nay, Laban, for that would not be Christ like, and it is that I must turn the other cheek. Besides, it is that I cannot fight them, for they are bigger and stronger than me.

26. And I spake unto Nephi saying: Nephi behold, if one does harm unto thee, thou mustn't turn the other cheek, for it is lawful for thee to do harm back, for it is an eye for an eye. And if ye believest thyself to be too weak to get the revenge necessary, yea, I do know how to buildest up thy muscles so as ye can be bigger and stronger than thy brothers. And if it is that ye become bigger and stronger, yea, then shall ye gettest thy revenge, and Laman and Lemuel shall not see it coming, for revenge shall be a dish best served cold.

27. And Nephi's eyes did light up, and he lookest upon me, and did say: Yea Laban, is it that it is possible to makest my muscles bigger? For Laman and Lemuel do say that I shall alway be like unto a weak little girl.

28. And I did reply: Yea, for if it is that if ye lift heavy things, behold they muscles shall grow big. And this thing my father did teach unto me, for he is a goodly father.

29. And Nephi was excited, and he did desire to makest his muscles bigger, and no longer desired to turn the other cheek.

30. And we did travel to my house so as I could show unto him my stone room. And Nephi beheld my set of stones, yea, not the set of stones that women like, but the stones that I lift to buildeth up my muscle strength, and he lookest unto me with wide eyes and sayest unto me: I much desire to have large muscles, but yea, I havest not a set of stones for the building up of muscles.

31. And I spake unto Nephi saying: Behold, Nephi, ye shall come here daily, and we shall exercise our muscles together, for I much desire to have a stone lifting partner.

32. And it came to pass that we did commence our training. And it be wisdom in me that I start Nephi with the littlest rocks, yea, even pebbles, for his arms were thin, yea, even thin like unto little sticks. And I, Laban the younger, did train Nephi for many months, and he did gain much strength and he did lift larger rocks and his muscles did grow and as they grew, yea, he did lift even larger rocks in proportion to his muscle growth, and thus maketh his muscles grow exceedingly large.

33. And Nephi did train every day, and after many months of training, even ten and three quarters months, yea, he was exceedingly huge and ripped. Wherefore, he did look like unto a Greek god, and he did always have a pretty face, even like unto a girl, but now he hath a man’s body and his face remained exceedingly handsome. And many women did look upon Nephi with lust in their eyes.

34. And I did tell Nephi that he can have any woman he desires, but Nephi sayest unto me: Laban, I desire not women’s flesh, yea, for it doth interest me not to lie naked with a woman.

35. And it came to pass that because Nephi did lack interest in women, this thing was exceedingly disturbing unto me, for he had want for no woman, yea, but he could havest any woman he desires, for women look upon him with a desiring eye, but Nephi notices them not, and behold, no man be not interested in women unless he be gay. And Nephi doth look exceedingly like a man, but he doth act exceedingly gay, yea, even gay like unto a pink picnic basket, which thing is an abomination throughout the land.

36. And although Nephi's gayness doth bother me not, for it is that I am comfortable with my sexuality, the crime for being gay in Jerusalem was death.

37. And it came to pass that I, Laban the younger, spake unto Nephi saying: Oh Nephi, hear the words of my mouth. If thou beest gay, yea, ye can speak it unto me, for I shall understand and still be a friend unto thee. But behold, many in Jerusalem doth hate gays, yeah, and they shall seek to destroy thee.

38. And Nephi listened to the words of my mouth and spake back at me saying: Behold, Laban, gay means to be happy, and gay I am, for I doth love my heavenly father, and I knowest that he has a plan for me, yea even is it called the great plan of happiness, or even the great plan of gayness, for thinking of my heavenly father makes me exceedingly gay.

39. And I spake unto Nephi saying: Nephi, I mean not happy when I ask if thou be gay, for gay doth also mean desiring to lie naked with a man, even does it mean getting to know another man, yea, not knowing him like learning about his hobbies and such, but knowing him in that special way. Wherefore, thou mustn’t tell anyone that ye lust after man flesh, and desire to lick the seed sacks of men, and shootest thy seed inside other men. Yeah, and ye must pretend to lust only after woman flesh, and desire to only shootest thy seed inside women, for if ye do not these things, behold, ye shall be taken unto the Jewish authorities and the punishment shall be death unto thee, even death on the spot by stoning, which thing I thinkest to be a bad death.

40. And it came to pass that Nephi did look upon me as if I did fart upon his face. Yea, even did he wrinkle his nose, and did give unto me a death stare, and he spake unto me saying: Laban, hear the words of my mouth. I desire not to lie naked with a man, for my father sayeth that is a sin, yea, even an abomination before god. The punishment for knowing another man, that way, is death on the spot, as it should be, for god did make man and woman in his own image, excepteth he did giveth woman breasts, which things he has not, nor does any man. And a woman hath not a schlong. And these things doth maketh man and woman different, even like unto Adam and Eve of old, for inasmuch as god did make Adam and Eve, god made not Adam and Steve.

41. And after Nephi spake these words unto me, yea, a woman approached, even a woman who did make my schlong tingle with anticipation, for she was exceedingly heavy on top and light on the bottom, and she did pass us close by, so as we could havest a good look.

42. And I nudged Nephi, yea, even with my elbow, and did spake unto him: Nephi, behold that beautiful woman, yeah, even with a chest that is like unto two pillows, even large, soft pillows even like unto the pillows upon the bed of a king. Wherefore, doth thou not desire to rest thy head upon her pillows and nuzzle them with thy face? And behold her bottom, yeah, even a bottom that is tight like unto a dish. Would thou not like to bend her over your knee and spank her tight bottom, even spank her for being naughty, would not that be fun?

43. And I did smile and giggle as I spake these things unto Nephi. And it came to pass that the girl with the large chest did hear the words of my mouth, and she did turn and did yell back at me, even did she yell insults unto me, and callest me names like pig and dog, and then she did run away from us.

44. And Nephi did laugh at me.

45. And I sayest unto Nephi: Laugh not Nephi, for inasmuch as she doth speak badly of me in public, yea, she doth secretly desire me in her heart. Behold, listen not to what a woman doth say, for they do all pretend to be chaste, nevertheless, all women desire man flesh and lust after the schlongs of men, but scared are they to admit it, for they wish not to be seen as harlots. And it is that I do know the combination to many chastity belts, if ye doth know what I mean.

46. And I did nudge Nephi and did wink at him, but Nephi looked upon me with repulsion, for he doth think all women are born with chastity belts, both spiritual and temporal chastity belts. And wherefore, he did believe that all women did desire not to lie with a man, and no woman doth give out the combination to her chastity belt, for all chastity belts have a secret combination, and only the wicked shall seek out those secret combinations, according to Nephi.

47. And Nephi spake unto me saying: Laban, all women are daughters of our heavenly father, for he doth make them all in the image of our heavenly mother, and your words do anger him. Repent now Laban, for soon Jerusalem shall be destroyed, as will thee, unless ye repent of thy sins.

48. And Nephi’s words were a surprise unto me, for inasmuch as I knew his father to be a religious zealot, yea, I did think Nephi was more normal, and I spake unto Nephi, and did mock him by saying: Behold, I shall prophecy like unto thy father, that soon I shall crack the secret combination of the chastity belt of that girl whose chest is large, and I shall lie naked with her and fornicate her.

49. And Nephi was offended by the words of my mouth, and did say unto me: Laban, it is blasphemy to mock the Lord's prophet, and inasmuch as ye thinkest all women desire man flesh, behold, I say unto thee, they do not, for my father hath taught me that all women desire to serve their heavenly father. Wherefore, I prophesize that thy prophesy will fail, yea even a most humiliating failure will it be.

50. And it came to pass that I did realize Nephi and I were growing apart, and this did sadden me much, for as I lusted after worldly things, yea, Nephi lusted after god, which thing doth make no sense unto me.

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