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CHAPTER 5

Laban the younger runs out of gold in which to make gold plates, switches to silver plates with jewels. Laban rescues Laban the younger through trickery and bluffery. Laban and Laban the younger travel in the wilderness for three days and three nights. Laban finds Eledekiah's buried treasure. They travel to Jerusalem with their riches, build a home, and acquire new identities. Laban purchases the brass plates from the brother of Shim.  [A little before 600 B.C.]

1.  And now I do findest not any more gold. And this doth cause much sorrow unto me, for I lookest all over the woods and do find none. Wherefore, I shall makest this part of my record out of silver, yeah even silver plates. Wherefore, to makest them equal unto the gold plates, I shall fasten jewels in each of the four corners of each page soest these silver plates cannot be judged poorly for not being gold. Yea, these plates are silver with jewels.

2. And now, I lookest upon my gold plates to see where I left off. And I behold that I did leavest off at the part where my father doth discover Eledekiah's prophecies, and magic tricks are nothing but dung. And my father did bury my mother. Now, I being an only child, for my mother did die, my father did vow to makest me a happy child and givest me all that I desire.

3. And it came to pass that my father knowest that he must leave, for he cannot stay in Jericho, for my father was a fugitive for murdering the doctor, and for escaping from prison, and many shall suspect him of murdering the gravedigger. Wherefore, my father knowest that it behooves him to get far away from Jericho as quickly as possible.

4. And it came to pass that before he doth depart from the land of Jericho, my father desired exceedingly to rescue me from the orphanage. Wherefore, my father came upon the orphanage where I was being kept. And he did discover an open window, and my father climbest inside the window sneakily.

5. And it came to pass that my father did walk through the dark hallways, and hid himself in the shadows until he doth discover the nursery. And wherefore he looked into the windows of the nursery and beheld the many little babies. And he beheld me and did go around the corner to the door to the nursery and did open it, but he was startled by the janitor, or rather, the night nurse who was on duty. And the nurse spake, saying: Who is it that thou art?

6. And it came to pass that my father, being exceedingly skilled in the art of deception, did quickly thinkest up a lie to deceive the woman. And he spake unto her saying: Behold, I am a doctor, yea, even Doctor Goldman, and I much desire to do tests on that child. Wherefore it is wisdom in me that ye givest that child unto me now. And if ye do this thing which I ask, behold, ye may take the rest of the night off.

7. And the nurse was suspicious of my father, and thinketh him to be lying unto her. And she did challenge my father saying: Thou looketh not like unto a doctor, for thou art wearing prison clothes, and art wet, and dirty, and covered in blood. Wherefore, I believest thee not to be a doctor.

8. And my father did thinkest up another lie to cover his first lie. And he spake more deception unto the nurse: Behold, I did just return from surgery, yea, even surgery on a prisoner in the prison, and that be why it is that I have much blood upon me, and why I doth wear prison clothes. And I did perform surgery on a dirty man, and he did gettest his dirt on me. Nevertheless, I did savest his life, and now I desire to perform tests on that baby. Wherefore, givest the baby to me now.

9. And the nurse did look upon my father and spake, saying: Doctor, forgivest me, for I do apologize for offending thee, for I do now believest ye to be a doctor. But it is that the orphanage director doth also want to see that baby now, for he spake unto me that this baby is to be transferred to another orphanage.

10. And my father spake a question unto the nurse: Behold, which orphanage is it that this baby shall be transferred to?

11. And the nurse replyeth unto my father: Yea, I knowest not this thing that ye doth ask, for I am but a lowly nurse, and they tell me not these things.

12. And my father thinketh that if the director doth takest me out of the orphanage and transfer me, yea, my father shall never find me again. Wherefore, this was his only chance to rescue me, but cursed be this nurse that doth stand in his way. And he thought to kill her, for her neck was thin, and he could snap it like a twig. But yea, the nurse was not a bad guy, for she is but an innocent and minor character in this exceedingly good narrative, and therefore it would be not good for my father to killest her.

13. And my father did think to seduce the nurse with his enormous schlong, and bushy seed sack, but yea, my father did havest not the time to make love unto the nurse properly.

14. Wherefore, my father thinkest up a plan, yea, even a genius plan to beguile the nurse, for he knowest that the nurse be a woman, and being a woman he knowest that she doth have amongst her certain instincts, yea, even maternal instincts.

15. And my father spake unto the nurse: Behold, nurse, it is that I desire to perform tests upon this baby, and it is that the director desires to takest this baby away, and we cannot do both things at the same time. And it is that thou art the nurse, and responsible for these little ones. Wherefore, how is it that we shall settle this conflict?

16. And the nurse did shrug her shoulders and spake, saying: Behold, I knowest not, for I am but a woman, and havest not the capacity to think.

17. And my father did pretend to suddenly get an idea, and he spake unto the nurse saying: Behold, woman, it is that I  knowest how we shall handle this conflict in a fair and just manner.

18. And the nurse's eyes did light up, for she was excited at the news. And she jumped up in excitement, and did clap her hands in anticipation of my father's solution.

19. And my father continued, saying: I desire to havest this baby to do tests, and the director desires to havest this baby to transfer, but yea, the baby cannot be in two places at once, unless it is that we cut the baby in twain, and I shall havest one half and the director shall havest the other half.

20. And it came to pass that the nurse gavest my father a look of horror, and she spake unto him, saying: Behold, doctor, that is a horrible plan. Although I am not smart, nevertheless, I do knowest with assurity that the plan ye doth speak of, even to cut the baby in two, is an exceedingly bad plan.

21. And my father replied: Yea, it is the only way, for we both desire the child, and the only just solution is to cut the child in half.

22. But the nurse did cry out unto me: Nay Takest the child as your own, for 'tis better that I shall disobey the director than for this sweet child to be cut in two.

23. And my father spake unto the nurse: Yea, thou art a wise woman.

24. And the nurse did smile upon my father, and my father takest me in his arms and did speedily leave the orphanage, and did escape with me into the night.

25. And we journeyed in the wilderness for the space of three days and three nights, and we did eateth wild berries, and drinketh from the river. And my father did milk many goats soest I may be fed.

26. And it came to pass that on the fourth day my father beheld the spot that fit the description given unto him by Eledekiah, yea, even the spot where Eledekiah had buried much treasure. And my father paced off twenty paces from the olive tree, and beheld upon him a mud puddle, and he turneth east, and did pace off four more paces. And then my father marked the ground with an X, for X doth mark the spot.

27. And yea, my father dug with a large stick. And he did wax strong digging for many hours. And just when he thinkest that Eledekiah was full of dung about the treasure, just as he was full of dung about the magic trick, yea, my father struck something hard. And he did uncover the object, and did pulleth it out, and did discover it to be a box. And my father pryest open the lid of the box, and did discover much gold and jewels and precious things inside the box, yea, even the quantity of which shall makest him exceedingly rich.

28. And it came to pass that my father did carry me and the box of riches away from Jericho. And we journeyed until we came upon Jerusalem. And my father did buy new clothes, and a home in which to dwell. And my father, now being a wealthy man, purchased counterfeit citizenship papers, and birth certificates from shady characters.

29. And my father changeth his name to Laban to hide from Jericho authorities who may still be looking for him. And he callest me Laban the younger. And we lived in Jerusalem from that time forward, yea, even until my father’s murder.

30. And it came to pass that my father used his many riches to build a large home and buy much influence from the Jewish authorities. And he had a great treasury where he keepeth his many riches. And my father was employed by Jerusalem authorities as a military commander. And he did gain much prestige because of his title and his wealth.

31. And it was during this time that my father, being a wealthy man, came upon brass plates, yea, even holy Jewish scripture. And these plates belongeth to a rabbi friend, yea even a rabbi who was the brother of Shim. And my father, being a collector of rare items, did purchase these brass plates. And the brother of Shim, being Jewish, did sell his plates unto my father for much gold and silver. And my father keepest these brass plates as part of his collection, for my father doth collect many rare and precious things.

32. And it was these brass plates that Lehi shall later come to covet, for Lehi was obsessed, yea, even unto a murderous obsession, with my father’s possessions. And he sought to murder my father and takest the brass plates, for Lehi, being a religious leader, did believest himself above the law.

33. And my friend Nephi was Lehi’s son, and he was my best friend, but Lehi had exceeding influence over Nephi. And Nephi obeyed his father and did believest him to be a prophet of God. And Nephi was much brainwashed by his father, and also became overly zealous, and also coveted after my father’s brass plates. And Nephi would be destined to take over leadership of his father's church. And Nephi would have many followers, and under Nephi's leadership, yea, Lehi's church shall grow and flourish beyond even his father's wildest dreams.

34. And behold, I Laban the younger declare my writings true and good, and what is written upon these plates really happened, honest. And thus concludes the fifth chapter of my narrative.

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