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CHAPTER 4

Laban attempts to rescue his wife from being buried alive, and raped by a perverted gravedigger. Laban the younger is running low on gold plates.  [A little before 600 B.C.]

1. And now I, Laban the Younger, shall write even more concerning my father’s escape from the Jericho prison and his search for his wife; yea, even his wife who is my mother.

2. And it came to pass that after my father escapest from the prison through stratagem and by way of the river; yea, my father walkest to the Jericho cemetery in search of my mother, and when my father did arrive at the cemetery he beheld a gravedigger. And he beheld the gravedigger standing over a body, and yea, my father beheld the body was that of my mother.

3. And my father did desire to distract the gravedigger, soest he may takest my mother’s body and run away, but the gravedigger did lookest upon my mother with lust in his eyes. And he did kneel before my mother and did place his hand upon my mother’s left bosom and did fondle it. And he did lean down, and did kiss my mother, and did run his tongue across my mother’s face.

4. And it came to pass that the gravedigger did stand and takest out his schlong. And after the manner in which the gravedigger pulleth his schlong out of his pants, yea, he did fondle it while he lookest upon my mother's dead body. And my father could see that the gravedigger was uncircumcised, which thing was an abomination. And my father did know that after the gravedigger shall finish fondling his schlong, and after he doth spilleth his seed upon the ground, yea, he wouldest to bury my mother. Wherefore, my father did think quickly, even did he thinketh up a plan.

5. And my father did findest a rock, yea, even a rock of exceeding hardness. And the rock my father found was big, but not so big that he could not lift it; yea, even was the rock about the size of a coconut. And my father did lift the rock over his head, and he did come upon the gravedigger from behind, and did beat him over the head with the rock.

6. And it came to pass that when my father did strike the gravedigger on the head with the rock, yea, the gravedigger’s skull did crack and his brains did spilleth out onto the ground as a grayish ooze. And the grayish ooze was like unto the grayish gravy which my father doth occasionally make for dinner, for my father is an exceedingly bad cook, nevertheless, I did love him so, for he was a goodly father.

7. And much blood did squirt out of the gravedigger’s head, yea, even like unto lava erupting from a volcano. And my father did strike the gravediggers head with such might that the gravediggers eyeballs did also pop out of their sockets, even like unto popcorn popping on an apricot tree.

8. And the gravedigger did fall to his knees and did lookest upon the ground and beheld his own eyes floating in his grayish brain matter that spilleth from his broken skull, and yea, he became exceedingly scared for he could see that his eyes had been knocked out of his head and were looking back at him, and his brain matter did drain upon the ground.

9. And the gravedigger did struggle to think of a plan, but it was exceedingly difficult for him to think, for his brains draineth from his skull leaving less and less brain matter to think with. And when his skull was completely drained of brain matter, yeah he could thinkest no more.

10. And it came to pass that the gravedigger did reach for my father for he so desired exceedingly to kill my father for doing this thing unto him, but he could see not my father for his eyes be not in his head. And the gravedigger attemptest to think what to do next, but for he havest no brains upon which to think, yea, he did die.

11. And it came to pass that my father beheld my mother, and did take my mother into his arms. And he beheld that she was still unconscious and doth lookest dead. And my father knowest what he must do, and he did follow the counsel of Eledekiah, and did kiss my mother hard and with much passion on the lips, knowing that the kiss shall break the spell and my mother shall awaken.

12. And it came to pass that my mother’s eyes moved not and her chest heaved not, and the curse was lifted not, and yea, my father was filled with exceeding anger, for he doth know that Eledekiah doth know nothing of magic, for his plan did fail. Yea, Eledekiah was full of dung, for Eledekiah doth pretend to be a wizard, or a priest, or whatever he wants to pretend to be, but he was just a crazy old man, like unto those other crazy old wizards and prophets whosoever sayest much but doest little.

13. And my father beheld my mother and did finally accept that she be dead, and did deny it no more, for her eyes were sunken, and her skin was green, and she was exceedingly not white and delightsome, for she was green and loathsome, and she doth skinketh much. And my father did bury her quickly, for the sight of her was exceedingly revolting unto him, and did made him want to vomit.

14. And it came to pass that my father did desire to gather the riches of Eledekiah, for he did remember where Eledekiah sayest that he did bury it. And he thinkest that Eledekiah was full of dung about the riches, but he did decide to see for himself, but my father did know that it must needs be he first rescue me from the orphanage.

15. And it came to pass that I, Laban the Younger, doth misjudge the exceeding difficulty of writing upon gold plates, for this language, even this reformed Asian doth increase the space requirements, for it is not a compact language, yea, but it requires more words to say simple things. And I do wish to write in regular language, but yea, if these plates should fall into the hands of mine enemies, it must needs be that they cannot decode them. Wherefore, it behooves me to get more gold. And this doth concern me, for I havest not yet gotten to the important part of my narrative; yea, even the murder of my father, and the investigation thereof, and the attempt to bring the perpetrator to justice, and my journey to America, and my epic battle with Nephi.

16. Wherefore it must needs be that if I run out of gold plates, I must use silver plates, but yea, I much prefer gold. But if it so be that I should use silver, yea, judge not the plates by the metal upon which they are written, but, judge them by their content. And now I must move swiftly to find more gold to makest more plates; and therefore a bid thee adieu.

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