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CHAPTER 7

A Lamanite officer, named Captain Howling Coyote, visits the Chief Nephi Lamanite village. The Nephites are building a weapon of mass destruction, and many prophecy they shall take over the land. The Lamanite leaders  plan the final solution to the Nephite problem. Zelph discovers a wooden tapir outside the great wall. Onandagus wants to bring it inside, but Zelph discovers it to be a trick of the Three Nephites and thwarts it. Zelph is assigned tribal captain. Onandagus takes over as chief. Dances with Cureloms closes his account and gives the Lamanite record and translator rock to Zelph, retires with Chief Nephi. [About 360 A.D.]

1. And it came to pass that many weeks after the Three Nephites did visit, yea, we did havest another visitor at the great wall. And the person who did visit was a leader amongst the Lamanites, even was he the military commander.

2. And Chief Nephi allowed the military Commander within the tribal walls, and the commander desired to speak unto us. And we did havest a meeting in Nephi's teepee.

3. And the Lamanite military commander was named Howling Coyote, even was he the Lamanite Captain under King Aaron.

4. And Chief Nephi did share a peace pipe with Captain Howling Coyote. And after the manner of smoking a peace pipe, yea, and even after the manner of exchanging pleasantries, Captain Howling Coyote did explain the circumstances that bringeth him to our tribal village.

5. And it came to pass that Captain Howling Coyote spake: Behold, it is that I have been commissioned to unite the Lamanites, even all the Lamanites tribes, for we must be as one nation. And we unite for the cause of annihilating the Nephites. Wherefore, it shall be a final war of extermination, and we shall remove the Nephite scum from our midst once and for all, for it is in the interest of Lamanite survival to do so.

6. And it was that I found it needs be to speak, even did I speak for peace, for Nephi hath become exceedingly senile, and he knowest not what did go on around him, even did he simply like to smoke peace pipes. And it was that Chief Nephi has no longer the capacity to makest sound decisions, for he did mostly stare straight ahead, and drool. Wherefore, he had not the ability to offer his wise counsel unto those whom he did lead.

7. And I spake unto Captain Howling Coyote, and unto Onandagus, even did I speak on behalf of Nephi, who would desire peace, nevertheless, he could not speak for himself. And I sayeth: Behold, why doth thou desire a war of extermination against the Nephites. For it hath come to pass that many years hath passed since the founding of this land, yea, even hath many centuries passed. Wherefore, why must it needs be for us to now remove the Nephites from our midst, even to commit genocide against the entire Nephite nation?

8. And Howling Coyote replied: Verily behold, the priests and wizards amongst us hath confirmed the Nephites shall build a weapon, yea, even a weapon of mass destruction, even a weapon like unto many swords, even hundreds of steel swords. And our priests and sorcerers and wizards hath seen this thing that the Nephites shall do, for they can see into the future, and they do see a white race destroying the Lamanite descendants, and taking utter control of this land. And it must needs be we destroy all Nephites, even must we kill all Nephite men, and even Nephite boys who shall grow to manhood, and we must destroy all Nephite women and girls who shall give birth unto Nephite boys. For it must needs be that the prophecy that hath been revealed unto us shall not come to pass. For it is better that all Nephites die, than for the Lamanite nation to be taken over.

9. And after Captain Howling Coyote spake these words, yea, Onandagus stood and gavest a talk unto us: Behold, the things Howling Coyote doth say are true, yea, even do they bear witness unto the prophesy of Tiger Lilly's crystal ball. For Tiger Lilly doth predict the same fate shall befall our people. Wherefore, this truth hath come forth from the mouths of two witnesses, yea, even three witnesses, for Wilma doth prophecy the same, which thing doth maketh it a true prophecy. Wherefore, it must needs be that we destroy the Nephite nation before this prophecy doth come true, even must we exterminate the Nephite race. Behold, we must find and destroy this secret weapon, yea, even this weapon of mass destruction if we desire to live.

10. And it came to pass that I replied: Behold, what is this weapon of mass destruction? What evidence proves there is a weapon of mass destruction? For perhaps some Lamanites desire war, and need an excuse for war. But yea, we are the people of Chief Nephi and we seek after peace always, for that is what Nephi shall want, if it was that he had the capacity to offer his opinions on the matter.

11. And it came to pass that Captain Howling Coyote replied unto me: Yea, this weapon, even this Nephite weapon of mass destruction is top secret, and we know not what it is. Nevertheless, it hath been revealed that the Nephites shall taketh over this land, which thing they did not do for one thousand years. Wherefore, why shall they do it now, for we outnumber them? Verily behold, the Nephites shall only achieve dominance over the Lamanite nation through means of a secret weapon. And I bear witness unto thee that I know the Nephite weapon of mass destruction is true. And if we do nothing, wo be unto us, for the prophecy shall surely come to pass. And I am confounded by thy refusal to accept the prophecy, nevertheless, I behold thy skin, and I do see ye hath a white complexion, and light hair, wherefore, thou must have sympathy for the Nephites.

12. And it came to pass that I replied unto Captain Howling Coyote's cruel accusation: Behold, Howling Coyote, no sympathy have I for the Nephite nation, for a Lamanite have I been for the space of twenty and six years. And I hath shown loyalty unto the Lamanites, yea, and even especially unto Nephi, who I do sustain as my Chief, and unto Onandagus, whom I shall sustain as Chief when Nephi doth pass on. Wherefore, question not my loyalty, for a Lamanite am I, even a proud Lamanite. And thou shouldest to judge me not by the color of my skin, yea, but by the content of my character.

13. And Captain Howling Coyote was moved by my speech, and he did apologize unto me: Behold, Dances with Cureloms, I misjudged thee, for I do now see that thou art loyal to thy Chief, which thing doth touch me exceedingly. Nevertheless, the wheels of war are in motion, for we did already have a counsel, even most of the Lamanite leaders did meet to discuss the final solution to the Nephite problem. And we did already decide, for the final solution shall be genocide, even total extermination of all Nephites. Wherefore, the decision is not yours, for thou art either with us, or against us. And I came not to thy village to discuss this what we must do, yea, I did cometh here to unite thee with us. For the Lamanites shall be one, and we must have no fence sitters in this great war.

14. And Onandagus replied unto Captain Howling Coyote: Behold, Howling Coyote, I do accept the decision of the Lamanite leaders, and we shall unite with thee for the final war, yea, even doth ye have my word.

15. And I beheld Onandagus, and did know that he had the authority to makest decisions. Nevertheless, it was that I was exceedingly saddened for my old senile Chief, even Chief Nephi who shall not want this war. Nevertheless, he had not the means to object.

16. And it came to pass that Zelph poked his head inside the teepee entrance, and he spake unto me and Onandagus: Behold, come quick, for a strange thing awaits us at the entrance of the village, yea, even at the wall.

17. And we did move quickly to the great wall, and beheld the thing that did sit upon the other side of the wall. And the thing that did sit there was a fake tapir, yea, even a large wooden tapir. And upon the large wooden tapir was attached a large sign. And the sign did read: Behold, a gift from the Three Nephites.

18. And it came to pass that Onandagus was pleased with the gift, even did he speak: Yea, behold, the fine gift the Three Nephites hath bestowed upon us. And this thing is exceedingly kind of them. Wherefore, bring the gift within the tribal walls so as all can enjoy it.

19. And it came to pass that Zelph spake a warning unto Onandagus: Behold, Onandagus, I havest a bad feeling about this gift. For the Three Nephites did leave this village on bad terms. Wherefore, why do they givest unto us a gift? Wherefore, I suspect it to be trickery.

20. And Onandagus smiled at my son, even was he amused, and he did say: Behold, Zelph, why is it that thou art exceedingly paranoid? For what shall possibly be trickery about this gift, even this large wooden tapir?

21. And Zelph replied unto Onandagus: Verily behold, Onandagus, the large wooden tapir shall be a good place to hide soldiers. For it is that this great wall is impenetrable to all enemies. Wherefore, the only means of penetrating this great wall shall be through the front door. And I do suspect this large wooden tapir is the means our enemies shall use to penetrate this wall by entering through the front door, even entering through trickery and stratagem.

22. And it came to pass that Onandagus laughed at my son's words, and even did Captain Howling Coyote look upon my son with amusement, for they thinketh my son to havest much imagination.  Nevertheless, inasmuch as my son be inexperienced in the art of war strategy, yea, none believeth his words.

23. And Captain Howling Coyote spake unto Zelph: Behold, young man, what makest thee to think this gift, yea, even this wooden tapir, is trickery?

24. And Zelph replied: Yea, if I found it needs be to penetrate an impenetrable wall, yea, I would enter through the front door, yea, even by building a large gift. And I would place soldiers within the large gift, even would I find it needs be to hide within the gift, and let mine enemies bring me and my soldiers within the village. And I would wait for nightfall, then I would emerge from the gift and open the front door from within the village, thus allowing my army to enter from outside. And, yea, I did think of this strategy first, and I do think that is what this large wooden tapir is, even is it a trap.

25. And it came to pass that Zelph retrieved a torch, then he held the torch over the side of the wall and said: Behold, I bear witness that the words I speak are true, and I shall prove my words unto thee. Wherefore, behold what shall happen when the wooden tapir burns.

26. And Zelph dropped the torch upon the wooden tapir, and Onandagus yelled out: No!

27. But yea, it was too late, for the torch did ignite the wooden tapir, and it did begin to burn. And Onandagus chastised my son exceedingly for doing this thing, even burning the wooden tapir which was a gift from the Three Nephites.

28. And it came to pass that Captain Howling Coyote did not chastise my son, yea, even did he instead laugh exceedingly, for he found Zelph's actions to be humorous, yea, even exceedingly funny. And it came to pass that all were shocked after the space of a few minutes, for screams did come from the direction of the burning wooden tapir, and then did a door open on the side of the wooden tapir, and three men did emerge, and the three men were on fire. Wherefore, Zelph's suspicions were true, for men did hide within the tapir.

29. And it came to pass that the three burning men who did emerge from within the wooden tapir did thrash about on the ground, yea, even did they scream. And because the three men desired exceedingly to extinguish the fire, yea, even to preserve their lives, they did jump in the moat to extinguish the fire.

30. And it came to pass that after the manner in which the three burning men plunged into the moat, yea, the moat alligators came upon them, yea, even to eat them. For the moat alligators desired human flesh, for they were exceedingly aggressive alligators.

31. And it came to pass that the moat alligators did munch on the bodies of the three men, even did the alligators grasp the men in their sharp jaws, and the alligators did perform death rolls, even many death rolls in an attempt to devour the men. But yea, after the space of many minutes the three men emerged from the moat, and they were wet, and their clothes were torn by the alligators. Nevertheless, the three men were alive, and they did look round about, and they beheld their wooden tapir, which did burn.

32. And I beheld the three men, and I stood all amazed at the sight of them, for they did survive fire, and also did they survive alligator attacks. And even after burning for the space of many minutes, yea, and even after being attacked by hungry alligators, behold, they remained alive, even uninjured were the three men, and they.

33. And one of the three men spake unto the other men, saying: Behold, the wooden tapir was an exceedingly bad idea, for the tapir did catch fire and burn, and even were we attacked by moat alligators, and did gain not entry into this village. Wherefore, we must return and report this disaster unto our leaders, for their new plan hath failed.

34. And it came to pass that the three men returned from whence they came, and yea, they knew not that we watched from above and heard the words of their mouths. And we recognized the voices to be those of the Three Nephites, even the Three Nephites who did attempt to teach their teachings unto us. For they had returned, and had attempted to enter the village covertly, even through the trick of the wooden tapir. And Onandagus thought the actions of the Three Nephites, even their trickery, to be an act of war.

35. And Captain Howling Coyote spake, saying: Behold, ye hath witnessed the deception of the dastardly Nephites, for they are sneaky, and they plan our destruction, even do they plan tactics such as wooden tapirs to gain entry into Lamanite villages so as to destroy us. And thou hath witnessed their power, for not even fire and alligators can destroy them. Wherefore, only a mighty army shall defeat the Nephites.

36. And I replied: Yea, the Three Nephites are simply missionaries. Wherefore, it could be that they desired to enter our village to teach us more things.

37. But yea, it was that even I knew the things I said were not true, for missionaries enter not villages by way of wooden tapirs. Wherefore, the Nephites were preparing for our destruction. I knew it with every fiber of my being, for the evidence did maketh it look that way. Wherefore, it must needs be that we launch a preemptive strike against the Nephites, yea, for it shall be necessary to protect the Lamanite lifestyle. And I spake unto Onandagus and Captain Howling Coyote, yea, even did I sustain them in their decision of a preemptive strike.

38. And Captain Howling Coyote was exceedingly impressed with my son Zelph, and he spake at Zelph saying: Behold, Zelph, thou doth havest the gift of discernment, for thou did knowest the wooden tapir was a Nephite trick, and thou did act to destroy it. Wherefore, I am desirous to see thee in the battlefield.

39. And Zelph replied: Behold, Captain Howling Coyote, it is that I have trained my whole life for this day, even this day when I shall be called to battle. Wherefore, I desire exceedingly to defend the Lamanite lands, and defeat the Nephites, for I am skilled in the art of war.

40. And Onandagus replied: Verily, verily, I say unto thee. As Acting Chief of this tribe, I declare Zelph captain of these tribal forces. Wherefore, we shall gather our men, and they shall march with Zelph into battle, and unite with the other Lamanites to defeat the Nephite forces.

41. And I looked upon Chief Nephi, who did stand and stare into space. And I beheld my old friend, and I grieved for him, for he knew not what did go on around him, for he was exceedingly old and senile.

42. And it came to pass that I had sorrow in my heart for Chief Nephi, and because I desired not to fight in war no more, for I am too old for that, even am I retired from warfare, yea, I desired to care for Nephi in his final days. For I know his son Onandagus shall be exceedingly busy as chief.

43. And I spake to Onandagus: Behold, Onandagus, it must needs be that we allow thy father to die with dignity. Wherefore, we must officially relieve him of his duties, and allow him to livest out his remaining days resting in his teepee, and smoking his peace pipe. Wherefore, I shall be his caretaker while ye taketh over as Chief.

44. And Onandagus found my idea to be an exceedingly good idea, and he declared me the official caretaker of his father.

45. And it hath come to pass that the time hath come for Zelph to be a man, for he hath been given an army to lead into battle.

46. Wherefore, I give unto my son this record, even do I giveth unto Zelph my chariot filled with plates, even the metal and stone plates of Laban, and the whores. Even do I give unto him the poem scrolls of the son of Abitch. And also do I giveth unto him the leather pages which are an account of my life, and also the enchanted translator rock so as Zelph could read the words upon the records, even the words that are written not in regular language.

47. And I bade Zelph to preserve these records, so they may come forth to future generations. And I bade him to append the account of his life unto these records.

48. And it came to pass that Zelph did promise to do the things I commanded of him. And it doth maketh me exceedingly happy to know the records shall be in good hands.

49. And I do now go to attend to Chief Nephi, for we are now retired, and we desire to livest out our lives in peace. Wherefore, I say unto thee, goodbye.

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