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CHAPTER 4

A witch and a sorcerer visit the tribal village, claim witchcraft and sorcery are the fastest growing magic groups. They show off their powers by putting on a magic show. The witch and sorcerer teach magic to Zelph. Fister is not a good mother. [About 350 A.D.]

1. And it came to pass that I, Dances with Cureloms, do write more things upon this record, even five years after I did write the last chapter. And I do apologize for waiting five years to write more things, but it is that I am a busy man and haveth not much time to write. Nevertheless, ye should read the things I write, for they are good.

2. And it came to pass that our tribe continues to be a happy tribe, for much peace exists within our walls. And the wall, being my idea, was an exceedingly good idea, for none shall breach it, even have none attempted to breach it.

3. And wars and contentions continue to exist throughout the land between the Nephite and Lamanite nations. Nevertheless, not all participate in the war.

4. And it came to pass that two travelers, even a man and a woman, came upon our village, and requested shelter, for they had been driven from their lands because of war, even were they refugees.

5. And we admitted them within our walls as guests. And it came to pass that they were Lamanites, and they were not warriors, but they were citizens who were driven from their homes because of great battles that took place there betwixt the Nephite and Lamanite armies.

6. And it came to pass that the woman was named Wilma and the man was named Sordor. And they worked as teachers in their homeland, and also were they missionaries, even did they proselytize sorcery and witchcraft unto me, for Wilma claimed to be a witch, and Sordor claimed to have the gift of sorcery.

7. And it came to pass that I spake unto them that I was uninterested in learning of their beliefs, and told them of the Lamanite plates which had the teachings of Laman and Lemuel, and the whores, and Balsac, and Laban the younger. And I spake that I desired to follow the teachings of the plates, and desired not to be a witch, or a sorcerer.

8. And Wilma and Sordor desired to convert me, and spake that witchcraft and sorcery are the fastest growing beliefs in all the land, even did witchcraft and sorcery outgrow the Gadianton robber movement in popularity.

9. And I continued to turn them down, but yea, they did continue their attempt to convince me, and Wilma spake, saying: Does thou not desire to control the elements, and shoot fire from a staff, even to communicate with the dead, and levitate rocks?

10. And it came to pass that my son Zelph, who was fifteen years old, did hear Wilma speak of levitating rocks, which thing doth interest him exceedingly, for he so desired to have the gift of magic. Wherefore, he desired to learn more, and pleaded with me to let Wilma and Sordor teach him.

11. And Wilma spake unto Zelph saying: Behold, young man, if thou desires to learn our ways, yea, ye shall be a mighty sorcerer, even shall thou havest the power of magic.

12. And Zelph replied unto them: Behold, I much desire to learn magic, wherefore, show unto me the things thou can do?

13. And it came to pass that Sordor stood before us, and removed his hat. Then did he tap his hat three times with his staff. And after the manner in which Sordor tapped his hat three times, behold, a rabbit emerged from his hat. And the rabbit did hop from his hat onto the ground, and did scurry behind a bush.

14. And Zelph stood all amazed at the magic that Sordor did perform, for Sordor did makest a rabbit to appear out of thin air, and he did makest the rabbit to appear in his hat.

15. And it came to pass that I was skeptical, and I desired to protect my son from trickery, and I spake unto Sordor saying: Behold, Sordor, how doth I know that rabbit did not exist in thy hat before ye performed thy trick? For perhaps ye planted a rabbit in thy hat before thee arrived here.

16. And Sordor scoffed at my skepticism, and he replied: Behold, I shall perform an even better magic trick, even shall I make a believer out of thee. Wherefore, prepare to be shocked and awed.

17. And Sordor prepared a stage in front of us, and did retrieve a box from his belongings, even a box with a hole on top and two holes on the bottom. And the box did open. And Sordor also retrieved a saw, then did he open the box and command Wilma to climb inside it, and Wilma did the thing that Sordor commanded of her. And Wilma did lie inside the trunk, and her head did stick out of the hole in the top of the box, and her legs did stick out of the two holes in the bottom of the box.

18. And Sordor did takest the saw and did commence sawing the trunk in half, even with Wilma inside!

19. And I gasp in horror as Sordor commenced sawing the box in half, and I spake, even in a loud voice: Behold, Sordor, stop this thing thou art doing. For I believeth thee, and I desire thee to stop sawing Wilma in half. I shall do anything, even shall I join thy sorcerer group if thou doth stop this thing thou art doing.

20. And Sordor ignored my pleas, and continued sawing. And he did saw the box in two, and he did move the two halves apart, and Wilma's legs went one way, and her head went the other, and Wilma cried out not, for she did smile, even as if being sawn in half doth hurt not.

21. And it came to pass that when I saw the thing that Sordor did, even that he did cut Wilma in two pieces with a saw, behold, I fainted, even did I pass out, for the sight of a woman being sawn in half did cause me to be light headed, even did it makest me to pass out.

22. And it came to pass that I was awakened by Zelph, who did stand above me with wide eyes. And he did say that after Sordor did cut Wilma in half, and did spread the two halves apart, yea, he did putteth the two halves back together again, and Wilma did emerge in one piece.

23. And I looked and beheld Wilma in one piece, and I spake unto Sordor: Behold, thou did cuttest her in half. How did thou makest her into one piece again, even makest her to be alive?

24. And Sordor smiled and shrugged his shoulder, and replied unto me: It was magic.

25. And Zelph bade me to let him learn the magic of Sordor and Wilma. And I thought that the magic of Sordor and Wilma, even this sorcery and witchcraft, shall makest Zelph to be an even mightier warrior. Wherefore, I let him be taught the things of Wilma and Sordor.

26. And Wilma and Sordor trained Zelph for the space of many months, and Zelph did learn much magic, even did he learn to maketh himself disappear in a cloud of smoke, and he did learn to swallow a sword, even to slide a sword down his throat and remove it again without the sword slaying him, and Zelph did learn the art of walking on hot coals without burning his feet, and he did lie on a bed of nails, and Wilma did place a brick on his chest and smash the brick with a club, and Zelph survived these things through the gift of magic, and sorcery, and witchcraft. And Zelph did maketh a dove to fly out of his sleeve.

27. And it came to pass that Chief Nephi beheld the things that Zelph did learn, and Nephi did say that Zelph did these things through the power of his loincloth. And Wilma and Sordor spake back that Zelph's powers came not through his loincloth, but through the power of witchcraft and sorcery.

28. And Nephi, and Sordor, and Wilma did debate magic for the space of many hours. And after the space of many hours did pass, yea, Zelph acted as a peace maker and spake unto all: Behold, my loin cloth doth givest me strength, even doth it assist me in my magic. And the things I did learn from Sordor and Wilma, even their witchcraft and sorcery, doth also assist me in my magic. Wherefore, debate not these things, for they are all good, and all have some truth.

29. And after Zelph spake his words, behold, Sordor, and Wilma, and Nephi, did all agree that they each had a portion of the truth, and all did havest the gift of magic. And they did all hug one another, and did agree to smoke a peace pipe together to settle their differences.

30. And it came to pass that Nephi, and Sordor, and Wilma, did disappear into Nephi's teepee so as they shall smoke a peace pipe together to end the conflict and contention between them, and to instead have fellowship.

31. And I gazed upon my son, even my mighty fifteen year old son who doth have mighty warrior skills, and who doth now haveth the gift of magic. And my heart did beat with pride, for I do know that my son shall always use his powers for good, and shall defend this tribe, and protect the Chief-Nephi Lamanite lifestyle.

32. And thus commences this chapter, and many shall ask what did become of the mother of Zelph, yea, even Fister. Wherefore, let me update thee on her whereabouts.

33. Now Fister hath not good parenting skills, for she doth desire always to do fun things for herself, even doth she spend much time with her friend Felcher, and they do travel, and run through fields, and bathe in hot springs together, and they do drink much wine, and do smoke many peace pipes late at night, and they do stay up all night giggling and tickling one another, and they have not a work ethic among them.

34. And because I am a modern man, and desire not to control my woman, yea, I lettest her to do these things, even to find herself. And I need not a woman to assist me in the raising of my son, especially not a woman like unto Fister, for Zelph is my son, and he maketh me a proud father.

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