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An account of Dances with Cureloms, formerly known as Phil, short for Philippians, now an official member of the Chief-Nephi Lamanite tribe. He and his life companion, Fister, give birth to a son, name him Zelph. Wars and contentions spread throughout the land. Dances with Cureloms trains Zelph in the art of warfare for the day he must defend the tribe. Zelph becomes a mighty warrior at a young age, is initiated in the magic tree fort. Zelph learns Lamanite magic from Chief Nephi, learns witchcraft and sorcery from Wilma and Sordor.

CHAPTER 1

Fister grows large with child. Nephi counsels Dances with Cureloms to marry her. Dances with Cureloms and Fister don't believe in the institution of marriage, and instead become parenting partners. Fister gives birth to Zelph. [About 335 A.D.]

1. And now I, Dances with Cureloms, who did once go by the name of Phil, do commence writing more things upon these plates, even an account of my life as an official member of the Chief Nephi-Lamanite tribe. And the things I write are good, even are they true.

2. Now I have lived amongst the Chief Nephi-Lamanite tribe for the space of many moons, even many winters, and I do enjoy my exceedingly goodly lifestyle.

3. And it comes to pass that I do often know Fister in my teepee, and I do always eat drink and be merry. And I have taught the words of these plates to the people of this tribe, and they do strive to live the teachings of Laman, and Lemuel, and Laban, and the whores, and Balsac, and the son of Abitch.

4. And it came to pass that after the space of many moons, yea, Fister began to grow large, even did her belly grow, like unto a pregnant woman.

5. And it came to pass that Fister was pregnant, even was she pregnant with my son, which thing doth bring joy unto me, for I do always desire a son, even do I desire posterity.

6. And it was that Nephi spake wise counsel unto me, even did he takest me into his teepee, and smoke a peace pipe with me, and he spake unto me that none shall be born unto a woman who is married not, lest that child be born a bastard. Wherefore, it must needs be I marry Fister before she giveth birth to my bastard child.

7. And I spake unto Nephi: Behold, Nephi, Fister desires not marriage, for an independant woman is she, even a modern woman, and she needs not a man to fulfill her. Wherefore, she shall turn down my proposal, yea, even shall she turn down my marriage proposal.

8. And Nephi replied: Behold, Dances with Cureloms, it is that thou doth havest stones that dangle betwixt thy legs, do ye not? And these stone thou doth have, Fister hath not. And these stones doth makest thee a man. Wherefore, use thy stones to give thee strength to put Fister where she doth belong, even treat her like unto the woman that she is. For no woman doth talk to me the way Fister doth talk to thee. And no man should treat their woman a particle better than they treateth their cureloms and cumoms, otherwise the women shall trample over us.

9. And I replied unto Nephi: Behold, Nephi, thou doth speak like unto a Nephite. For the Nephites doth treat their women like unto cureloms and cumoms. But behold, a Nephite I am not, for I doth respect the feelings of Fister, also am I sensitive to her needs as a woman.

10. And Nephi replied: Yea, Dances with Cureloms, thou art a sensitive man, even a modern man, but thou mustn’t let thy sensitivity turnest thee into a woman. Wherefore, let not thy feelings betray thee.

11. And I was desirous to speak unto Fister, for I felt it must needs be her child haveth a father. Wherefore, I spake unto her the things that Nephi doth say, and I bade her to thinketh of his advice, even to marry me.

12. And Fister replied: Nay, Dances with Cureloms, for I desire marriage not, for it is a Nephite thing. Wherefore, I desire we raise our child together as father and mother unto him, but we shall never be husband and wife unto each other, for I shall not be shackled by the chains of marriage, for a free spirit am I.

13. And I offered a compromise solution, even did I speak a deal unto her: Behold, Fister, inasmuch as we both desire to be father and mother, but yea, we desire not to be husband and wife, wherefore, we shouldest to be parenting partners, which thing doth mean we are partners at raising our child, but bound not together as husband and wife.

14. And it came to pass that Fister did thinketh of my offer, and after the space of several minutes she spake: Behold, Dances with Cureloms, the thing thou doth sayest is a good thing. For we shall be not husband and wife, but we shall be parenting partners, which thing doth mean we raise a child together, and giveth unto him high self esteem, and also shall we do the things husband and wife do, such as cleave unto one another at night, but yea, we are bound not by the rules of marriage.

15. And after the manner in which we solved the dilemma of the child, yea, I did taketh Fister into my tent and did know her for the space of many minutes.

16. And it came to pass that after the manner in which we did fornicate, yea, me and Fister did go before Nephi, and spake our proposal unto him.

17. And Nephi desired to ponder the proposal we offered. And he desired for us to smoke a peace pipe with him, which thing doth always help him in the thinking process. And after we did smoke a peace pipe, yea, Nephi agreed to our proposal, and did offer to perform a ceremony, even a parenting partner ceremony to honor us. And afterwards we shall eat, drink, and be merry, for Nephi did always thinketh of a reason to havest a celebration.

18. And we did agree to the parenting partner ceremony. And many months later we did havest the ceremony, and it was a goodly ceremony, for many did come to witness it, and Fister was exceedingly large with child. And after the ceremony, we did dwell in a tent together, like unto husband and wife, excepteth we were not husband and wife, only were we parenting partners. And because Fister was exceedingly pregnant, yea, I did fornicate her from behind.

19. And a few weeks after we did become parenting partners, yea, Fister did giveth birth. And she did giveth birth unto a boy. And he was an exceedingly handsome boy, and he was white, like unto me and Fister, nevertheless, we shall endeavor to raise him as a Lamanite, and teach unto him the Lamanite way.

20. And during this time of much joy and happiness, I did have some worry in my heart, for in the distance wars and rumors of wars did ravage the land. And much contention did exist outside our village. For our village enjoyed exceeding peace and happiness, for none did bother us, for our village was a peaceful bubble within a sea of iniquity. But yea, I thinketh the day shall come when war shall overtake this village.

21. Wherefore, I desired exceedingly to raise up my son to be a mighty warrior. For the day shall come when he, and his generation, shall be called upon to defend the tribe. Wherefore, I desired to raise up a valiant posterity.

22. And I looked upon Fister, and spake: Behold, Fister, what is it that we shall call him?

23. And Fister looked at our son, and beheld him, and after the space of a few minutes she finally spake his name: Behold, our son shall be named Zelph, which name doth mean mighty warrior.

24. And it came to pass that Fister did know the things I did think, for she did nameth our son a word that doth mean mighty warrior. Wherefore, I did agree with her name.

25. And I spake unto Fister: Yea, Zelph shall be his name, for it is a goodly name.

26. And thus concludes the account of Zelph's birth, and that you might have a knowledge of this birth, I will refer you to the representation of this glorious event at the end of this record, even the representation known as facsimile 1.

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