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The Book of Zelph Challenge Many people scoff when told how the Book of Zelph came about. These people are basically saying the Book of Zelph is a fraud, and I am a con-man. My enemies claim I simply wrote the book. Well, what one man can do, another can do. The challenge that the Book of Zelph makes to the world is that of duplication. Because the Book of Zelph complies with all the following conditions, in order to produce something similar, one must comply with the same conditions. Here is the challenge. Can you accept it? 1) Write a history of Ancient Greece. Why Ancient Greece? Because nobody knows anything about ancient Greece, just like I don't know anything about Ancient America. 2) You are 21 years old. 3) You are a high school dropout who works at Chuck-E-Cheeses, with no real future to look forward to, and no hope of living a happy, fulfilling life. 4) Your book must be written based on what little knowledge you have. I didn't have a computer or a library card, and no books at home. Therefore, you can't use the library, books, or the Internet to do research. 5) Your book must be really thick, with no pictures (a chapter book). 6) You must not make any corrections to your first draft, despite being told by your friends to clean up the horrid grammar, ridiculous anachronisms, and gaping plot holes. Your first draft must stand forever as your final draft. 7) This book must contain the true history of two distinct and separate nations. 8) Create a bunch of characters who will pretend to be authors in your book. Change your style of writing to match the style and personalities of the various authors in the Book of Zelph. 9) Weave into your history the story of Nephi chopping off Laban's head. 10) You must have the balls to claim that your epic masterpice is not merely a great fictional novel, but a real true history of Ancient America. You must publish it on the Internet for the whole world to see, and challenge people to roll the dice on its truthfulness. 11) You must include in your book lots of chapters dealing with war, a few chapters dealing with magic and witchcraft, lots of violence, sexual innuendo, descriptions of graphic sex acts, tribal customs, crop circles, political conspiracies, and revenge. Everything you write must totally agree with what we know about these things today. 12) You must include descriptions of your character's customs, mode of travel, outfits, hobbies, types of governments, weapons, skin color, emotions, conflicts, etc. You must invent lots of names that are not like regular English names. 13) You must properly use figures of speech, similes, metaphors, irony, foreshadowing, chiasmus, plot development, character arcs, and you must build the suspense to an exciting climax where the villain is defeated by the hero. At the end of your book, your characters must have learned something from their experiences. 14) You must invite the smartest people in the world to examine your book with care, and you must strive to make sure your book gets into smart people's hands so that they can scrutinize it and try to prove it a forgery. 15) Thorough investigation of the truthfulness of your book by these smart people must appear to prove your book false. However, scientific studies performed by some of your smart followers must show that it might possibly be true. 16) You must not include anything too absurd or silly (except for magic stuff), and you must try to be consistent and try to avoid internal contradictions in your text, or at least avoid contradictions that can't be explained. 17) Many people must come up with theories as to how you wrote the book, but all the theories must fail according to you and your followers. You claim the book came about because of a magic rock given to you by a ghost, and that claim must stand as the only possible explanation for the translation of the book. As time goes on, your magic rock claim must become more and more plausible to your followers, until it becomes the only explanation your followers will accept for the existence of the book. 18) Your book must answer questions brought up by the Book of Mormon. It must explain why Lamanites have Asian DNA, why there is no evidence of Nephite civilization, and what exactly was a Book of Mormon horse. 19) Call down a pair of ghosts in the middle of the day to give you the magic rock and plates. Convince thirteen honest citizens to pretend to be a witness to the plates. These people must swear the plates are real even after they stop hanging out with you because you slept with their girlfriends and conned them into MLM schemes. 20) You must include within your record this promise, "And I promise thee that if ye ask if this book be not true, and roll a pair of dice with a sincere heart, and desire exceedingly for the book to be true, yea, the dice shall reveal the truthfulness of this book unto thee." 21) Your followers must tell everyone they know that they know your book is true because they rolled the dice, and got a seven, and the dice confirmed the book is true. 22) You must convince people to give you their money, and do everything you say, all because they think the book is true. 22) Your book must have the power to make those who believe it to be true the coolest most awesome people ever. 23) You must be persecuted for writing the book. Your co-workers must make fun of you, and someone must piss in your Big Gulp when you're not looking. You must eventually be fired from your Chuck-E-Cheeses job on trumped up charges like "chronic tardiness" and "didn't show up for his shift." Some of your friends must stop talking to you, and call you names like "weirdo" and "nut-job". This is the type of environment in which you must write your masterpiece. 24) Start right now and produce this book, which covers a history of 1000 years, while suffering the persecution described in #23. Please have your book completed, and talk your friend into building a website to publish it for all to read, and do it all in 60 days. Good luck! As you can see, there is only one answer: The Book of Zelph came about the way I said it did, translated from ancient leather plates using a magic rock given to me by a ghost. Any other explanation is completely crazy. - Josh Anderson
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